I just got a call from Tom. "Fuck, I missed Dad's birthday, didn't I?"
By the time we hung up, I was furious. First of all, Mom buys this slacker a calendar every year and writes down everyone's birthdays. Apparently that isn't enough for this 37 year old douche. Second, if he forgot Dad's birthday, why the fuck is he calling me? Third, his excuse was that he was in the ER because he couldn't move his arm. (With Tom it's always something.) I'm pretty sure he could call Dad in the waiting room using his "good" arm. Or maybe call in the 2 days afterward.
I shouldn't be surprised. This is typical of Tom. I think he does this on purpose so that no one expects anything from him. And maybe on some sadistic level, he enjoys making our family feel like he's too busy to care.
When he does this, I usually play it off as no big deal. I don't want him to get a rise out of me - like I suspect he's wanting. But it's frustrating; especially when I feel like he's hurting someone's feelings.
Sometimes I get really upset with him because of the way he treats our parents. He's always had an issue with Mom, and I can only assume it has to do with the fact that she is outspoken about religion and he finds weakness in that. He repeatedly calls dad altruistic and seems to have a great deal of respect for him, but not enough to make a damn phone call on his birthday, apparently.
I've talked with Mom and Dad about this in the past. It pains me to see someone be so blatantly ungrateful to their loving family. They insist that they no longer expect anything from him and that they know that it's "just Tom". But I think that's bullshit. I mean, I'm glad they don't take it personally but that has to be really hard for parents to feel so under-appreciated by one of their own. I hurt for them. But that's where it gets tricky. You see, this is a pattern of mine. I like to worry about things I have no control over and that, honestly, don't affect me directly. There is nothing I can do to change the way that Tom acts and there's nothing I can do to protect our parents from it. But I have great sorrow in my heart for the effects of his actions and I want to protect my loved ones from the pain he causes.
I need to learn how to separate myself from things I cannot control. It is not my fault and there is nothing I can to do fix it. I just need to let go. Otherwise, I wind myself up so tight and I let it seep into the part of my brain that turns worry into anxiety.
This is where I've gotten into trouble before. I don't want to go back to THAT PLACE. So I breathe a sigh of relief and try to see the good. At least I know that Tom is still alive (which is sometimes a concern with him) and that he is at least making a last-ditch effort to recognize Dad's birthday. Plus, Dad (and Mom) has five other children who continue to reassure him everyday that he is loved and remembered and that is five more than some people have.
April 08, 2008
Giving Credit: Flickr Friends
1. another day in paradise, 2. Silly Wabbit.....Trix are for Kids, 3. Aerial view, 4. After the Fall, 5. A day off from the zoo, 6. A Storm Approaches the Pier, 7. Isaiah, 8. Needled, 9. Whispers, 10. Sunset on 2007, 11. 40 weeks, 12. Baxter Says Hi, 13. Opera House, 14. Bye Bye today... See ya again tomorrow!, 15. Blue Moment of Innocence, 16. Collage of Color!, 17. Waterlogged, 18. Happy New Year, 19. Heavenly, 20. Panther, 21. Day Ninety-Seven: Shhhhh, Mama, Don't Talk, 22. No Limits, 23. Purty Purple 'n Green, 24. Heels, 25. leftover drops, 26. Day Three Hundred Sixty-Five: Swan Song, 27. Day One Hundred Forty-Seven: Friday Night Zen, 28. Self Portrait, 29. How Babies are Born..., 30. Autumn Flame, 31. Dewy web with honeysuckle bokeh, 32. wide angle, 33. Buddy's Feather Boa (on Vimeo), 34. Day Two Hundred Sixty-One: Momma's Little Helper, 35. Nottingham Castle, 36. Cue, The Closeup
Created with fd's Flickr Toys.
Created with fd's Flickr Toys.
April 03, 2008
Astrology - Rubbing It In
Last night in my Sociology of Religion class, we discussed different religions and why they were categorized as religions.
The topic of astrology came up. I remembered hearing that some form of Judaism incorporated astrology but when I mentioned that to my professor, she brushed it off.
So I had to do some research when I got into work today. Alas, this is what I found:
"The Kabbalah Centre has a strong belief in astrology, and asserts that astrology, including the Zodiac, has been part of Judaism since its inception. The Centre claims astrology was lost in Jewish tradition as part of the suppression of Kabbalah by Jewish rabbis nearly 2000 years ago (evidence of this includes ancient synagogues with zodiac rings). This claim is historically inaccurate, as astrology was studied by Jewish scholars throughout the Middle Ages, though it was opposed by more philosophically inclined thinkers such as Maimonides. As such, there is a strong belief in the Kabbalah tradition that cosmic forces affect everything, and knowing how to understand them can prove to be valuable to the aspiring Kabbalist. Philip Berg, the founder of the Kabbalah Center, is himself an astrologer and has written numerous books on astrology during his career."
Hmm. Looks like I was right.
The topic of astrology came up. I remembered hearing that some form of Judaism incorporated astrology but when I mentioned that to my professor, she brushed it off.
