Ms. Magazine: Who Wants to Marry a Feminist by Lisa Miya-Jervis

I am working on a paper about Ms. Magazine for my Race, Gender, and Class in the Media course and I really enjoyed this article. Just thought I'd share.

Who Wants to Marry a Feminist?
By Lisa Miya-Jervis


The winter I got engaged, a college friend was using some of my essays as course material for a Rhetoric 101 class she was teaching at a large Midwestern university. She couldn't wait to alert her students to my impending marriage. "They all think you're a lesbian," she told me. "One of them even asked if you hate men." I was blown over by the clichZ of it all--how had we come to the end of the twentieth century with such ridiculous, outmoded notions even partially intact? But I was, at least, pleased that my friend was able to use my story to banish the stereotype once and (I hoped) for all in the minds of 30 corn-fed first-years. "To a man?" they reportedly gasped when told the news.

I'd been married less than a year when a customer at the bookstore where my husband works approached the counter to buy a copy of the feminist magazine I edit. "You know," a staffer told her while ringing up the purchase, "the woman who does this magazine is married to a guy who works here." The customer, supposedly a longtime reader, was outraged at the news--I believe the phrase "betrayal of feminism" was uttered--and vowed never to buy the magazine again.

These two incidents may be extreme, but they are nonetheless indicative. Although we are far from rare, young married feminists are still, for some, something of a novelty--like a dressed-up dog. We can cause a surprised "Oh, would you look at that" or a disappointed "Take that damned hat off the dog, it's just not right."

Let's take the disappointment first. Marriage's bad reputation among feminists is certainly not without reason. We all know the institution's tarnished history: women as property passed from father to husband; monogamy as the simplest way to assure paternity and thus produce "legitimate" children; a husband's legal entitlement to his wife's domestic and sexual services. With marriage rates falling and social sanctions against cohabitation falling away, why would a feminist choose to take part in such a retro, potentially oppressive, bigotedly exclusive institution?

Well, there are a lot of reasons, actually. Foremost are the emotional ones: love, companionship, the pure joy that meeting your match brings with it. But, because I'm wary of the kind of muddled romanticizing that has ill-served women in their heterosexual dealings for most of recorded history, I have plenty of other reasons. To reject marriage simply because of its history is to give in to that history; to argue against marriage by saying that a wife's identity is necessarily subsumed by her husband's is to do nothing more than second the notion.

And wasn't it feminists who fought so hard to procure the basic rights that used to be obliterated by marriage? Because of the women's rights movement, we can maintain our own bank accounts; we can make our own health care choices; we can refuse sex with our husbands and prosecute them if they don't comply. In the feminist imagination, "wife" can still conjure up images of cookie-baking, cookie-cutter Donna Reeds whose own desires have been forced to take a backseat to their stultifying helpmate duties. But it's neither 1750 nor 1950, and Donna Reed was a mythical figure even in her own time. Marriage, now, is potentially what we make it.

Which brings me to the "surprise" portion of our program. As long as the yeti of the antifeminist world--the hairy-legged man-hater (everyone claims to have seen her but actual evidence is sparse)--roams the earth, we need to counteract her image. And as long as wives are assumed--by anyone--to be obedient little women with no lives of their own, those of us who give the lie to this straw bride need to make ourselves as conspicuous as possible.

I want to take the good from marriage and leave the rest. I know it's not for everyone, but the "for as long as we both shall live" love and support thang really works for me. Sure, I didn't need the wedding to get that love and support, but neither does the fact of marriage automatically consign me and my man to traditional man-and-wife roles. Like so many relationships, married and un-, ours is a complex weave of support, independence, and sex. We achieve this privately--from the mundanities of you-have-to-cook-tonight-because-I-have-this-deadline-tomorrow to sleepy late-night discussions on more profound matters, like the meaning of life or how many steps it takes to link Kevin Bacon to John Gielgud by way of at least one vampire movie. But also publicly--with our name change, for example (explaining to folks like the Social Security Administration and whoever hands out passports that, yes, we both need new papers, because we each have added the other's name was, and I mean this quite seriously, a thrill). And it's this public nature of marriage that appeals. It's what allows me to take a stab at all this change I've been yammering about.

