How Quickly Things Change

I was sitting in a queue, waiting to get on a ferry boat on Bainbridge Island. I was in a car with Logic, Melanie, Kenny and their baby Anika. We'd just finished dinner and were heading back to Seattle after a day-long adventure through part of the Olympic Peninsula.
My purse was on my lap, otherwise I would never have felt my phone vibrating. I looked to see who it was: Paige. We often talk and I figured she was just checking in. Not wanting to be rude to our guests, I sent it to voicemail. But as soon as my voicemail saved her message, Logic's phone started to ring. Paige again. Knowing that something must be up, I checked my messages. The message was marked urgent which she'd never done before."Amaya, call me as soon as you get this. It's about Lili and her parents."So I dial her number. When she picks up I learn that Lilikoi's Dad shot himself.
He'd been suffering for a long time from a number of different ailments. Mostly mental. I wasn't too surprised actually. But when Paige mentioned that Lilikoi's Mom was home at the time, my breath caught in my throat. How could he do something so final and selfish when his beautiful, loving wife was in the next room? How must it have felt to hear the shot and run through the house only to find him dead?
I thanked Paige for calling and immediately dialed Lilikoi. Hearing her cracked voice sound so timid on the other end broke my heart. I knew of the unhealthy relationship she had with her father, but I also knew of the unwavering love and closeness that she shared with her mom. Wanting to reach through the phone and offer my shoulder to cry on, I could only listen. Listen and cry.
Lili is in Roseburg right now. With her mom, brother and possibly her sister. Her husband is most definitely helping to take care of them. I wonder where I'm supposed to be in all of this? Do I stay here and give them time? Do I rush down and offer my support?
For now, I sit and wait.

My Back - The Update

So it was neither drag nor drug for me this weekend.
My regular doctor is on maternity leave right now even though I didn't know she was pregnant. Goes to show how 'regular' she is. I ended up seeing one of her colleagues who basically told me to take ibuprofen and come back in a week if I wasn't feeling better. What a waste of time.
So I spent all weekend trying to entertain our friends from out of town while popping major amounts of ibuprofen. I can't decide if my back is starting to loosen up or if I'm just numbing to the pain. But I do know this - my chair at work is NOT helping.

Drag vs. Drug

My back has been hurting since Wednesday night. We have friends coming into town this weekend with their baby.
Due to that fact, and my Friday pain I decided to make a doctor's appointment before the weekend. I choose to drug instead of drag my ass around all weekend.

Joy Behar

"Can you be a good father if you're cheating on your wife? I say you can, but only if you're Woody Allen."

Thinking of Him

I had a dream about him last night. I don't remember what the dream was about but I remember how I felt.
He was a boy I knew in grade school and junior high. Unofficially, he was my first boyfriend. The first boy I spent time alone with. The first boy I was comfortable around.
He is a stranger to me now. I only know of his hardships through his brother's obituary. Yet he is still important to me.

Bill Murray

"One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself."

Headline

"Arctic ice cap melting 30 years ahead of forecast"

I believe that the damage we're doing to the environment will come back to affect us/our grandchildren eventually but come on! 30 years in the grand scheme of the Earth's history isn't making much of a difference.

Recap

I can't formulate any concrete thoughts right now so I'll just give a quick update as to what's been going on:

-My office is in the midst of a complete re-org. Not sure how I feel about it.
-I'm beginning to realize that when I *thought* I knew who I was 3 years ago, I really had no clue.
- Logic's best friend is coming into town this weekend. That means we'll be sleeping on an air mattress.
-One bedroom condos suck.
- Ranger and Logic are too cute. They've both started watching the other's team/sport to support the other person. Ranger has watched a Jazz game and Logic tries to catch any hockey games that might be on.
- It's been 6 months since I started going to the gym and I consistantly go at least 3 times a week, mostly 5. I still haven't dropped a dress size. What gives?
- I bought a new pair of sunglasses. The old ones made me look like a raccoon, I've decided.
- A guy in high school used to call me "coon" because he thought I looked like one.
-There's an immigration protest downtown this afternoon so Logic's office is closing at 3:00. Since we carpool, that means I will be leaving at 3:00. No gym for me today.
- I'm tired.

Trial Run

Left the house at 1:40. Shoot! Missed the exit to I-90. Took the Seneca exit into downtown and got back on I-5. This time going South. Managed to get on I-90 this time. Drove 5 miles until the Bellevue Drive Exit.
Directions say to pass the Bellevue Drive Park and Ride. Check.
Pass the Blueberry Farm. Check.
Look for signs to The Winter's House. There it is!
Pulled into the parking lot. Noticed a large group of people. Wait! I think I see men. Men weren't invited to this bridal shower!
Proceeded with caution. Crashed someone's birthday party. Went back to the car to figure out what I'd done wrong.
Read and re-read invitation. Wait! May 27th!!!???? MAY 27th??!!!
How the hell did I misconstrue that? Today is April 29th!!!

I Was Told There'd Be No Math Today

I am a word person. When it comes to numbers, I am rendered helpless. Even simple math eludes me. I once worked at a toy store for a summer and balancing the cash drawer at the end of the night was like Chinese Water Torture to me. So it will come as no surprise that I dread having to fill out my time-sheet at the end of every work week. Were it in a normal format, or if I worked the same schedule every week, it would be less of a hassle. But it isn't, and I don't.
As I filled out the form today I realized I wouldn't have enough time to hit the gym before Logic got off work. I was really looking forward to a good jog but I knew it was my own fault for not catching up on my hours earlier in the week.
The time-sheet, while filled out, remained on my desktop all day until I finally sent it in an hour ago. Right before I clicked the 'send' button, I realized my math was off. I'd actually worked an hour of overtime. Granted things could have been worse, but for a girl who's sole purpose in life is to feel the endorphins achieved at the gym, it was really disappointing.

