I used to have to drug myself when the weather was bad.
Anxiety comes and goes but it often comes when the weather is gloomy and dark. Lately it has been coming less and less and I attribute that to Susan, my therapist.
I have been in therapy for over 3 years now and the last year has been exceptionally good, when I started seeing Susan.
She is my confidante and the little voice inside my head that tells me to "be compassionate" with myself. In the year that I've been seeing her, I have learned so much about who I am and the different ways that my mind operates. With the progress that I've made, I have felt a shift in my soul. It's not even just a shift in my mental state, but myself as a whole. I am discovering who I am, and in doing so, how strong I am.
I have moved around most of my life and transitioned into the person I thought I needed to be when in different surroundings. I got so good at being a chameleon that I lost myself. When life finally slowed down and I lived in a city for more than a year or two I realized that I didn't know who I was or how I should cope with different situations.
One particular situation has been gloomy weather. In the process of stripping away the false layers and discovering who I really am, I stopped relying on the same sources of comfort that I was used to. That made coping with inclement weather or less-than-ideal situations all the more difficult. That allowed for anxiety to creep in.
I used to dream about the day when I wouldn't have anxiety anymore. I thought I would wake up and the clouds would dissipate, leaving me clear-headed and capable of handling anything. And then I realized that was never going to happen. Anxiety isn't something to cure. It is something I would need to learn how to live with and when I finally realized that, I also came to the conclusion that I didn't need to feel anxiety. It was something I could choose.
I have had anxiety since then, but I have also chosen to deal with it in a constructive way. Today, as I watch the snow fall from my living room for the 7th day in a row, I am proud of myself. I have been a "shut-in", as my sister puts it, for a week but instead of allowing that to make me feel claustrophobic I have chosen to view it as an adventure. This is just a storm; just an oddity. And it's a part of my life that I will look back on and say "oh yeah, I was there for that."
I am fully present and finding the fulfillment that comes with experiencing something out of the ordinary: like a crazy, unprecedented storm in Seattle.
December 21, 2008
December 20, 2008
I Felt Inspired
to write a song after reading this headline on yahoo:
"Prop. 8 sponsors seek to nullify 18K gay marriages".
So far I only have the chorus but it goes a little something like this:
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS YOU HOMOPHOBES.
"Prop. 8 sponsors seek to nullify 18K gay marriages".
So far I only have the chorus but it goes a little something like this:
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS YOU HOMOPHOBES.
December 12, 2008
December 09, 2008
December 05, 2008
It Really is Real
A while back I wrote about my brother, Tom, telling me that his girlfriend was pregnant. He typically "lies" to me so I refused to believe him. At the baby shower, Bonnie appeared to have a belly-bump but I still was not convinced.I upped the ante and insisted on seeing the actual baby before I would believe it.
Well, last night I met Klaire and she is very real.
Tom called me at 4:00 to tell me that Bonnie was at the hospital having heavy contractions and then again at 6:30 to tell me that 'he had a Klaire'.
Logic and I rushed over to Ballard and were greeted by a 5 lb, 12 oz. bundle who immediately stole my heart.
My brother is officially a daddy and I am, again, an aunt.
Having been through this before, you would think that I have grown accustomed to how this works but every single time that I get to hold a new member of my family, I am reminded of what a gift it truly is.
I haven't held Klaire in roughly 14 hours and my heart hurts. I loathe work on a normal day but today it is exponentially worse.
Well, last night I met Klaire and she is very real.
Tom called me at 4:00 to tell me that Bonnie was at the hospital having heavy contractions and then again at 6:30 to tell me that 'he had a Klaire'.
Logic and I rushed over to Ballard and were greeted by a 5 lb, 12 oz. bundle who immediately stole my heart.
My brother is officially a daddy and I am, again, an aunt.
Having been through this before, you would think that I have grown accustomed to how this works but every single time that I get to hold a new member of my family, I am reminded of what a gift it truly is.
I haven't held Klaire in roughly 14 hours and my heart hurts. I loathe work on a normal day but today it is exponentially worse.
November 28, 2008
Fed Up
Work is really starting to wear on me. Is there such a thing as the Four-Year-Itch? Cause I think I've caught it.
November 14, 2008
Pro-Abortion
Often times when I start my morning reading the news, I get queasy. So much is being thrown at me from National to World to Local news that it can easily seem overwhelming. So this morning I had my breakfast before I searched the headlines.
Now I'm wishing I hadn't. After reading one particular article I feel like blowing chunks:
"A South Carolina Roman Catholic priest has told his parishioners that they should refrain from receiving Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama because the Democratic president-elect supports abortion, and supporting him "constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil."
The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.
"Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president." (msnbc)
"Obama is Pro-Abortion"???? Yes, his goal is to convince people to have them. That's right. He stands outside abortion clinics trying to get people to go in. He organizes rallies with signs that read: "Do You Really Want a Baby? Why Not Kill It Instead?"