I won't pretend I meet with success all the time. Disrupting other people's expectations is hard, and sometimes it's neither possible nor desirable to wear the workings of one's relationship on one's sleeve. An appropriate cocktail party introduction is not, "This is my husband, Christopher, who knows how to truss a turkey, which I don't, and who, by the way, doesn't mind at all that I make more money than him. Oh, and did I mention that the last time our toilet got scrubbed, it wasn't by me?"

Plus, some people's perceptions can only change so much. My 90-year-old grandfather, who has been nothing but open-minded and incredibly supportive of my feminist work, persists in asking what my husband is going to do for food whenever I leave town on my own. Each time, I say the same thing: "Christopher knows perfectly well how to feed himself. In fact, he's cooking dinner for me right now." And then my grandfather gives a little surprised chuckle: those crazy kids, what will they think of next? And my accountant, who's been doing my taxes for years and knows my husband only as a Social Security number, automatically assigned Christopher the status of "taxpayer" and put me down as "spouse" on our first joint return. Yeah, it was a tad annoying, but so far it's the sum total of the eclipse of my identity by his. Not so bad, really.

By and large I do believe that we're culturally ready to accept changes in the way marriages are viewed. Increasing rates of cohabitation and the growing visibility of long-term same-sex partnerships are changing popular notions of relationships. Even trash TV holds promise: Fox's Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? debacle laid bare many ugly things about American capitalism and media spectacle, but there was one fairly unexpected result. The show was presented as a display, however crass, of old-fashioned marital values--a trade of youth, beauty, and fecundity for wealth, security, and caretaking, complete with the groom's friends and family on hand for that lovely arranged-marriage feel. But it turned out to be nothing of the kind. The bride, as it happened, just wanted the lark of a free trip to Vegas, and the groom, a boost to his moribund show-biz career. That the concept saw the outside of a Fox conference room proves that modern marriage is in dire need of feminist attention. But the widely expressed outrage and disgust that followed the show are evidence that the general public is more than ready to discard the notion that a woman's ultimate goal is the altar.

It's true that the most important parts, the actual warp and weft of Christopher's and my relationship, could be achieved without a legal marriage (and I could have kept my third-wave street cred). In the end, though, the decision to marry or not to marry is--no matter how political the personal--an emotional one. I wanted to link my life to Christopher's, and, yes, I admit to taking advantage of the universally understood straight-shot-to-relationship-legitimacy that marriage offers. But it is a testament to the feminists who came before me, who offered up all those arguments about marriage's oppressive roots and worked tirelessly to ensure that my husband owns neither my body nor my paycheck, that I can indulge my emotion without fear of being caught in those roots. Instead, I can carry on their struggle and help forge a new vision of what marriage is.

~Lisa Miya-Jervis is the editor of "Bitch: Feminist Response to Pop Culture" and coeditor of "Young Wives' Tales," an upcoming anthology of feminist writings on partnership (Seal Press 2001).

While I Was Sleeping

Logic was in a meeting this morning that may have significant impact on our lives. While I laid in bed, sleeping after a grueling night of "My Mommy!, No! My Mommy!" arguing between the cats (my life is so tough), Logic was summoned into the conference room to learn that his boss was being transferred to another location, his team was merging with another, and a position that he is very interested in will be re-located to the Olympia branch.
His call, which woke me up, was full of anticipation and excitement. He is still interested in the position and wants to talk to me about how we can make it work while I finish school. It hadn't occurred to me that losing my job might set us up to make some drastic changes. But it seems to be one less thing tying us to Seattle. Part of me is sad.
I've grown to really care about Seattle. Once I got past the gloom, I saw the true beauty of the city which comes from its people. There are so many personalities roaming the 7 hills of Seattle and I don't know if I am ready to leave.
But, as I write this, I know I am getting ahead of myself. Logic works for the government which means nothing is going to happen overnight. And when it does happen, I know we will make the best decision for us.
It really is funny how one change can cause a domino effect in life. Already I am staring down a full-load at school and the possibility of supplementing my income by waiting tables - something I never thought I'd do again. But it just feels right.
I could have never imagined quitting my corporate job - with its 401(k), stock options, and paid vacation - to focus primarily on school and wait tables on the side. But since the situation was given to me, it seems like the best thing to do.
So I'm sure when it comes time to figure out Logic's next professional move, the situation will present itself with some great options for us. They may not be the ones I would choose for us now, but down the road they might just be perfect.

