My Brother, A Douche Award Recipient

I just got a call from Tom. "Fuck, I missed Dad's birthday, didn't I?"
By the time we hung up, I was furious. First of all, Mom buys this slacker a calendar every year and writes down everyone's birthdays. Apparently that isn't enough for this 37 year old douche. Second, if he forgot Dad's birthday, why the fuck is he calling me? Third, his excuse was that he was in the ER because he couldn't move his arm. (With Tom it's always something.) I'm pretty sure he could call Dad in the waiting room using his "good" arm. Or maybe call in the 2 days afterward.
I shouldn't be surprised. This is typical of Tom. I think he does this on purpose so that no one expects anything from him. And maybe on some sadistic level, he enjoys making our family feel like he's too busy to care.
When he does this, I usually play it off as no big deal. I don't want him to get a rise out of me - like I suspect he's wanting. But it's frustrating; especially when I feel like he's hurting someone's feelings.
Sometimes I get really upset with him because of the way he treats our parents. He's always had an issue with Mom, and I can only assume it has to do with the fact that she is outspoken about religion and he finds weakness in that. He repeatedly calls dad altruistic and seems to have a great deal of respect for him, but not enough to make a damn phone call on his birthday, apparently.
I've talked with Mom and Dad about this in the past. It pains me to see someone be so blatantly ungrateful to their loving family. They insist that they no longer expect anything from him and that they know that it's "just Tom". But I think that's bullshit. I mean, I'm glad they don't take it personally but that has to be really hard for parents to feel so under-appreciated by one of their own. I hurt for them. But that's where it gets tricky. You see, this is a pattern of mine. I like to worry about things I have no control over and that, honestly, don't affect me directly. There is nothing I can do to change the way that Tom acts and there's nothing I can do to protect our parents from it. But I have great sorrow in my heart for the effects of his actions and I want to protect my loved ones from the pain he causes.
I need to learn how to separate myself from things I cannot control. It is not my fault and there is nothing I can to do fix it. I just need to let go. Otherwise, I wind myself up so tight and I let it seep into the part of my brain that turns worry into anxiety.
This is where I've gotten into trouble before. I don't want to go back to THAT PLACE. So I breathe a sigh of relief and try to see the good. At least I know that Tom is still alive (which is sometimes a concern with him) and that he is at least making a last-ditch effort to recognize Dad's birthday. Plus, Dad (and Mom) has five other children who continue to reassure him everyday that he is loved and remembered and that is five more than some people have.