I recently met with a doctor who recommended I try to incorporate meat back into my diet. I was a vege for over 4 years and was planning on staying that way. That is over 4 years of "gross" and "ew" running through my head at the thought of steak or even a friendly chicken tender. And now I have to change that to "great" and "phew! I'm hungry"??? I'm up for the challenge, but a challenge it has already shown to be.
I've been sluggish and tired for at least 3 years. Anemia has been my friend. And yet, I convinced myself that it didn't matter if I had type O blood or not. So what if doctors say type O requires a lot of protein and red meats?
I've dealt with narrow-minded people who ask questions like "not even chicken?" and the requisite sigh from friends and family when they realized they had to alter their holiday meal to appease me. I've even worked in restaurants - serving meat of all kinds to people. (heh. "May I recommend the Pollo Rosa Maria? A grilled chicken breast filled with fontina cheese and prosciutto, topped with mushrooms and served in our basil lemon butter sauce. It's one of my favorites.")
Coming home smelling of barbecued steak didn't affect me either. (warning) It was the concept of eating other mammals that bothered me. Just a personal choice. And it was one I stood by for four fucking years! I had so much self-control! I went without dinner on more than one occasion due to the lack of meatless entree options for god's sake! So what does that make this? The decision to change my diet - does that make those four years of sacrifice all for nothing?
Well, it was exactly because of that sacrifice that I previously declined to change my eating habits. Anemic diagnosis or lack of energy be damned! It wasn't until my anxiety revved up and my health became a major concern that I decided to consult a doctor again. I had to face the fact that my body might want this and that it could potentially help me to feel better. I trust my doctor and she suggested I try it ~ just to see if it makes a difference. What do I have to lose? Besides four years of sacrifice (yes, I'm still a little bitter).
So I started this task off slowly. You know: "meat good, meat good" mantras and visualization. But after having a gag-filled panic attack I decided to jump right in.
It's been 3 days and a few entrees of chicken later. I'm still alive! But I don't remember this metallic after-taste? And is it just me or does chicken have a lot of grisle? Maybe I should have started off with another meat? Or maybe I'm just being too picky. Maybe I need to think less and eat more? Any suggestions?
May 30, 2006
Random Happiness
I'm having too much fun with these lists!
After reading( http://aimeeroo.blogspot.com/) I was inspired to come up with my own list of things that make me smile. Here goes:
1) My neices and nephews. Especially when Allison says my name in excitement.
2) The warm sun on my face.
3) The ocean.
4) Spending time with my family.
5) A good/exhausting jog.
6) Witnessing a random act of kindness.
7) Watching "So You Think You Can Dance".
8) When Logic dances.
9) www.dailykitten.com
10) Candy
After reading( http://aimeeroo.blogspot.com/) I was inspired to come up with my own list of things that make me smile. Here goes:
1) My neices and nephews. Especially when Allison says my name in excitement.
2) The warm sun on my face.
3) The ocean.
4) Spending time with my family.
5) A good/exhausting jog.
6) Witnessing a random act of kindness.
7) Watching "So You Think You Can Dance".
8) When Logic dances.
9) www.dailykitten.com
10) Candy
May 29, 2006
The Wedding Part Deux
I've decided to go to Pandora's wedding.
After talking with a friend about my predicament, I was reminded that even though Pandora can be flighty and unstable she has been nothing but a good friend to me. If she decides to be capricious about this too, I will have nothing if not a great story to tell.
If I chose to turn down her request, I would have to face the possibility of hurting her feelings AND risking our friendship. Plus call me crazy, but I guess I want to see what Montana is like now. It's been 8 years since I've been back to the place I lived and I know that my imagination has elaborated a few of the details pertaining to this place. I look forward to going back with a camera and capturing its reality.
Wish me luck.
After talking with a friend about my predicament, I was reminded that even though Pandora can be flighty and unstable she has been nothing but a good friend to me. If she decides to be capricious about this too, I will have nothing if not a great story to tell.
