My mom just called to say that she and my dad are driving to Texas to see my grandma. Grandma is back in the hospital for the 2nd time in a month and things are progressively getting worse.
I have never been very close to my mom's mom. She's a fun and sassy woman and she did a damn good job raising my mom and her 6 younger siblings, but my unhappiness today comes mostly from the fact that I can't even imagine what this must be like for my mom.
I have always had a morbid fascination with death. And an over-active imagination. Oh, and I can't forget that inflated empathy. When someone says, "Imagine how that would make you feel" I can honestly say that I do that; sometimes without even wanting to. I've gone through the deaths of all my loved ones. Planning out what it would be like, how I would react and how it would affect my life and the lives of their other loved ones.
I sometimes think this is a defense mechanism, to somehow prepare myself for the inevitable. But this 'talent' tends to get me worked up. And so here I am, getting worked up. Imagining what life would be like without my mom. Or dad, for that matter. From what I've heard, it creates a hole in your heart that is unrepairable. A numbness and loneliness that is never ending. So I try to imagine what that would feel like. That gaping hole in my heart.
Sadly, I doubt this training is going to help in the least when that moment arrives.
4 comments:
I don't know... you really may be on to something. I doubt it would work for everybody, but i can kinda see it.
In fact, when I lost my brother, I remember wishing that I had been a little prepared...but i didn't know what that even meant.
just...interesting.
Imagine..it might be better than that, it might be worse..at least you would have given yourself some inkling. Like syd said..interesting.
I used to do that while my dad was slowly dying. There were nights I wished he would just die in his sleep. I thought I was prepared, I had played out every possible scenario in my head.
Then he died.
It was NOTHING like ANY of my scenarios.
But, I still play scenarios of getting mugged, raped, carjacked, etc. Who knows what that's about!
~C
Believe it or not, I do the same. Hence, my headaches.
I am constantly thinking and preparing mentally for such moments. Back in February, I almost lost my husband and everything I had previously thought about started to become real.
I hope your grandma gets well soon.
Jos
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