Fahrvergnügen

Just a little blast from the past.

Allison to Paige

"I love you so very, very, very much in the whole wide world."

Hawaiian Pedicure

Day One in Hawaii and we were all lounging around the apartment. Lili noticed that I had a few blisters from jogging and we decided to get pedicures while the boys went to a local brewery. She called her favorite salon but they were booked for the afternoon so she suggested we try a new place at the mall. The guy on the phone was rude to her, but we figured maybe he was busy.
We were running late so Lili called the salon and the guy was a dick again! And when we showed up he stared us down until I finally said "Two pedicures. We called a few minutes ago. Under the name Lili". He huffed and dramatically swiveled in his chair to yell back for the two nail techs before proceding to go back to his magazine. The nail techs, who happened to both be lying their heads down on the counter in the pack of the salon, slowly began to get up and walked to us like they were hungover. Lili and I looked at each other and then looked at the Asshole. He didn't look up. Simultaneously, we told him we didn't want to get pedicures there anymore and left.
So we walked around and found another place nearby. The guy at the front desk shot us a friendly smile and informed us that we could either wait 20 minutes or he could call their sister-salon to see if they had anything available. Turns out, their sister-salon was the same place that was rude to us and when we explained that to the gentleman behind the counter, the manager overheard us and seemed very distraught. She asked us a series of questions before we were ushered into the pedicure room. And even though the friendly staff at Mani Pedi Spa made up for the other salon, we both laughed on the way out at the possibility of the rude guy getting in trouble.

Trying on a New Perspective

Logic and I agree that we need to stay in Seattle until we're finished with school. (Me, my first bachelor's degree and him, his law degree.) So in an effort to remain sane while here, I'm trying on a new perspective. I am not going to let the weather affect my mood because damnit, I am a fun person and I want to be a fun person. I can't continue to let the weather depict the outcome of my day.
So cross your fingers and hope I make it through this alive.

Hawaii Is Crying

Our last day in Honolulu was dreary. Metaphorically and literally. All four of us were sad. And it didn't help that we saved the USS Arizona Memorial for that day. Add to that some rain.
As we drove to the airport, the rain came down harder than it had all day. From the front seat Ranger broke the silence: "Hawaii is crying".

Email Forward

Lessons on the Seasons of Life



There was an Indian Chief who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge
things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at
a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in
summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe
what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so
sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever
seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with
fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they
had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.


He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season,
and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that
come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons
are up.


If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the
beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

My Heavy Heart

The plane landed at 5:50 a.m. into a city surrounded by clouds.
The clouds that had disappeared were now seeping back into my body and my mind.
Filling my head where the sun used to be.
I return with a heavy heart.

Good Timing (for me)

Logic and I are leaving for Hawaii this evening. We're going to visit some friends and, well, go to Hawaii. Everything's packed and we're rushing to catch the shuttle at 3:30 today.
In an effort to finish my to-do list early (hoping to eliminate any residue stress), I ran to the Post Office this morning to get Isaiah's birthday present in the mail. And as I'm walking, I see a man about 20 feet in front of me jump up from a bench and start yelling: "mother fucker! shit! shit! damnit! mother fucker!".
As I get closer, I see that he's wiping a large pile of bird shit off his head! A bird just shit all over his head! My first thought was how much that would suck. My second thought was how much that would suck for someone who pretends not to believe in superstition and who happens to be going on a plane in 8 hours.
I think I'll stay inside until it's time to catch the shuttle.
Wish me luck...

Friendship

Saturday afternoon my friend, Liz and I walked through the Washington Park Arboretum. It was a first for us both and we were equally amazed. Miles and miles of walking trails zig zagged through fields and along the Causeway between Lake Washington and Lake Union.
Equipped with my camera, I took a lot of photos. I was mostly enthralled with the landscape; shooting ponds, boats and pathways. But as we were walking through a clearing I saw these two women, deep in conversation and oblivious to the image they portrayed.
I wondered to myself: "what is their story? why are they wearing those hats and do they do this often?"
Not wanting to be rude and ask, I decided to make up my own story:
Mary and Julie were friends as children. Mary's parents uprooted her family and moved to the East Coast when she was just 10. On Mary's moving day she made a promise to Julie to come back to Washington every year to visit. Correspondence was strong at first. Weekly letters in the mail, monthly phone calls permitted by their parents. But as time wore on and the girls grew up, they're conversations became few and far between.
Mary grew up to be an ER nurse while Julie travelled the world and spent many years in the Peace Corp. After Julie had a nearly fatal accident in Brazil the summer of 1992, she packed up and moved back to the Pacific Northwest. The transition was hard at first, but with the support of her family and friends she managed to pull her life back together and became a Spanish teacher at a local community college.
It was the first day of school and Julie was taking attendance. Her eyes grew big as she recognized a unique last name on her roster. After class she took this familiar stranger aside and asked if she happened to be related to her long-lost friend. At her amazement, the young girl not only knew her, but was her daughter.
It turned out Mary divorced her doctor/husband and moved back to the West Coast only 2 years prior. Not knowing Julie's new last name and finding that both of her parents had passed, she stopped searching after a year. But that afternoon, on that first day of school, the two friends reunited in the courtyard.
They discovered that they'd only been living 3 miles from each other these past two years and immediately picked back up where they left off. They watched each other's children, cried on each other's shoulders and giggled at the little things they used to find so amusing. One of their fondest memories was dressing up like the Queen and having high tea in the back yard. They told and re-told the stories of how they put on ridiculous hats and pranced around in the grass, laughing merrily the whole time.
For Mary's 45th birthday, Julie surpised her with hats and a walk through the Arboretum. They sporadically broke in and out of character; one moment pretending to be the Queen and the next laughing uproariously. From that day on, they made a habit of this silly tradition and took weekly walks together. In time, the concept of playing the Queen wore off, but the hats remained. And so it was on the 7th of April, 2007 that they were meandering through the Arboretum when they were noticed by two friends on a similar path.