If I chose to turn down her request, I would have to face the possibility of hurting her feelings AND risking our friendship. Plus call me crazy, but I guess I want to see what Montana is like now. It's been 8 years since I've been back to the place I lived and I know that my imagination has elaborated a few of the details pertaining to this place. I look forward to going back with a camera and capturing its reality.
Wish me luck.
May 25, 2006
10 things
Via Karsh. List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'...
1) I wish you had been more nurturing when I was growing up.
2) I hate/love that you expect so much from me. I feel like I need to be my best because of the way you see me.
3) I'm so glad that you're finally starting to see how amazing you are. That you're worth more than a settled life in a town that you don't like with someone that you love but aren't in love with.
4) It is refreshing to see a crack in your tough exterior. You're blossoming into a beautiful, fragile woman and I can't wait to see the great things that await your new self.
5) Get over yourself and appreciate the fact that you were given a chance to live in America with a family that loves you very much.
6) I hope you're making the right decision this time. It is so hard to tell whether you're taking this seriously, or treating this like everything else in your life.
7) I wish we were closer so I could convey how sorry I am that you are sick again. You've taken such good care of my sister and I know that you mean the world to her. A friend of my sister's is a friend of mine. We will both miss you tremendously.
8)You aren't as great as I remember you being. How come I spent so much time wanting to be with you?
9) I'm afraid to see you. Not only do I think you're unstable and vengeful, but your wit is faster than mine and I'm afraid that I won't be able to defend myself if you have harsh things to say.
10) It is amazing to see you as a mommy. My heart swells at the thought of how great you are with your babies.
1) I wish you had been more nurturing when I was growing up.
2) I hate/love that you expect so much from me. I feel like I need to be my best because of the way you see me.
3) I'm so glad that you're finally starting to see how amazing you are. That you're worth more than a settled life in a town that you don't like with someone that you love but aren't in love with.
4) It is refreshing to see a crack in your tough exterior. You're blossoming into a beautiful, fragile woman and I can't wait to see the great things that await your new self.
5) Get over yourself and appreciate the fact that you were given a chance to live in America with a family that loves you very much.
6) I hope you're making the right decision this time. It is so hard to tell whether you're taking this seriously, or treating this like everything else in your life.
7) I wish we were closer so I could convey how sorry I am that you are sick again. You've taken such good care of my sister and I know that you mean the world to her. A friend of my sister's is a friend of mine. We will both miss you tremendously.
8)You aren't as great as I remember you being. How come I spent so much time wanting to be with you?
9) I'm afraid to see you. Not only do I think you're unstable and vengeful, but your wit is faster than mine and I'm afraid that I won't be able to defend myself if you have harsh things to say.
10) It is amazing to see you as a mommy. My heart swells at the thought of how great you are with your babies.
May 22, 2006
Fifty Things About Me
1) I was a vegetarian for over 4 years and recently started eating meat again after discussing my health with a doctor.
2) Growing up, I played basketball, volleyball & softball as well as being statistician for the boys basketball team in junior high and one of the managers to the varsity & jv football team in high school.
3) I am now a bona fide girly-girl. With pink as my favorite color and a fetish for shoes, I can honestly say that I'm the girliest girl I know. And until recently I was ashamed of that.
4) I am a daddy's girl.
5) I am married to my soul-mate.
6) My husband is a cancer survivor.
7) His mother is a cancer survivor.
8) Logic and I joined thousands of other Seattlites to walk the Breast Cancer 3- Day last summer to support his mother.
9) I was rushed to the E.R. for severe dehydration after the first 20 miles. (It completely crushed my spirit.)
10)Logic was one of the first 30 people to cross the finish line 2 days later.
11) I'm looking at the
12) The only way we could afford this view is to buy a one bedroom condo.
13) I have house-fever. But with the way the market is in
14) 14 is my favorite number. As a young girl, my family and I used to attend Tri-City American hockey games and I had a major crush on #14 - Stu Barnes (who now plays professionally for
15) Logic is the world's biggest John Stockton fan; which makes me his second biggest fan by default.