Simplicity

I love this new layout. It's a blank canvas. Kind of like my life.
I was inspired to change this after creating a new photo-blog (found here).
The simplicity of the template doesn't distract, and that's what I want in my life: no distractions.
Let me know what you think of this, and of the photoblog.

Yet Another Story about George

I feel guilty.
George was all alone and sad after Gracie had to be put to sleep. We let him cry for 2 months before it became unbearable. We wanted him to know that we missed Grace as much as he did and that we weren't trying to replace her, but we also wanted him to have companionship. So in January we got him a friend.
Mobey had an upper respiratory infection when we picked him up from the shelter and we tried noticed significant improvement before he was fully integrated so we figured everything would be fine. But a few weeks later George started drooling and we found a cold-sore on his tongue. A few weeks after that, his eye started to ooze. Logic took him back to the vet to learn that he has herpes and needed to be on antibiotics.
Well, this last week he started coughing. We took him to the vet yet again and she said the cough wouldn't be related to the other symptoms and its possible that he might have asthma.
As a cat-mama I am stressed out. Would any of this happened if we hadn't brought Mobey home for him?
It makes me sad to write that. Mobey is a wonderful addition to our family and he and George are fast-friends. But I can't help feeling like it's my fault for bringing a sick kitty into the house and making my other cat sick because of it.
Poor Georgie.

Weather Watch

It was a beautiful week but there's a storm heading this way. Unfortunately for me, a dear friend was planning on visiting but might not be able to make it over the pass now. Stupid weather.

Time

"What Sells in a Recession: Canned Goods and Condoms"

Recent Inspiration

Fast Asleep

A good friend recently told me that it's normal for someone who is laid off to be hard on themselves afterward. This pearl of wisdom came after I told her that I felt deserving of my recent lack of employment. Even though that conversation was only 2 days ago, I can honestly say it feels so far in the past.
Last night I had difficulty sleeping, so I laid in bed for hours thinking about my future. You know - the one that is wide open now. I shifted from thinking about my previous job to realizing that I don't want something similar. I had spent all last week looking for the same job with a different name when I could have been focusing on something much more suitable for me.
Regardless of how influential my performance was in my unemployment, I hated my job. It consisted primarily of the type of work I don't enjoy doing. There were statistics for how to do the investigations correctly, statistics for financials, even statistics for the employees' performances. I am not a numbers person.
I like adjectives, emotions, expressing opinions, gaining new insight, creating positive change. My previous job was none of those things.
As soon as I realized that I am truly in a position for creating positive change in my own life, I fell fast asleep.

Suzanne Vega

"A song can benefit from a gorgeous melody or from the distinct absence of one."

~NYT

Good Things That My Former Employer Gave Me:

in list form

- a paycheck, obviously.. and security, but this isn't that kind of list

- a better understanding of computers and software
- a camera (yay to winning the contest in December)
- friends
- a box to bring my belongings home in which doubles as an awesome toy for the cats
- unemployment insurance
- seeing David Sedaris, Lewis Black, John Edwards, David Bach, Matisyahu, David Lynch, T-Bone Burnett, and The Presidents of the United States of America up close.
- a bus pass
- sushi and beer at Umi's
- lots of pizza
- the flexibility to take evening degree courses at UW
- Excel training
- free admission to the EMP, 5th Avenue Theater, a simulated Vegas in the Westin, and the Flight Museum
- loads of free books
- a greater appreciation for Asian style food
- daily access to the internet/IM/email
- dinner at Buca di Beppo's and pool at Jillian's Billiards