Kinlie

When I was 12 I got a phone call that excused me from class. I walked back into the room 5 minutes later as an aunt. Soon after the phone call my family packed up the car and drove from Oregon to Idaho to see my sister and the new addition. A few years later I was invited to spend the summer with my sister so that I could help her with that addition plus a newer one. I eagerly packed up all the important things in my life (at age 14 that consisted of clothes and more clothes) and anxiously waved goodbye to my nagging, overbearing, and strict parents for the good life with my sister. The good life at that time meant freedom to watch MTV and stay up late. Unfortunately for my nieces, that did not make me the best babysitter. I am very sorry for that.
Despite the lack of quality time that I retrospectively spent with Kinlie and Hanna, I remember those summers fondly. My sister is 14 years my senior which made me closer in age to my nieces. Since I had desperately wanted a younger sibling, those girls answered the wish upon a star that I made as a little girl.
Until I graduated from High School, I spent every summer with them. Again, I neglected to take complete advantage of the opportunity, but I have forgiven myself for 'acting like a teenager' and see those times as irreplaceable. When I finally moved out on my own I truly missed the company of my 'little sisters'.
I pestered my oldest sister constantly to get permission for Kinlie and Hanna to come and spend a summer with me. She was hesitant for many relevant reasons: my pot smoking habit, my lack of concern over maintaining their innocence, my constant use of explitives, etc. So when she finally agreed to have Kinlie come visit me this summer, I was elated.
Despite her permission, I waited for something to fall through but it didn't. A few weeks ago my husband and I drove to Montana to witness Kinlie's graduation from high school and drove back to Seattle with her in tow. Over the next eight days we maximized usage of our time.
To summarize:
-Alki
-Greenlake
-Visiting Tom and introducing Kinlie to her cousin, Klaire
-Space Needle
-Monorail
-Downtown shopping
-UW Campus walk plus a trip to the Art Supply section of the bookstore
-Bainbridge Island and a Ferry Boat trip
-More shopping
-Pike's Place Market
-The Seattle Art Museum
-more shopping
-Kayaking on Lake Union
-tennis at Alki
-AND introducing Kin to 9 of our favorite movies.
Those eight days flew by.
We had such a great time hanging out and re-learning about each other. I spent some time showing her how to cook pad thai, edimame, poached chicken, clean and prepare shrimp, and to make "The Freeman Special" (mac and cheese with a side salad for nutritional value). She tried sushi for the first time, confronted her fear of heights at the Space Needle, and got artistic with canvases and a new pair of Converse shoes. We ganged up on my husband, sang in the car, and laughed a lot.
I expected Kinlie to sleep in until noon everyday, but she was up and ready to seize the day when the sun rose. It gave us a chance to fit everything in, but it was sure exhausting! By the time I guided her through airport security and said goodbye to her I was ready to have some "Amaya-Time". So I was a little surprised to find myself tearing up.
As I mentioned earlier, I had always wished for a little sister and found two in my nieces. Having wasted most of my previous time with them watching MTV, I had hoped to get a second chance and some quality time with one of my girls - and I finally did! I thought about that as I hugged Kinlie at the airport and tears swelled in my eyes. I finally got to acknowledge how important she is to me by clearing my schedule and devoting eight full days to her. And it was over: She was going home.