16) Most people who know me would agree that even though I look innocent I will shock the shit out of you when I open my mouth.
17) I think vulgarity (when used properly) can be very sexy.
18) I have the typical girl-tattoo on my lower back - AND I HATE IT!
19) I want more tattoos.
20) I learned that I don't have to stand out to make a statement.
21) I STILL haven't finished college.
22) I'm afraid I never will.
23) I am the youngest of six children.
24) I was raised Catholic.
25) I am not Catholic.
26) I have 2 cats - George and Grace.
27) I carry the tag from my deceased family dog on my keychain.
28) I don't have as much faith in myself as I should.
29) I'm not the only one.
30) I have anxiety.
31) I used to self-medicate myself. After a life-altering panic attack last October, I am now on prescription medication.
32) I rushed to the emergency room, fully convinced that I was going mad.
33) I see a therapist.
34) I am a therapy-thumper. I think everyone can benefit from it.
35) Writing is cathartic for me.
36) I think about moving to another country. Although I haven't traveled nearly as much as I would like, I think that I would enjoy a change of pace and a new environment.
37) In reference to #14 - I once asked him for his hockey stick. He denied my request.
38) I love
39) I would vote for Hillary Clinton. I think she gets a bad reputation for having traits that people admire in men.
40) I wish John McCain wasn't a Republican.
41) I tend to get sick easily and hate that it makes me look weak.
42) I am nervous to put so much of myself out there like this.
43) I apologize for my "bum" comment. Not here to offend.
44) As of yet I have no children (unless you count the kitties). I'm nervous about bringing a child into a world that scares me.
45) My closest sibling is 5 years older than I am. I sometimes feel like I am an only child.
46) I wish I didn't have bad dreams.
47) Logic and I have a "list" of celebrities we'd like to invite into our marriage. My #1 pick - Johnny Depp. His #1 pick - Natalie Portman.
48) I am a Libra.
49) Sometimes I think about moving back to
50) My main goal in life is contentment.
May 19, 2006
The Road to Recovery
Man, what a week it has been.
Logic and I drove down to Onni's house on Friday for her new baby's baptism. We were greeted by the majority of my large family and, overall, it was a nice weekend. We got in some good walks and some quality time with the babies. But throughout the weekend, members of my family started dropping like flies. It started off with Onni, then mom, then almost everyone else. They were healthy one second and vomiting the next. It was the strangest thing.
I returned to work on Tuesday thinking I'd been spared from the dreaded virus just to leave at 10:30 and be hovered over the toilet by 1:00. The next day, I was having severe stomach cramps and eventually went into the E.R. I had multiple vials of blood drawn, an I.V., an ultrasound and a urine test. By 1:3o the next morning, I was diagnosed with Gastritis. I would only wish this on a very select few. It was awful!!
On top of my symptoms, I have a thing about my antecubital space (ie: the inside of the elbow). I hate having it looked at, let alone touched. So when it comes time for an I.V. I am very trepidatious because I know the desire to rip it out will be hard to contain. Luckily, I was able to control myself and kept the I.V. in for the needed 4 hours. Logic and I were home around 2:00 a.m. and I finally got some much needed sleep.
I'm still pretty tired but, after meeting with my doctor this morning, decided to come into work today. What can I say? I'm a glutten for punishment.
Logic and I drove down to Onni's house on Friday for her new baby's baptism. We were greeted by the majority of my large family and, overall, it was a nice weekend. We got in some good walks and some quality time with the babies. But throughout the weekend, members of my family started dropping like flies. It started off with Onni, then mom, then almost everyone else. They were healthy one second and vomiting the next. It was the strangest thing.
I returned to work on Tuesday thinking I'd been spared from the dreaded virus just to leave at 10:30 and be hovered over the toilet by 1:00. The next day, I was having severe stomach cramps and eventually went into the E.R. I had multiple vials of blood drawn, an I.V., an ultrasound and a urine test. By 1:3o the next morning, I was diagnosed with Gastritis. I would only wish this on a very select few. It was awful!!