Man. I didn't expect Conservative America to actually pay attention to what he had to say because it was pretty obvious that they already had their minds made up. (Or maybe they'd already been told by their priests that their souls would be in jeopardy if they voted for Obama so they didn't even watch the debates.) But I think it's important to point out a portion of the debate between Obama and McCain in October.
McCain: "...Then there was another bill before the Senate Judiciary Committee in the state of Illinois not that long ago, where he voted against a ban on partial-birth abortion, one of the late-term abortion, a really -- one of the bad procedures, a terrible. And then, on the floor of the Illinois State Senate, he voted present.
I don't know how you vote "present" on some of that. I don't know how you align yourself with the extreme aspect of the pro- abortion movement in America."
Obama: "If it sounds incredible that I would vote to withhold lifesaving treatment from an infant, that's because it's not true. The -- here are the facts...nobody's pro-abortion. I think it's always a tragic situation." (cnn)
Now I'm wishing I hadn't. After reading one particular article I feel like blowing chunks:
"A South Carolina Roman Catholic priest has told his parishioners that they should refrain from receiving Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama because the Democratic president-elect supports abortion, and supporting him "constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil."
The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.
"Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president." (msnbc)
"Obama is Pro-Abortion"???? Yes, his goal is to convince people to have them. That's right. He stands outside abortion clinics trying to get people to go in. He organizes rallies with signs that read: "Do You Really Want a Baby? Why Not Kill It Instead?"
Man. I didn't expect Conservative America to actually pay attention to what he had to say because it was pretty obvious that they already had their minds made up. (Or maybe they'd already been told by their priests that their souls would be in jeopardy if they voted for Obama so they didn't even watch the debates.) But I think it's important to point out a portion of the debate between Obama and McCain in October.
McCain: "...Then there was another bill before the Senate Judiciary Committee in the state of Illinois not that long ago, where he voted against a ban on partial-birth abortion, one of the late-term abortion, a really -- one of the bad procedures, a terrible. And then, on the floor of the Illinois State Senate, he voted present.
I don't know how you vote "present" on some of that. I don't know how you align yourself with the extreme aspect of the pro- abortion movement in America."
Obama: "If it sounds incredible that I would vote to withhold lifesaving treatment from an infant, that's because it's not true. The -- here are the facts...nobody's pro-abortion. I think it's always a tragic situation." (cnn)
November 06, 2008
November 05, 2008
Montana Nicknames
I was recently asked why Montana was called Big Sky Country. Apparently, the fact that I lived there for three years qualified me to know the answer. Unfortunately, I did not.
Wanting to sound smart, I did some research and came across a site that I found to be rather interesting.
Passing on my new-found wealth of knowledge, here is a list of Montana nicknames and reasons why:
Country of the Mountains ~ This was a Shoshone expression "Toyabe-Shock-up". It was the first published nickname coined in 1865 by Granville Stuart while publishing the first book to promote Montana.
The Treasure State ~ this was the first nickname to gain acceptance by residents of Montana. It appeared on the cover of a promotional booklet published by the Montana Bureau of Agriculture, Labor, and Industry and was referring to Montana's ranking as the country's foremost producer of metallic treasure--gold, silver, and, most importantly, copper.
Land of Shining Mountains ~ The same 1895 guidebook that introduced The Treasure State nickname also referred to Montana as the "Land of Shining Mountains". This was coined by brothers Pierre and Chevalier Verendrye, French Canadian fur traders and explorers. They gazed upon the snow-capped northern Rockies and dubbed them the "Shining Mountains." According to historian Joaquin Miller's 1894 history of Montana, Native tribes also referred to the Rockies as "the Shining" because of their glittering snow. The Land of Shining Mountains remained in the popular lexicon for several decades, but the Treasure State proved its greater staying power.
Stubbed-Toe State ~ Probably the oddest moniker attached to Montana, the nickname refers to the mountainous region of western Montana where the multitude of rocks might pose a hazard to the novice hiker. This is according to the 1922 World Almanac.
Montana: High, Wide and Handsome ~ One of the most resonant Montana epithets, it first came into use during the 1940s and 50s. Its original source is unknown, although evidence points to C. B. Glasscock, who stated that "Life in Butte was high, wide, and occasionally handsome" in War of the Copper Kings published in 1935.
Big Sky Country ~ borrowed from the book The Big Sky, by A. B. Guthrie, Jr. A bestselling fur trade novel.
P.S. this is all taken from the website. I only summarized.
Wanting to sound smart, I did some research and came across a site that I found to be rather interesting.
Passing on my new-found wealth of knowledge, here is a list of Montana nicknames and reasons why:
Country of the Mountains ~ This was a Shoshone expression "Toyabe-Shock-up". It was the first published nickname coined in 1865 by Granville Stuart while publishing the first book to promote Montana.
The Treasure State ~ this was the first nickname to gain acceptance by residents of Montana. It appeared on the cover of a promotional booklet published by the Montana Bureau of Agriculture, Labor, and Industry and was referring to Montana's ranking as the country's foremost producer of metallic treasure--gold, silver, and, most importantly, copper.
