A Glimpse

I love adventure. I love learning. I love travel.
But a few years ago, something in me switched and the easy-going, free-spirited me shut down and bolted the doors. I can still see out from where I am today, but I am a shriveled lump in the center of my soul. Something scared me and I've been on sick-leave ever since.
So in the meantime, my replacement has taken office. This faux-me still loves all the same things only she has newly formed obstacles that prevent her from doing them without fear and anxiety. A new voice occupies her head. And this voice is menacing. Instructing this faux-me to see things differently. To find fault and aggression where it doesn't exist. And to create tremendous upheaval where there used to be peace.
This last weekend was a perfect example. A trip to Canada would have been a pleasant adventure three years ago but to faux-me it was a relentless tornado of insecurity and fear. Irrational thoughts popped into her head and buried themselves deep into her psyche. Overtaking any trace of contentment, they poked and prodded until hitting the right nerve.
The negative thoughts swirled throughout her entire body; causing turmoil in every inch until finally- finally her body rejected them in the form of vomit. As soon as the venomous words hit the pavement she felt immediate relief. Her head cleared simultaneously with her stomach and she allowed the real me to get a glimpse. A glimpse of the mess she's allowed to control her.
The faux-me will do that occasionally. Tease me with the reality of what life used to be and could still be, had I not tripped that switch. A life of curiosity equaling excitement and a zest for endless opportunities. A strong, witty, defiant me that wouldn't take shit from anyone and mowed past those minuscule antagonizers with a grace that butterflies would envy.