On top of my symptoms, I have a thing about my antecubital space (ie: the inside of the elbow). I hate having it looked at, let alone touched. So when it comes time for an I.V. I am very trepidatious because I know the desire to rip it out will be hard to contain. Luckily, I was able to control myself and kept the I.V. in for the needed 4 hours. Logic and I were home around 2:00 a.m. and I finally got some much needed sleep.
I'm still pretty tired but, after meeting with my doctor this morning, decided to come into work today. What can I say? I'm a glutten for punishment.
May 11, 2006
The Wedding
The first indication that this wedding might actually take place: the date has been set.
It looks like Pandora has chosen the week of "Fair" to get married. Now, just to give you a little background, Pandora and I met in high school when I wastortured living in Montana. Being the small town that it is, I have many interesting stories about partying in cow pastures and finding great pleasure in the weekend trip to "the big city".
So it shouldn't come as a surprise that "Fair" was/is hugely important. Even 9 years after graduating from high school, I can guarantee you that most alumni will make the trek home for the traditional beer-garden get-together.
This does not bode well for my anxiety. I was already anticipating awkward 'hellos' to a few former friends, but now I will most likely be confronted by all the demons of the past. *
Afterall, I haven't seen most of my former classmates since graduation - and that's how I prefer to keep it. Montana wasn't exactly a place I'd care to revisit. When I was living there I found myself in a deep bed-ridden-with-my-mouth-full-of-food depression. I felt like an outsider (because I was) and even though I adapted to my environment, I was never comfortable around my peers. But that's a whole other blog...
When Pandora told me she was moving back to hell I didn't realize it would ultimately affect me - but as you can see, it currently does.
*This is assuming I choose to go at all.
It looks like Pandora has chosen the week of "Fair" to get married. Now, just to give you a little background, Pandora and I met in high school when I was
So it shouldn't come as a surprise that "Fair" was/is hugely important. Even 9 years after graduating from high school, I can guarantee you that most alumni will make the trek home for the traditional beer-garden get-together.
This does not bode well for my anxiety. I was already anticipating awkward 'hellos' to a few former friends, but now I will most likely be confronted by all the demons of the past. *
Afterall, I haven't seen most of my former classmates since graduation - and that's how I prefer to keep it. Montana wasn't exactly a place I'd care to revisit. When I was living there I found myself in a deep bed-ridden-with-my-mouth-full-of-food depression. I felt like an outsider (because I was) and even though I adapted to my environment, I was never comfortable around my peers. But that's a whole other blog...
When Pandora told me she was moving back to hell I didn't realize it would ultimately affect me - but as you can see, it currently does.
*This is assuming I choose to go at all.
May 10, 2006
5 People
I was reading a post with the question: which 5 people (living or dead) would I invite to dinner? I thought I would elaborate on my page. Thanks Rude Cactus for the idea.
I could be really cheesy and ramble on about how important family is and how I rarely get to spend quality time with them anymore. But come on! That's not interesting! What's interesting is thinking about 5 significant figures who mean something to me, but whom you can also relate to. The object is to think about the conversations that would ensue and how entertaining that would be. I encourage all of you to do the same.
Okay, I'll stop procrastinating and start on my list:
1) Bill Clinton. I've read many stories about him and one thing seems clear - he is a man of charm and wit. I would like to assume he would not only entertain, but educate. He appears to have a vast knowledge and hunger for a wide variety of information. And yet, he appears to be very down-to-earth. I'm sure he'd break out the thesaurus when speaking with big words that I don't understand. And he wouldn't make me feel stupid about it either.
2) Maya Angelou comes to mind as someone I'd like to eat with. Mostly because I consider her book "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" to be one of my favorites. And considering she has her own cookbook - she might be able to help me in the kitchen.
3) John Lennon. Man, I bet that guy has some stories. Assuming he remembers them.... I imagine (ha! "imagine"! get it?) he'd even play with my hair as I sit on his lap. He would tell triumphant stories of the human spirit and we'd all have a good chuckle.