Seriously?

It's girls like this that continue to set us back.

My New Office View

5 Reasons Why Today Sucks And One Reason Why It Doesn't

- Logic left for Olympia today. He'll be gone until Friday.
-I woke up at 1:30 with a migraine. I found my way to the medicine cabinet only to remember I'd used the last migraine pill last month. (FUCK!) Pretty much knowing it wouldn't do anything, I took 4 tylenol.
-I got to work to find the movers ready to pack me up and move me to a bigger cube with 2 huge windows! Finally, a view of the sky!
-Logic got up around 6:00 to pack and get ready for his business trip. I put the pillow over my head. Grace jumped up on the bed and layed on my back - purring like crazy. (She was trying to make her Mama feel better.) Out of nowhere, George jumps up on the bed - scaring the shit out of Grace - who proceeds to claw her way across my back as she scrambles for the door.
- Due to my migraine, I had to cancel my plans to walk through the Arboretum with a friend after work.
- I rushed to Nordstrom Rack during my break to exchange something and as I waited for the bus to come back I was approached by a big girl in her early 20s who asked for a quarter. I tell her I don't have any change and she decided to repeat what I just said in a high pitched voice. We stare each other down for what seems like forever but is probably only 10 seconds. She backs off.

Dumpr

Uppity and I were just discussing photography today and I mentioned that I would like to do a 365 Project through flickr where I post a picture everyday for a year (just as it sounds). Uppity asked when I'd start and I told her I wanted to wait until I had photoshop so I could play around with some of the shots. And then magically, 2 hours later, I stumble across Dumpr. It's a site that works with flickr to alter your photos. Check it out.

Customer Service

I was starving. Completely famished. So I decided I'd take a walk and figure out where I wanted to eat. I'd over-done Asian cuisine lately and since I work in the International District of Seattle my options were limited. So I picked the one and only hamburger joint in the area.
As I was looking over the menu, a woman went up to the counter and asked if she could have a hamburger with two bottom buns as she couldn't have sesame seeds. At first the Asian woman behind the counter didn't understand her and when she finally realized what the woman was asking, she told her she didn't want to waste the tops of the buns.
(How fucking lame is that? Buns are suddenly very expensive? When did menial cost come before customer service?)
At that point I jumped in and offered to take the two top buns so she could order the hamburger she was craving. I hadn't really decided on having a burger but was so frustrated with the lack of concern that I felt I had to. Granted, I know it was just a hamburger and the woman would have survived without it. But OMG! The whole situation was completely ridiculous.

~I just opened my burger. One top bun, one bottom. I hope she got what she ordered.

Today's Conversation

Him:
Don't forget Easter is next Sunday
Me:
Yes, Fr John told me at mass yesterday
Him:
I figured
Me:
I gave up sarcasm for lent
Him:
Ha!
I soo believe you (get it? - ha!)

Recent Walk

Here are some of my favorite shots from a recent walk through Pioneer Square.

4 Ton Limo Ride

On my way from the gym to my office I happened to be on the phone with Jill and wasn't paying any attention to the announcements on the bus so when everyone got off at the library I was concerned.
The bus driver alerted me that he still had 3 more stops and I would be dropped off right in front of my building. Then he joked that he was giving me a four-ton limo ride to work. Nice way to start the day.

Smart (pause) AND Pretty

When I moved to Florida I didn't anticipate how much I'd grow to dislike my cousin. That story is for another time, but let's just say she wasn't exactly welcoming. So when it came time for my wedding, I tried to involve her in as little as possible. She was invited to the actual ceremony and also to a party we threw for our Grandparents a few nights before.
It was at that party that my family got to see first-hand what Michelle was like. And shortly after an incident in the kitchen, my sisters Laurie and Jill were outside on the porch talking. The conversation came up about how bitter Michelle was (is). To which one sister said: "she's just jealous of us because we're prettier" (include as much sarcasm as you'd like). The other sister replied: "Yeah! And smarter!".
From that day on it became 'a thing'. Something all of us sister's would say to cheer each other up. Only somehow it morphed into "you're smart AND pretty".
So today as I was walking through a new neighborhood on my break, I passed a middle-aged man who looked like he'd seen better days. He asked me if I knew where the Salvation Army was and after I gave him directions he said: "thank you! You're so smart!(pause) AND PRETTY!" I tried to control my laughter because I didn't want him to think it was directed at him. But after turning around to thank him I couldn't help but giggle a little bit.

Withdrawls

As I've stated before, my Dad and I email each other throughout the workweek. He is newly retired and I am loathing my job in front of a computer all day. I think he initiated it but we've gone back and forth for nearly a year now and he never seizes to brighten my day.
One glitch in our perfect system is when he goes on vacation. Having a good grasp of email, but not a great one, he hasn't set up a personal email account outside of his Outlook. This prevents him from being able to access his email when he's away from his computer. Which means that our communication stops for however long he's gone.
Since it has been a part of my day for so long now, I have a really hard time without our correspondence. My days seem longer. I laugh less. It's very sad, really.
It's been 2 days into his 3 week vacation and I'm starting to go through withdrawls. My mouse instinctually gravitates toward my inbox and I've already harrassed all my friends with multiple emails.
What the next few weeks will be like, I'm not sure. But I do know that when my Dad returns and I start getting emails from him again, I am going to be so happy!