So I had to do some research when I got into work today. Alas, this is what I found:
"The Kabbalah Centre has a strong belief in astrology, and asserts that astrology, including the Zodiac, has been part of Judaism since its inception. The Centre claims astrology was lost in Jewish tradition as part of the suppression of Kabbalah by Jewish rabbis nearly 2000 years ago (evidence of this includes ancient synagogues with zodiac rings). This claim is historically inaccurate, as astrology was studied by Jewish scholars throughout the Middle Ages, though it was opposed by more philosophically inclined thinkers such as Maimonides. As such, there is a strong belief in the Kabbalah tradition that cosmic forces affect everything, and knowing how to understand them can prove to be valuable to the aspiring Kabbalist. Philip Berg, the founder of the Kabbalah Center, is himself an astrologer and has written numerous books on astrology during his career."
Hmm. Looks like I was right.
March 31, 2008
The Douche Awards
I was inspired this morning.
As I walked out of my building, I saw a large truck taking up two parking spaces on an already packed street. Just to paint an accurate picture, he was parallel parked, so it had nothing to do with the size (or lack thereof) of his truck. He was just being a douche.
This is a common occurrence on my street and it angers me in a way that it probably shouldn't because it rarely affects me. But I have a hard time understanding how some people can be so blatantly inconsiderate.
This lead me to wonder how I could let people like the truck driver know when they're being total douche's without being confrontational.
There is an artist (whose name eludes me) who used to hand out these amazing business cards that said something like: "Hello, I am black. You may not have known that, which could be why you chose to talk in a way that you didn't realize I would find offensive" when she found herself in a conversation that was racist. She was a black woman with fair skin and was often mistaken for white. You can imagine how uncomfortable she must have been to find herself in conversations where African Americans were talked about negatively. So she decided to hand out those business cards whenever she found herself in a situation where she was mistake for someone who would have been interested in racist dialogue.
I'm not wanting to go quite that far with it. After all, I did say 'without being confrontational' (aka: I'm scared). But maybe I could make up some business cards like this:
Congratulations! You've been
awarded a DOUCHE AWARD.
Due to your recent behavior, the
Douche Committee deemed you worthy of
an award. To see what you've won,
please go to
www.doucheawards.com
(and then I'll set up some bogus website where I can give examples of people being douches.)
What do you think?
As I walked out of my building, I saw a large truck taking up two parking spaces on an already packed street. Just to paint an accurate picture, he was parallel parked, so it had nothing to do with the size (or lack thereof) of his truck. He was just being a douche.
This is a common occurrence on my street and it angers me in a way that it probably shouldn't because it rarely affects me. But I have a hard time understanding how some people can be so blatantly inconsiderate.
This lead me to wonder how I could let people like the truck driver know when they're being total douche's without being confrontational.
There is an artist (whose name eludes me) who used to hand out these amazing business cards that said something like: "Hello, I am black. You may not have known that, which could be why you chose to talk in a way that you didn't realize I would find offensive" when she found herself in a conversation that was racist. She was a black woman with fair skin and was often mistaken for white. You can imagine how uncomfortable she must have been to find herself in conversations where African Americans were talked about negatively. So she decided to hand out those business cards whenever she found herself in a situation where she was mistake for someone who would have been interested in racist dialogue.
I'm not wanting to go quite that far with it. After all, I did say 'without being confrontational' (aka: I'm scared). But maybe I could make up some business cards like this:
Congratulations! You've been
awarded a DOUCHE AWARD.
Due to your recent behavior, the
Douche Committee deemed you worthy of
an award. To see what you've won,
please go to
www.doucheawards.com
(and then I'll set up some bogus website where I can give examples of people being douches.)
What do you think?
March 28, 2008
Slowly But Surely, I Am Becoming the Person I've Always Wanted to Be
One quarter down and 5 more to go; I am anxious to get back to school. Spring Break has been nice but it is a reminder of how little I was doing before I went back. The two classes I took last quarter have proven to be instrumental in getting me on the path I need to take. My English class refreshed my knowledge of writing a paper and analyzing literature. My Art class showed me a new side of myself; I am a feminist. It also led me to take the next step in my education. I am signed up for Sociology of Religion. I don't think I would have been able to take that class without having taken my Art class because it opened my eyes to how I truly feel about organized religion and took the fear out of it. I can hardly wait to learn more about religion in general and to finally see it from an outside perspective.
My anxiety finally feels under control. I have been seeing a new therapist since November and Susan has changed my life. To summarize an analogy from Aaryn: she is the Manolo Blahnik of therapists. Together we have translated the jumbled mess that was residing in my head and it feels amazing! There are times when I get a glimmer of how I used to feel and I quickly alter my thought process. Those moments are a reminder to be grateful for all the hard work I've put into my progress.
I am organizing my life around exercise and loving it. Yoga has been the primary focus for months now and I truly feel its intention. It is hugely responsible for my lack of anxiety (along with what Susan has taught me). Recently I started taking Hip Hop classes again and it is filling my soul up in a way I'd forgotten dance can do. In every class I have at least one moment where the moves are not longer thought about; they just come. And it is such a rush.