4) For #4 I've decided on my husband. Not that I can't have dinner with him every night of the week - but I choose him because I can't imagine having the kind of night that is sure to unfold without him. I would want him to witness it for himself. That way, when we're old and gray we can sit on our porch swing and laugh about the braids that John put in my hair.
5) This last one has been lingering in the back of my mind. Should I say it? Should I not? But I've decided that I will NOT be ashamed of my choice. And (drumroll please) #5 goes to: Johnny Depp. Now before you roll your eyes, hear me out. He has persevered through the tirades of Hollywood without selling his soul and is leading a life that he seems to be proud of. Okay fine, I didn't expect you to buy that lame excuse anyway. I admit it. I just want to look at him. Is that so wrong?
I could be really cheesy and ramble on about how important family is and how I rarely get to spend quality time with them anymore. But come on! That's not interesting! What's interesting is thinking about 5 significant figures who mean something to me, but whom you can also relate to. The object is to think about the conversations that would ensue and how entertaining that would be. I encourage all of you to do the same.
Okay, I'll stop procrastinating and start on my list:
1) Bill Clinton. I've read many stories about him and one thing seems clear - he is a man of charm and wit. I would like to assume he would not only entertain, but educate. He appears to have a vast knowledge and hunger for a wide variety of information. And yet, he appears to be very down-to-earth. I'm sure he'd break out the thesaurus when speaking with big words that I don't understand. And he wouldn't make me feel stupid about it either.
2) Maya Angelou comes to mind as someone I'd like to eat with. Mostly because I consider her book "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" to be one of my favorites. And considering she has her own cookbook - she might be able to help me in the kitchen.
3) John Lennon. Man, I bet that guy has some stories. Assuming he remembers them.... I imagine (ha! "imagine"! get it?) he'd even play with my hair as I sit on his lap. He would tell triumphant stories of the human spirit and we'd all have a good chuckle.
4) For #4 I've decided on my husband. Not that I can't have dinner with him every night of the week - but I choose him because I can't imagine having the kind of night that is sure to unfold without him. I would want him to witness it for himself. That way, when we're old and gray we can sit on our porch swing and laugh about the braids that John put in my hair.
5) This last one has been lingering in the back of my mind. Should I say it? Should I not? But I've decided that I will NOT be ashamed of my choice. And (drumroll please) #5 goes to: Johnny Depp. Now before you roll your eyes, hear me out. He has persevered through the tirades of Hollywood without selling his soul and is leading a life that he seems to be proud of. Okay fine, I didn't expect you to buy that lame excuse anyway. I admit it. I just want to look at him. Is that so wrong?
May 08, 2006
Jobdango
How ironic that a bum would choose to steal a jobdango sign in order to beg for food. Don't you think? That is the sight Logic and I drove into downtown with this morning.
May 05, 2006
What the Hell Happened to Me?
There was nothing unusual about my morning. I crawled out of bed, stumbled through the morning routine and rushed to get to the car by 7. I got to my office building around 7:30 and this is where my day gets interesting. There were 2 men on the elevator with me. One hit the button for the 4th floor and the other was hitching a ride with me to the 11th. I remember the elevator door opening at the 4th floor and the next thing I know, I'm back on the 1st. What happened between the 4th and the 1st is a complete mystery to me.
I remember thinking about what I'd do this afternoon. Whether I'd leave early and look for a new skirt, or try to work until 5:00. But I can't understand why I was oblivious to everything else. I wonder what the other gentleman thought/did when he reached the 11th floor and got off without me? Especially since the 11th floor is the penthouse of this building. There was no where else for me to go. Did he try to gesture to me - indicating that we'd reached out destination? Did he forget I was there and rush off the elevator in a hurry to get the day over with?
As I reached the 1st floor I jolted back to reality. It was very confusing and I took a second to try and figure out what had just happened. Coming to the conclusion that I had blacked out, I quickly hit the button for the 11th floor again - making sure the elevator didn't open on the 1st and expose the fact that I rode down the elevator just to ride back up.
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before and I am completely freaked out by it.
