7 Days of Snow

I used to have to drug myself when the weather was bad.
Anxiety comes and goes but it often comes when the weather is gloomy and dark. Lately it has been coming less and less and I attribute that to Susan, my therapist.
I have been in therapy for over 3 years now and the last year has been exceptionally good, when I started seeing Susan.
She is my confidante and the little voice inside my head that tells me to "be compassionate" with myself. In the year that I've been seeing her, I have learned so much about who I am and the different ways that my mind operates. With the progress that I've made, I have felt a shift in my soul. It's not even just a shift in my mental state, but myself as a whole. I am discovering who I am, and in doing so, how strong I am.
I have moved around most of my life and transitioned into the person I thought I needed to be when in different surroundings. I got so good at being a chameleon that I lost myself. When life finally slowed down and I lived in a city for more than a year or two I realized that I didn't know who I was or how I should cope with different situations.
One particular situation has been gloomy weather. In the process of stripping away the false layers and discovering who I really am, I stopped relying on the same sources of comfort that I was used to. That made coping with inclement weather or less-than-ideal situations all the more difficult. That allowed for anxiety to creep in.
I used to dream about the day when I wouldn't have anxiety anymore. I thought I would wake up and the clouds would dissipate, leaving me clear-headed and capable of handling anything. And then I realized that was never going to happen. Anxiety isn't something to cure. It is something I would need to learn how to live with and when I finally realized that, I also came to the conclusion that I didn't need to feel anxiety. It was something I could choose.
I have had anxiety since then, but I have also chosen to deal with it in a constructive way. Today, as I watch the snow fall from my living room for the 7th day in a row, I am proud of myself. I have been a "shut-in", as my sister puts it, for a week but instead of allowing that to make me feel claustrophobic I have chosen to view it as an adventure. This is just a storm; just an oddity. And it's a part of my life that I will look back on and say "oh yeah, I was there for that."
I am fully present and finding the fulfillment that comes with experiencing something out of the ordinary: like a crazy, unprecedented storm in Seattle.

The Douche Awards

I was inspired this morning.
As I walked out of my building, I saw a large truck taking up two parking spaces on an already packed street. Just to paint an accurate picture, he was parallel parked, so it had nothing to do with the size (or lack thereof) of his truck. He was just being a douche.
This is a common occurrence on my street and it angers me in a way that it probably shouldn't because it rarely affects me. But I have a hard time understanding how some people can be so blatantly inconsiderate.
This lead me to wonder how I could let people like the truck driver know when they're being total douche's without being confrontational.
There is an artist (whose name eludes me) who used to hand out these amazing business cards that said something like: "Hello, I am black. You may not have known that, which could be why you chose to talk in a way that you didn't realize I would find offensive" when she found herself in a conversation that was racist. She was a black woman with fair skin and was often mistaken for white. You can imagine how uncomfortable she must have been to find herself in conversations where African Americans were talked about negatively. So she decided to hand out those business cards whenever she found herself in a situation where she was mistake for someone who would have been interested in racist dialogue.
I'm not wanting to go quite that far with it. After all, I did say 'without being confrontational' (aka: I'm scared). But maybe I could make up some business cards like this:

Congratulations! You've been
awarded a DOUCHE AWARD.
Due to your recent behavior, the
Douche Committee deemed you worthy of
an award. To see what you've won,
please go to
www.doucheawards.com

(and then I'll set up some bogus website where I can give examples of people being douches.)

What do you think?

In My Head

When I was flying in from Spokane on Sunday I knew we were getting closer to Seattle because clouds started to form below the plane. And then, as quickly as they appeared, we dove head first into them. Since then I’ve tried to visualize that moment whenever the clouds are bugging me because it reminds me that the sun and blue sky are just above all this. The clouds seem less daunting this way and it’s a reminder that just because Seattle is gloomy doesn’t mean the world is. It seems to be helping so far – we’ll see how effective it is in December though.

Advice: Stress

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,
raised a glass of water and asked
"How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight,
but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued,
"And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
we won't be able to carry on. "
"As with the glass of water,
you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.
Don't carry it home.
You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now,
let them down for a moment if you can."
So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.
Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

~ Sent to me by Lilikoi.

Inspiration

I often wake up in the middle of the night with an idea for a post. I go through the entire thing in my head. Writing and re-writing it until I'm happy. At that point, I drift back off to sleep only to wake up and not remember it.
Maybe I should be writing it down?

What I've Learned

Since my anxiety kicked into high gear a year and a half ago, I've been on a quest to "find myself". And as obnoxious as it sounds, I wouldn't change a thing that has happened in that time frame because I have learned so much.
I've learned: that living to make others happy may seem benevolent but is actually torture.
Settling might appear easy but it will take it's toll - just like anything else.
Being honest about who you are - especially to the ones you love the most - is cathartic.
Life isn't about getting all the answers, it's just about living and making the most of it.
I've learned to trust my instincts. If I don't want to do something - I don't do it.
Even after learning all that in the span of 18 months, I have a long way to go. And as I previously stated - I'm not looking for all the answers. I just want to get back to a place where life is fun and every day is exciting.