Land of Shining Mountains ~ The same 1895 guidebook that introduced The Treasure State nickname also referred to Montana as the "Land of Shining Mountains". This was coined by brothers Pierre and Chevalier Verendrye, French Canadian fur traders and explorers. They gazed upon the snow-capped northern Rockies and dubbed them the "Shining Mountains." According to historian Joaquin Miller's 1894 history of Montana, Native tribes also referred to the Rockies as "the Shining" because of their glittering snow. The Land of Shining Mountains remained in the popular lexicon for several decades, but the Treasure State proved its greater staying power.
Stubbed-Toe State ~ Probably the oddest moniker attached to Montana, the nickname refers to the mountainous region of western Montana where the multitude of rocks might pose a hazard to the novice hiker. This is according to the 1922 World Almanac.
Montana: High, Wide and Handsome ~ One of the most resonant Montana epithets, it first came into use during the 1940s and 50s. Its original source is unknown, although evidence points to C. B. Glasscock, who stated that "Life in Butte was high, wide, and occasionally handsome" in War of the Copper Kings published in 1935.
Big Sky Country ~ borrowed from the book The Big Sky, by A. B. Guthrie, Jr. A bestselling fur trade novel.
P.S. this is all taken from the website. I only summarized.
Do You Think
... that Lorne Michaels and Jon Stewart are disappointed with the outcome of the election?
November 04, 2008
November 03, 2008
Barack and Maya
"She was the person who encouraged and allowed us to take chances. She was proud of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren and left this world with the knowledge that her impact on all of us was meaningful and enduring. Our debt to her is beyond measure."
~regarding their Grandmother. What a bitter-sweet time for them.
~regarding their Grandmother. What a bitter-sweet time for them.
October 31, 2008
The Douchies
Another round of the Douche Awards today.
This time I'd like to nominate the maroon Ford Taurus that parked so close to my car in the public garage yesterday that I had to get in from the passenger side door. Not only was that incredibly inconsiderate but I'm pretty sure it was impossible for said person to get out of their car without significantly dinging up mine (luckily, I didn't see any maroon paint on my door).
Thanks alot douche!
This time I'd like to nominate the maroon Ford Taurus that parked so close to my car in the public garage yesterday that I had to get in from the passenger side door. Not only was that incredibly inconsiderate but I'm pretty sure it was impossible for said person to get out of their car without significantly dinging up mine (luckily, I didn't see any maroon paint on my door).
Thanks alot douche!
October 30, 2008
What It Might Be Like
Not that I know... but I have the feeling I am being prepped for parenthood.
My cat, Grace, has Fatty Liver Disease which is treatable but she has been a wreck for the past few weeks; losing weight, throwing up, refusing to eat, turning yellow, you know - all the good stuff.
We have taken her to the vet more times that I can count and have done everything from blood-work to an ultra-sound to inserting a feeding tube. We're finally starting to see some progress so it has been worth all the effort, but damnit! I'm tired.
This whole ordeal has required a lot of sacrifices. The most recent one has been lack of sleep. All of the other sacrifices I can handle - like turning our house into a virtual vet office - including the hanging IV, but missing sleep is about to push me over the edge.
I remember reading a post by Aaryn a while back that talked about the challenges of parenting: more specifically, her daughter's lack of sleep which resulted in her lack of sleep. Now I can't compare what's going on to me to what happened to her but I can complain nonetheless.
I didn't sign on the dotted-line the way parents do. They know what they're getting themselves into. But lack of sleep is one of the reasons I have avoided that kind of paperwork. So to find myself in a situation where I'm losing sleep because of my cat.... well let me just say that if this is how being a cat-owner is, I never want kids.
My cat, Grace, has Fatty Liver Disease which is treatable but she has been a wreck for the past few weeks; losing weight, throwing up, refusing to eat, turning yellow, you know - all the good stuff.
We have taken her to the vet more times that I can count and have done everything from blood-work to an ultra-sound to inserting a feeding tube. We're finally starting to see some progress so it has been worth all the effort, but damnit! I'm tired.
This whole ordeal has required a lot of sacrifices. The most recent one has been lack of sleep. All of the other sacrifices I can handle - like turning our house into a virtual vet office - including the hanging IV, but missing sleep is about to push me over the edge.
I remember reading a post by Aaryn a while back that talked about the challenges of parenting: more specifically, her daughter's lack of sleep which resulted in her lack of sleep. Now I can't compare what's going on to me to what happened to her but I can complain nonetheless.
I didn't sign on the dotted-line the way parents do. They know what they're getting themselves into. But lack of sleep is one of the reasons I have avoided that kind of paperwork. So to find myself in a situation where I'm losing sleep because of my cat.... well let me just say that if this is how being a cat-owner is, I never want kids.
October 28, 2008
October 17, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)