My Batteries Are Dead

As spring approaches, I feel my spirits lighten. The dark thoughts that plague me all winter subside and I feel refreshed. It is something I've tried to conquer in the past - not letting the weather have so much affect on me - but I've come to realize that it's a part of who I am.
I like to be happy. And in order for me to be happy, I need to be surrounded by cheerful things. (ie: sunshine and puppies.)
So when I woke up this morning and the sky was clear I thought to myself: "Amaya, you should bring your camera to work and take pictures during your break."
Agreeing with myself that it was a good idea, I packed up the camera and headed into work.
As the day progressed, the clouds came back and I was getting discouraged. I really wanted to take some shots of springtime. Cheerful stuff with the sun shining in the background. But at 10:30 I couldn't wait any longer - I needed to take a break.
I decided to take a walk anyway and try to get some pictures. So I walk across the street to a local Asian grocery store and as I prepare to take a shot of the white cherry blossoms in the courtyard my camera shut down.
I try to start it up again but the screen shows "recharge batteries". So instead of taking pictures, I went for a walk and continues to search for places that inspire me.
Guess I'll have a better idea of what to take when my camera actually does work. And hey, maybe the sun will actually be out by then.

The 511

I left work at 3:30 and headed for the gym. I take one of 2 busses to get there. One is for Mukilteo and the other goes to Lynnwood/Ash Way. I see the Lynnwood/Ash Way bus pull up and get on the back entrance. I wait as the bus crowds up and when it gets close to my stop, I ring the bell.
The bus doesn't stop! I plow 20 people over in my attempt to get to the driver and he tells me "next stop Lynnwood. 511 doesn't stop at Howell and Yale. It never does."
(Now, if you recall this same thing happened to me in November. The day before Thanksgiving, to be exact. Apparently there is more than one Lynnwood/Ash Way bus and I happened to get on the Express. Aren't I lucky?)
Twenty minutes later, I got off in Lynnwood and waited another 10 minutes for a bus to downtown. And because of traffic and the lack of an express-lane heading south at that hour, it took 45 minutes to go 15 miles. When I did finally get back into Seattle, the bus dropped me off across the street from my gym! What are the odds?
In the meantime, Logic had a rough day as well. He'd driven down to Olympia to take a promotional-based test for his job. He called me around 1:30 to tell me he thought he bombed it and was going to be sick. I reminded him that he's his worst critic and that he probably did better than he thought. But true to his personality, he spent the rest of the day beating himself up.
So when I called Logic to tell him that I was on the 511 to Lynnwood, he decided to take a few co-workers up on their offer to watch some of the Sweet 16 at a bar. Later, after I met up with Logic, he admitted that he really needed that time to bullshit with his co-workers about the test. He wouldn't have gone if I'd been done with the gym at 5:00 so I guess my trip to Lynnwood was worth it afterall.

Inspiration

I often wake up in the middle of the night with an idea for a post. I go through the entire thing in my head. Writing and re-writing it until I'm happy. At that point, I drift back off to sleep only to wake up and not remember it.
Maybe I should be writing it down?

E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Letter from Allison

Paige transcribed an email today from my neice, Allison to me:

Allison to Auntie Amaya,

I miss you. I love you! I love Auntie Amaya!

Come visit me.

I love you.

Come play with me. I painted my nails. Mommy painted my toenails.

I painted Mommy’s fingernails.

Love, Allison

Losing Your Groove

Looks like someone is still Waiting to Exhale.

(Not Taye.. I just wanted to include a sexy picture of him. heehee)

Pet Peeve

I'm convinced the man who sits behind me doesn't know how to chew with his mouth closed.

~editorial note: this is not my co-worker

The New VP

AND NOW!... I HAVE THE GREAT PRIVELEDGE TO WELCOME OUR NEXT GUEST!... HE IS A WELL RESPECTED MAN IN HIS CONDO ASSOCIATION ...AND HAS BEEN KNOWN TO REPAIR MANY A HOUSEHOLD ITEM!...
AND AS OF LAST NIGHT!... WAS ELECTED VICE PRESIDENT... OF... THE ...ASSOCIATION!... (crowd roars)
WELCOME,... ONE AND ALL,...
LLLLOOOOGGGGGIIICCCC!!!!

Tap, Tap, Tap

Sometimes the tapping of fingers on a keyboard makes me sleepy. This does not bode well for my job performance. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz...

Who Complains About Their Weekend?

Growing up in a family where it wasn't encouraged to sit in front of the television all weekend, I am now finding it hard to do just that. This weekend is quite the opposite from last. I won't be cramming 3 friends into 2 days worth of quality time or devouring a good book. Those 3 friends are all busy this weekend and I had to return my book to the library without finishing it. :( To make matters worse, I ordered the book online and had it shipped to my office only to realize today that it will probably arrive tomorrow. So I'm left with few options. The weather will be a big factor, but I assume even the sunniest of skies will allow me a few hours of nothing to do.
So here I am, actually complaining about my weekend. WTF?

~update. My books just arrived. Anyone who knows me will be surprised that I'm actually excited to read!

In a Perfect World

I want to go to a salon where I can get a pedicure and cuddle with a puppy!