The only optimistic reassurance I can find comfort in is that I was in a safe place. What if something like this had happened to me while I was walking through downtown? Would I have walked right into a busy intersection?
I remember thinking about what I'd do this afternoon. Whether I'd leave early and look for a new skirt, or try to work until 5:00. But I can't understand why I was oblivious to everything else. I wonder what the other gentleman thought/did when he reached the 11th floor and got off without me? Especially since the 11th floor is the penthouse of this building. There was no where else for me to go. Did he try to gesture to me - indicating that we'd reached out destination? Did he forget I was there and rush off the elevator in a hurry to get the day over with?
As I reached the 1st floor I jolted back to reality. It was very confusing and I took a second to try and figure out what had just happened. Coming to the conclusion that I had blacked out, I quickly hit the button for the 11th floor again - making sure the elevator didn't open on the 1st and expose the fact that I rode down the elevator just to ride back up.
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before and I am completely freaked out by it.
The only optimistic reassurance I can find comfort in is that I was in a safe place. What if something like this had happened to me while I was walking through downtown? Would I have walked right into a busy intersection?
May 04, 2006
Child Labor
As you can see, my neice fell asleep after hours of laundry. Onni, I'm keeping track - don't think you can get away with treating your daughter like this.
May 03, 2006
Any ideas?
So I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with this blog. Do I want to pour my heart out? Talk about current affairs? Dish about friends & family? There are so many options and so few ways to convey them all in a concise way.
I have a hard time wanting to use this as a public diary. I'm learning that I like to keep a few secrets to myself. As much as I would like to release any pending anxiety, exposing myself on such an accessible forum could make me feel too vulnerable.
Current affairs are fun and all, but I don't think I'll find a lot of satisfaction writing about Moussaoui and gas prices. Plus I think there's a fine line between having a socially conscious voice and giving a pompous speech.
So that leaves me with the option of dishing about family and friends. As much as I enjoy good gossip, I can't exactly lay it all out when the majority of my readers are, in fact, my friends and family. ;)
Another alternative that just popped into my head would be to use this as a way to exercise my creative muscles and elaborate on the daydreams that occupy my mind.
Any suggestions?
I have a hard time wanting to use this as a public diary. I'm learning that I like to keep a few secrets to myself. As much as I would like to release any pending anxiety, exposing myself on such an accessible forum could make me feel too vulnerable.
Current affairs are fun and all, but I don't think I'll find a lot of satisfaction writing about Moussaoui and gas prices. Plus I think there's a fine line between having a socially conscious voice and giving a pompous speech.
So that leaves me with the option of dishing about family and friends. As much as I enjoy good gossip, I can't exactly lay it all out when the majority of my readers are, in fact, my friends and family. ;)
Another alternative that just popped into my head would be to use this as a way to exercise my creative muscles and elaborate on the daydreams that occupy my mind.
Any suggestions?
Pandora
I received a phone call from Pandora last night. For those of you who don't know her story: she's the sweetest, truest friend with a history of creating drama for herself. We've known each other for nearly 10 years and in those years I can honestly say I've never had a dull moment with her. We've been known to jump into unlocked cars in parking lots for a good picture or break into an apartment complex's swimming pool to skinny-dip. These are just a few examples of a girl who craves excitement at every turn. Unfortunately, this often puts her in compromising situations that lead to hasty decisions.
The latest is a doozy. She recently started a relationship with her ex's friend and, after 4 months of dating, is now engaged and pregnant. She has asked me to be her one-and-only bridesmaid and I find myself dubiously preparing for a trip to Montana.
Stay posted for ensuing drama...
The latest is a doozy. She recently started a relationship with her ex's friend and, after 4 months of dating, is now engaged and pregnant. She has asked me to be her one-and-only bridesmaid and I find myself dubiously preparing for a trip to Montana.
Stay posted for ensuing drama...
May 02, 2006
Gold Creek Trail
Last weekend Logic (ie husband) and I went hiking outside of Bremerton. It was a hazy afternoon so our pictures aren't as crisp as I would have liked, but the weather was ideal.
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