I am closer to Logic because of all these factors. We talk about what I'm learning in class and yoga and I think I can even take some credit for getting him back into reading. This makes me happy on so many levels - one of which being that it gives us even more to talk about. We are diving deeper into conversations we've already had and learning more about each other every day.
I am so grateful to finally look at myself and see the person that was hiding inside for so long. She is blossoming and her evolution is so far from over.
My anxiety finally feels under control. I have been seeing a new therapist since November and Susan has changed my life. To summarize an analogy from Aaryn: she is the Manolo Blahnik of therapists. Together we have translated the jumbled mess that was residing in my head and it feels amazing! There are times when I get a glimmer of how I used to feel and I quickly alter my thought process. Those moments are a reminder to be grateful for all the hard work I've put into my progress.
I am organizing my life around exercise and loving it. Yoga has been the primary focus for months now and I truly feel its intention. It is hugely responsible for my lack of anxiety (along with what Susan has taught me). Recently I started taking Hip Hop classes again and it is filling my soul up in a way I'd forgotten dance can do. In every class I have at least one moment where the moves are not longer thought about; they just come. And it is such a rush.
I am closer to Logic because of all these factors. We talk about what I'm learning in class and yoga and I think I can even take some credit for getting him back into reading. This makes me happy on so many levels - one of which being that it gives us even more to talk about. We are diving deeper into conversations we've already had and learning more about each other every day.
I am so grateful to finally look at myself and see the person that was hiding inside for so long. She is blossoming and her evolution is so far from over.
March 26, 2008
March 24, 2008
Raise Your Hands
if you think this blog has been lame lately. Wait! Not so fast.
That's just hurtful that you all were willing to raise your hands without a second thought.
Nah, just kidding. It's been lame.
I'm on Spring Break now and feel like some of my creativity might actually be directed toward this blog. MIGHT.
That's just hurtful that you all were willing to raise your hands without a second thought.
Nah, just kidding. It's been lame.
I'm on Spring Break now and feel like some of my creativity might actually be directed toward this blog. MIGHT.
March 18, 2008
March 14, 2008
March 13, 2008
For 2 Years, She Sat on a Toilet Seat
Thursday, March 13, 2008 - Page updated at 12:00 AM
The Associated Press
WICHITA, Kan. — Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years — so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.
"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."
Whipple said investigators planned to present their report today to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.
"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."
He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.
"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,' " Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."
The boyfriend called police Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding he never explained why it took him two years to call.
Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her midthigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked as though they had atrophied, Whipple said.
"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.
She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with investigators or medical providers. Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.
Copyright © 2008 The Seattle Times Company
March 12, 2008
March 11, 2008
How Great Is This?
I get to meet him next month! He's speaking on compassion and civic responsibility and will be awarded the honorary degree of Doctor of Humane Letters. There will be a part of the afternoon specifically set aside for students to ask questions. I'm so excited!
Tied Together
Yesterday's post was a joke that my sister loves. It's a quote from Road Trip where the dog is high and tells his owner "make me some blueberry pancakes, bitch". Well, I was looking it up this morning, hoping to find a link but instead found a little bit of trivia. Corky the dog was voiced by ... Jimmy Kimmel. Too funny.
March 10, 2008
March 04, 2008
March 03, 2008
School Schmool
It's the end of the quarter and I'm sure feeling it. Pressure from every angle is squeezing all the energy out of me.
40 hours of work
8 hours of school
8 hours of home work
2 hours of yoga
miscellaneous time spent with Logic or taking pictures or.. you know.. sleeping
equals
not much else
I'm hoping my momentum picks back up during Spring Break because I'm going to need it next quarter. But if it doesn't, I'll just take a look around and remind myself that my life has so much potential. I am not going to settle. I will work hard and make a few sacrifices and hey, maybe even get out of this one-bedroom condo someday. Who knows?
40 hours of work
8 hours of school
8 hours of home work
2 hours of yoga
miscellaneous time spent with Logic or taking pictures or.. you know.. sleeping
equals
not much else
I'm hoping my momentum picks back up during Spring Break because I'm going to need it next quarter. But if it doesn't, I'll just take a look around and remind myself that my life has so much potential. I am not going to settle. I will work hard and make a few sacrifices and hey, maybe even get out of this one-bedroom condo someday. Who knows?
February 27, 2008
The Truth about Vegas
is that it blows.
I went into it thinking I would see some hookers and some sad old guys shriveling over slot machines but I didn't anticipate how dirty the city would be. Not only did it have litter everywhere, but it smelled like feces. And the worst thing of all was seeing minority people passing out prostitution cards, as if it were their only option for putting food on the table.
I was overwhelmed with the facade of it all. Oh yeah, and that smell.
I went into it thinking I would see some hookers and some sad old guys shriveling over slot machines but I didn't anticipate how dirty the city would be. Not only did it have litter everywhere, but it smelled like feces. And the worst thing of all was seeing minority people passing out prostitution cards, as if it were their only option for putting food on the table.
I was overwhelmed with the facade of it all. Oh yeah, and that smell.
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