The China Lady

As an adult I realize that title may sound a little un-PC. But before PC was PC, I was a young girl who had just moved from Washington to Oregon. I was befriended by Lanie despite our many differences and we were inseparable for many years.
Lanie grew up in a house that encouraged performing. Whether that be singing, playing the piano, starring in a local play or winning at charades. This provided many a late night in her house. (My family was more reserved when it came to entertaining and most of us were in bed by 10:00. Still are, actually.)
So whenever Lanie and I would have a slumber party she would struggle to keep me awake past my bedtime. I would usually make it through whatever we were doing, but as soon as we got ready for bed my eyes would droop and I would start to fade. That would drive Lanie crazy! She wanted to stay awake and talk all night. Often times I would try to oblige but as soon as it was her turn to talk, I would be out. So she came up with this idea to tell each other stories. It would be completely random and stream-of-consciousness which made it very entertaining for both the story teller and the listener.
I don't remember who's story started the tradition, but somehow we would always manage to include The China Lady. She would always shuffle her way into the storyline just as you thought you had the plot figured out. Her understanding of American culture always provided a laugh and kept the listener wondering if she was going to do something silly.
Years later, Lanie and I are still friends but are far in proximity and lacking any good sleepover time. When we do get together, The China Lady usually comes up in conversation, along with other inside jokes. But the laughter that those stories evoked will never be duplicated.

Comparison

Photoshop is making it harder to appreciate natural beauty. I'll go out on a limb here and compare photoshop to breast implants.

Maria Shriver

"It's not shameful to struggle."

The Struggle

My Mom said to me today: "I don't understand how you can love us so much and disregard the way we raised you. How can you love us so much but not our religion when that is the core of who we are?"
I replied: "I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. You are more than just your faith."

I Am A Strawberry. I Dance On My Toes

When I was in 8th grade, my writing teacher passed around a poem. It started off with: "I am a strawberry. I dance on my toes". She asked us to write our own poem starting with: "I am not a strawberry" and to explain why. But in typical Amaya style, I was inspired to go against the grain. I thought to myself: "why can't I be a strawberry? What if I do dance on my toes?" And so I wrote a poem about being a dancer.
I was reminded of this poem on Saturday during my hip hop class. Toward the end of the class I'd managed to learn most of the routine and was able to critique myself in the mirror. I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I looked like a strawberry - dancing on my toes. I assume the dancers around me were thinking "what is the ballerina doing in this class?".

What Does It All Mean, Basil?

I realize that my last few posts have been leaning a little to the spiritual side so I've decided to change it up a bit for your pleasure.
On a completely different note, I am wondering if anyone speaks German? My Paternal Grandfather was German and he taught my Dad a poem. He, in turn, taught it to his children, all the while not knowing what it meant. So in an attempt to finally know what it means I am going to include it here. Please excuse the spelling, I don't know German:

Ein Svein Dry
Lisha Lasha Lie
Hucka Pucka Deema Snucka
Hoddle Poddle
Piff Puff
Do Bis Duff

Any takers?

New Template Background

Paige suggested that my previous backdrop was a little bright and since I still haven't had a chance to search for spring in my own backyard, I again turned to flickr. This picture is one of many beautiful shots taken by Shenghung Lin.

True

My first day of work was disappointing. I was ushered to my desk and left to fend for myself. Luckily for me, Uppity took notice and did her best to help. During the next few months I felt like more a part of her team than my own and even sat among her peers. And it was because of this good fortune that I met True.
True isn't her real name, it's actually Rebecca. But as time wore on, it became apparent that her ever-optimistic attitude reflected in her vocabulary as she was often heard responding to people with that four letter word. So it stuck.
The thing I liked the most about True was that she was so self-aware and honest about who she was. Her daily life was fueled by intuition and she had no desire to appease others through her lifestyle. She was a lesbian when I knew her, but during our last conversation over the phone she told me she was dating a man. She spent most of her time focused on Buddhism and quit her job when it became apparent that she wouldn't be able to spend as much time on retreats as she wanted.
But in the time that we worked together, I looked forward to every day. She illuminated joy and had a way of explaining life to me that opened my eyes and cleared my head. I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. I wanted to learn from her, to earn her respect and in turn, her friendship.
When she left, after only my sixth month with the company she surprised me with a note on my desk and a stone with the Buddha's face carved into it.
I only spoke to her twice after that. She is a nomad in a constant quest for life and I know that searching for her would be like trying to track the wind. So instead, I think of her often and hope that one day I will see her again.

Poem: The Summer Day

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver

Dear Isaiah

I woke up out of a dead sleep last night. I realized that I will be in Hawaii on your first birthday.
Naturally, I didn't plan my trip with that knowledge, but now that it's done, I can't help thinking that I should have recognized that and altered my plans.
Your big sister didn't seem to understand what was going on for her first birthday and she didn't even want any of her cake. But with you I know it will be different. Sure, there will be confusion about why everyone is there to take pictures of you, but I can guarantee you'll go straight for the cake. And what a sight you'll be. I'm going to miss seeing that. I am sorry.

What I've Learned

Since my anxiety kicked into high gear a year and a half ago, I've been on a quest to "find myself". And as obnoxious as it sounds, I wouldn't change a thing that has happened in that time frame because I have learned so much.
I've learned: that living to make others happy may seem benevolent but is actually torture.
Settling might appear easy but it will take it's toll - just like anything else.
Being honest about who you are - especially to the ones you love the most - is cathartic.
Life isn't about getting all the answers, it's just about living and making the most of it.
I've learned to trust my instincts. If I don't want to do something - I don't do it.
Even after learning all that in the span of 18 months, I have a long way to go. And as I previously stated - I'm not looking for all the answers. I just want to get back to a place where life is fun and every day is exciting.

Mindfulness

I think that growing up in a religious household put me in a place where I require some sort of spirituality. And since their religion didn't make sense to me, I've been searching for something to fill that void.
I recently looked into Kabballah; hoping it would provide some enlightenment into the all-important "why are we here?" question. I was inspired by some of Rabbi Aaron's insights in Kabballah Works: Secrets for Purposeful Living but found the teachings to be a little too 'organized religion' for me.
This lead me to consider being agnostic. But when I tried that on, it didn't fit. I needed to search for understanding. Not so much for answers, but for a greater view of what life really is.
So I decided to step back and look at the bigger picture. That's when I came across Coming To Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness. It isn't preachy like religion and it doesn't serve to answer all the questions. It just teaches how to appreciate everyday in it's purest sense and to see things for what they really are. I'm only a third of the way through it but I feel like I'm looking at life in a different way. Re-learning how to think. And finding new ways to find happiness in everyday life.
I'm sure my search will continue long after this book but I feel like I might be on the right path and that is a wonderful feeling.

It's A Secret

I left work at 11:00 and returned at 1:00. I was sneaky. Making sure no one was following me, I ran down the stairwell and out into the street. And when I returned, I was like a ninja. Swift, fast movements from the doorway to my desk.
Did anyone even know I was gone? I doubt it. I'm good.

Staying Put

After our trip to Willamette Pass in January where we spent a wonderful weekend with some friends from home, Logic and I considered moving back to Roseburg. We figured it would be a great place to settle down and spend Sunday dinners with our closest friends and family. And we felt like we were putting our lives on hold for the day when we could be back there and make memories with our loved ones.
So when Logic's parents came for a visit a month ago, we told them our intentions. They were shocked and excited but Logic's mom was somewhat apprehensive. She pointed out that Roseburg doesn't have much for people our age who have the same goals we have and the job market wouldn't offer much.
We spent the next few weeks discussing what our lives would be like there. And although the thought of having a familial support system sounded appealing, we decided it wasn't the right time. Logic's mom had some very valid points, but there was more to it than that. For one thing, I still haven't completed college. And while I have a stable job with good pay, I set a goal for myself a long time ago to get a degree and I need to do that for myself. For another, Logic has a great job with great benefits.
Knowing we made the right decision, we've spent the last month planning our future in Seattle. Right now we're focusing on my education and preparing him for the possibility of Law School. We're trying to finish our renovation on our condo so we can move up the real-estate ladder and purchase a townhome closer to our future schools. And we're consciously spending more time with our friends because we realize we might be here for a while and although they're not family, they're as close as it gets in Seattle (besides my brother, but I rarely see him).
So it looks like we're staying put for a while. And you know what? I'm alright with that. I've moved around most of my life, and the thought of making a home for myself in Seattle sounds like a refreshing change.

Sisters Weekend

If everything goes according to plan, my sister's and I will all be meeting up in beautiful Spokane (heh) in September for our very first Sisters Weekend!!!
It all started when I noticed that Keith Urban will be in Spokane on September 13th. Laur and I have talked about meeting up in Spokane for a concert and a relaxing weekend so I just had to call her and see if she could make it. She was as excited as I was and we began planning our trip. Then we told Jill and she suggested flying up for the weekend so she could spend time with us. After that, we looped in Paige and even though she has 2 young children at home, she's considering the trip too!

Trivia

I found a website called Wonderful Info and it had some interesting trivia. Thought I'd share my favorites:
- Mosquito repellants don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
- Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
-it's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
-A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
-Yo-yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines
-When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.
-The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
-the average four year old asks over 400 questions a day
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
- A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few weeks.
-chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying
-When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
-A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After Weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe Leaving her mentally retarded
-Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking Countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself."
-Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
-China has more English speakers than the United States.
-Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our Bodies.
-According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
-Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
-All polar bears are left handed.
-A snail can sleep for three years.
-In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
-Most lipstick contains fish scales.

I Need To Write It Down

When something upsets me, I need to talk about it. I call a friend or family member and verbalize how I feel. But it's recently come to my attention that I get no sense of relief from that. I could call 20 people and have different conversations with all of them and still not feel satisfied.But if I write it down, I find instant relief.

I Love Flickr

I just have to share a photo I found today. It was taken by B.Ho and if you have the time, you should look through his portfolio. Some of it is just breathtaking. Anyway, this is a shot he took in Korea. So beautiful!

Hip Hop Star

(insert Beyonce:
"Baby, let me know if you wanna roll
With this hip hop star
Bad boots on pants down low
I'm a hip hop star
Baby let me know if you wanna ride with this
Hip hop star
I'm a rock star")
I started taking ballet and jazz when I was in 4th grade. My friend Jennifer Holcolm was responsible for that.
It started out as a fun thing to do with a friend and turned into my creative outlet. I took classes throughout high school and even joined the dance team my senior year but after graduation I found it harder to find the time to pursue my favorite hobby.
While in Florida, I took a hip hop class at the community college only to find that I was completely out of my league. I got really discouraged and figured my dancing days were over.
But dance has been tugging at me lately. I tried to appease it by going to a few clubs but that wasn't enough. It wasn't just about the movement, it was about being in a classroom and surrounding myself with others who are as passionate as I am.
So this morning I finally got up the courage to attend a hip hop class at my gym. I walked in the room full of nerves - not knowing what to expect. Afterall, the last hip hop class I took was overwhelming; with people doing headstand twists and acrobatics. But as I looked around the room I saw people just like me. Most of them dancers looking to get back into it, but also a few people who just wanted to have a good time. The class started and I felt rigid. My body wasn't moving the way it was supposed to. But as time went on, I found my groove. And I have to say that It.Felt.Amazing!!! I am on a dancer's high right now and I can't wait to do it again.
Next class is on Monday and come hell or high water I will be there.

The Cosby Show

I grew up thinking Cliff and Claire Huxtable were a real couple living in New York with their family. (Don't worry, I realized around the age of 8 that it was a television show.) But regardless of the fact that they were an imaginary family, I loved them! Still do, actually. The Cosby Show is one of the few shows that I can still watch and enjoy.
So a few weeks ago, when there was a marathon of Cosby Shows on a local t.v. station in New Mexico, my parents decided to record it and send the tape (yes, tape) to me.
In what can only be described as a sweet gesture, they anticipated I would open the box and immediately sit in front of the t.v. and VCR and watch hours of my favorite show.
Sadly, I don't even know where my VCR is. But that doesn't take away from the feeling I get when I look at the casette. I can't help but smile everytime I see it.

Music Is Making Me Sick

Do you ever just get tired of music?
I am having a hard time listening to it lately. I used to be a fan of most genres but now find myself deleting pop, indie rock, rap, r&b, and emo from my iPod.
Some I won't miss. For example: pop music. I've always hated the fact that I like pop, with it's teeny-bopper lyrics and overly airbrushed stars. But leaving r&b behind has been tough. r&b has been like a brother to me. It's gotten me through some rough times and also reminded me how much I love to dance. Yet lately, that's not enough.
It all seems so manufactured now. So out of touch with the real concept of music - art.
But what I find so frustrating is that even Sam Cooke and Stevie Wonder aren't able to pull me out of this rut. I've come to realize I'm overstimulated most of the day and when I add music to that it seems to elevate the feeling.
I sure hope this goes away soon. I miss switching the channel on the radio and getting excited because an oldie-but-goodie is on. Singing loudly in the car or dancing in my living room are also distant memories. Memories I wish to recreate sometime soon.
HELP! Music is making me sick!

Dad's Email For Today

Every morning I get into work and set myself up for the day. And everyday I find an email waiting for me from my Dad. Today was no exception.
Today's was especially cute, so I thought I'd share some of it.
"Off to work while your mother stays home. I bet you wish she had stayed home while you were growing up. You are just lucky that you had siblings to take care of you. Imagine how it was for Laurie home alone all day as an infant. "

Richard Linklater

"We all give ourselves a lot of leeway, but we want consistency from other people."

Spring

Typically I like to use my own photos as the backdrop for this template but I am too eager for a spring that hasn't hit the NW yet. In the next few weeks I'll be looking for my own inspiration and hopefully finding spring in my own backyard. But until then, I want to recognize Pandasettepose's Gallery. Thank you for the burst of spring I've been craving.

Lifestyle

In the few days since the Buzz Cut Heard Round the World, I've struggled to avoid the articles. Partly because I think the media has already done enough damage but also because Britney's recent behavior is more and more unsettling.
I guess what scares me the most is having my own anxieties elevated by seeing America's own Pop Princess crack under the pressure of modern-life. Her face is a reflection of my own - one of fear and bewilderment - and it scares me to death to see this pedestaled pop tart having the same issues I do.
I already have a sneaking suspicion that more and more American's have anxiety and panic related disorders because of our lifestyle. We are constantly bombarded with information (injesting more news in a day that most people did in their lifetimes just a century ago) and succumbing to commercialism in its purest form. So it's no wonder that (in my opinion) some of the more sensitive are buckling under the pressure. Seeing Britney wander around aimlessly only solidifies my opinion that popular culture is killing us.
Just last week it was reported that Professor Mara Adelman asked her students at Seattle University to go on a media diet and live just one week without the modern conveniences of cell phones, iPods, computers and t.v. She wanted to prove that "the art of alone time is increasingly lost in our hectic, frazzled, wired lives". Her students protested so much that the study was stopped after 4 days.
Not to say that I think it'd be easy. In an average day I check my emails (3 different accounts) an uncountable number of times, I text message people and IM my sister. I also surf multiple sites such as: bloglines.com (so I can read your blogs) , cnn.com (for reliable news), msnbc.com (for more entertaining news), popsugar.com (for trashy entertainment news), fark.com (for strange news), gofugyourself.com (for celeb clothing mishap news) and that's just to name a few. I listen to my iPod at the gym (sometimes WHILE watching t.v.) and then go home and veg in front of the couch.
Recently I've been paying attention to how all of this media has been affecting the way I feel and I have yet to feel better after logging into my email or checking the latest headlines. But when I attempt to cut back on certain media outlets and overall-information-bombardment, I find myself feeling disconnected with society. So what's the happy medium? I'm still trying to figure that out. But mark my words: the more our society resembles Minority Report (insert scene where Tom's character is running down the street with advertisements flashing off buildings), the more anxiety and panic we are going to have.

I Hate Pizza Hut

This is how it went down:
7:06 - I logged onto pizzahut.com
- Ordered 1 large cheesy-bites pineapple pizza and 1 order of boneless buffalo wings
- I was quoted 1 hour for delivery
8:06 - no pizza. no wings
8:15 - spoke with Heather at my local Pizza Hut location. She claimed our driver was on his way to our house
8:30 - spoke with Heather again. She offered to have her manager call the driver. At this point I was extremely frustrated. I couldn't believe they're only consolation was to call the driver. After a quick and firm conversation the only thing I got was a $10 credit for our next purchase.
8:40 - food arrives. cold pizza, wings WITH bones and no dipping sauce.
I hate Pizza Hut.

(Un)Happy Valentine's Day

Logic has always hated Valentine's Day. Being the hopeless romantic, er, realist that he is, he doesn't like commercial holidays. (Don't even get me started about Christmas.) After 8 years together, his opinion of the holiday has all but ruined it for me. I no longer expect anything from him. In fact, I started telling people that we don't celebrate the day because I'd given up. So I got up this morning, expecting nothing from him, and headed into work.
As I was reading the morning news, I stumbled across an article on msnbc.com called The Ugly Side of Valentine's Day. It talked about how the Valentine's Day industry is encouraging such things as forced child labor in the cocoa fields, non-union workers inhaling pesticides on flowers, blood diamonds, deforestation for greeting cards, and sweatshops for lingerie seamstresses.
The article got me thinking; either Logic wrote the article under the name Alexandra Gekas, or there are people out there who are just as bitter about Valentine's Day as he is.
So to any of you who agree, here is some ammunition when your significant other hounds you about your lack of interest in the day. But if you, like me, are still a hopeless romantic after reading this, remind your significant other that Valentine's Day doesn't need to be about buying you anything. It can be about cooking a nice dinner at home, watching a favorite movie or even playing a board game. Just do something to show you care.

Pet Peeves

Why do people hit the push button at a crosswalk more than once?

Just a Thought

It never occurred to me that even though I put people into categories, they themselves have no idea where they fit in.

World Champ Card Counter

Melanie and I have known each other for nearly 20 years. It all started when I moved to Roseburg halfway through 4th grade and she 'took me under her wing' as our teacher told my parents. We actually only went to school together for 3 months. Besides her family sending her to a different grade school after 4th grade, we were in different districts for junior high and then I moved to Montana before high school. We made an effort to visit each other for the next three years and then after graduation, we both moved to Portland together.
It's hard to say why we've been able to stay friends, but I'm guessing compromise has a lot to do with it. Melanie agreed to pretend we were mermaids needing to search for shell bikinis and I agreed to let her beat me at every possible card game imaginable.
Man, did I hate playing cards with her. And yet, I did it anyway. It was until much later that I realized Melanie wasn't just good at cards, she had stradegy. And that stradegy would later turn out to benefit her in many ways.
She would drop out of college one semester before graduation to take a job at a casino. Working her way up the ranks, she now supervises a security division where she catches cheaters in the act. Her dream job. And it's that dream job that had a contest a few months back. A contest to see who could count cards the fastest. When Melanie won, she was awarded 2 tickets to Las Vegas. And so it was practically fate when she entered the Card Counting Competition at the Bellagio and won. Breaking the record with 7.8 seconds, Melanie won 2 tickets to Vegas for next year's competition, a trophy, digital camcorder and her picture in a major gambling magazine.
Way to go Mel! You can send me a thank you card when you finish signing autographs.

William Boyd

'The happiness of women when a girlfriend gets a man is not an emotion shared by the other half of the sexual divide.'

Robots are Going to Take Over the World

Just another sign that we will soon be controlled by robots.

Question

Why do women marry men and expect them to act like women?

Remember When...

cd's took the place of cassette tapes? I remember thinking "I wonder what will take the place of cds?"
It's so interesting to be on the other side of that question. To know the answer, when I remember thinking the question as if it was yesterday.

Drew Barrymore

"But in my early 20s, I realized that what I liked about life was the celebration of it."

The Wrong Bus

Around Thanksgiving I went on a fantastic voyage to Lynnwood without intending to. That day was interesting to say the least, and yet somehow I managed to stay in a good mood and chalked it up to another interesting story in the tale of my life.
But after reading this article I decided Jaeyaena Beuraheng's story totally kicked my story's ass.

A Woman Should Have

My friend lilikoi forwarded this poem to me and I wanted to share it.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....Enough money within her control to move out And rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to See Her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...A youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her Old Age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....One friend who always makes her laugh...And one Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her Family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, And a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel Honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...How to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...When to try harder...And WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That she can't change the length of her calves, The width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...That her childhood may not have been perfect...But it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...How to live alone...Even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, And why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...Where to go...Be it to her best friend's kitchen table...Or a charming inn in the woods...When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...What she can and can't accomplish in a day...A month...And a year...

~

Maya Angelou

Greenlake

Logic and I used to live in North Seattle. We settled into Greenwood when we moved here from Florida and stayed for a year until we found our condo. During our time in Greenwood, I was trying to start up my own business and found myself with a very sporadic schedule and a lot of stress. Since Greenlake was only a few miles from my apartment, I would often drive down the hill and jog the 3 mile trail to burn off some steam.
(Greenlake is a beautiful natural park that some even compare to Central Park. They both have gorgeous scenery, walking trails, playing fields and constant bustle. Only, Greenlake is much smaller.)
After Logic and I moved into our condo I found a few new places to jog and even got a gym membership. I rarely find reason to drive up North and haven't jogged Greenlake in over a year. So when I recently scheduled an appointment near there, I wanted to make sure I had enough time to get in a good jog before I headed back into downtown.
I woke up this morning and put on my nicest jogging clothes,(since I work in a relaxed environment, I knew this wouldn't be a problem) packed a water bottle and some gloves and headed off to work. When 12:30 rolled around, my appointment was over and I was at the lake. The sky was overcast but the sun was trying it's hardest to make an appearance. There was a slight breeze and it was around 50 degrees - Perfect jogging weather!
I turned on my iPod and got into a rhythm.
Bebot bebot
Be bebot bebot
Be bebot bebot be
Ikaw ang aking
My feet were moving in time with the music and I was reminded of how much I love my old friend, Greenlake.

My Take on the Superbowl

My family is very sports-oriented so it came as a relief yesterday when, halfway through the Superbowl, I realized I wouldn't have to console anyone. My dad is from Detroit so his loyalty lies there - Lions, Pistons, Red Wings, Tigers (Lions, Tigers and Bears, oh my!). Logic was born in Utah so he is a die-hard basketball fan and loves the Jazz, but has only come around to liking football in the last few years. Jill is a Chargers fan, and Paige likes players who come from OSU, but doesn't follow a particular team.
Which means there were no Colts fans nor Bears fans that I would have to cheer up at the end of the game.
It was a wonderful feeling.