Our Family

We lost Gracie a few months ago. She rapidly lost weight and struggled for three weeks with Liver Disease before we did what was humane and right. But it was not easy.
We suffered as she became a figment of our imagination - showing up for a fraction of a second in the bedroom or on her favorite chair.
Our favorite "Gracie Songs" were started and halted in mid-sentence.
Her much-loved toys lied untouched.
It was especially hard to see her in the face of her brother.The two of them looked so much alike that we would sometimes mistake him for her. He stood as a testimony to her in his appearance and the toys that couldn't be boxed up and donated. He was still with us. He still needed our affection. And he was hurting as much as we were.
We wanted to give Georgie time to mourn but as the weeks passed, it became more and more evident that he was miserable. He would roam the house at night, looking for his sister and making the most heart-wrenching meowing noises that a cat-parent could hear.
I started to toy with the idea of getting him a friend but Logic was steadfast in his belief that if we did it too soon it would be like replacing Gracie. I agreed but watched my remaining cat slide deeper and deeper into despair.
I tried to give Logic some space - I didn't want him to feel forced into the idea, but whenever the topic came up I was eager to express my concern for George. It wasn't until two weeks ago that Logic came around.
We were coming home from work and could hear George's guttural moaning from downstairs. As we opened the door, he made a run for it. Luckily, we live in a building without outside access to our unit so George only made it as far as the hallway, but it was heart-breaking to see our favorite little guy be so desperate to get away.
Two days later (I'd been preparing for this and had done quite a bit of research), we went to my favorite shelter and picked up a new friend for our George. It has taken a week of integration - following guidelines in many different books and from our Vet - but today we left the boys unsupervised and free to roam the entire house together.
Since picking up Mobey last week, George has been a little hesitant, which is to be expected. We have made every effort to show him that Mobey isn't replacing him and have tried to give him the space to cope with this new bundle of energy. But even in the rare moments of discontent when Mobey gets a little too close or moves a little too quickly, we haven't heard any guttural moaning or heart-wrenching meows. George is quickly warming up to his new friend.
And even though Logic had to stop himself mid-sentence while singing his favorite "Gracie Song" yesterday, we are now on the slow road to recovery.
Thanks Mobey.

It Really is Real

A while back I wrote about my brother, Tom, telling me that his girlfriend was pregnant. He typically "lies" to me so I refused to believe him. At the baby shower, Bonnie appeared to have a belly-bump but I still was not convinced.I upped the ante and insisted on seeing the actual baby before I would believe it.
Well, last night I met Klaire and she is very real.
Tom called me at 4:00 to tell me that Bonnie was at the hospital having heavy contractions and then again at 6:30 to tell me that 'he had a Klaire'.
Logic and I rushed over to Ballard and were greeted by a 5 lb, 12 oz. bundle who immediately stole my heart.
My brother is officially a daddy and I am, again, an aunt.
Having been through this before, you would think that I have grown accustomed to how this works but every single time that I get to hold a new member of my family, I am reminded of what a gift it truly is.
I haven't held Klaire in roughly 14 hours and my heart hurts. I loathe work on a normal day but today it is exponentially worse.

Kihl and His Baby Mama

A few months back I mentioned how my brother, Kihl, told me that he was going to be a dad and how I thought he was just fucking with me like he always does. Then a few factors came into play that lead me to believe that he may have been telling the truth. 1) My sister called and spoke with such a high pitch that I couldn't understand her but after calming her down, I discovered that Kihl told her that his girlfriend was pregnant and that I was the only other person who knew. 2)About a month after that I got a phone call from my parents, who also were so excited that it was hard to understand them. But I was still trepidatious because afterall, it was Kihl.
But today I sit with invitation in hand, waiting in anticipation for this afternoon when I am going to Kihl's house for a bbq and actually SEEING his girlfriend. This will be the defining moment.
I'll keep you posted...

Learning From My Cousin

Andy and Eric drove back into the city Friday afternoon. After a week of camping they chose to park at the south end of the city and walk through downtown to meet Logic and I at the north end for dinner. After dinner the four of us walked back to the south end for a Mariner's game (which totally kicked ass by the way).
The next morning Andy and Eric accompanied me to the gym where they took their very first yoga class. We got to the gym about 45 minutes before yoga and Eric decided he wanted to run on the treadmill but Andy agreed to sneak into my favorite Hip Hop class with me. We'd already missed 2 out of the 3 sections but someone was nice enough to catch us up in time to dance the whole thing through. Andy was holding his own, especially for someone who'd never taken the class before. I stopped a few times to encourage him and see how he was doing even though I knew - he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. After telling me how much fun he was having, Andy got serious for a second. "This is so far out of my comfort zone; and I am loving it!"
As soon as he said it, I knew how important it was for me to remember that. He and Eric flew across the country with sleeping bags and tents. They picked up a rental car at the airport and let the wind lead them around the state. They hiked 20 miles to a campsite, swam in hot springs, met some interesting people and journaled the whole trip through writing and pictures. They were in their element and living to seek new experiences. It was invigorating to watch.
Here I am, living in my condo in a safe part of Seattle and I have panic attacks over the weather, the course of my life, the death of my family and my short-comings while all along there have been people out there who just live. And love it.
Also, I learned that you can eat instant oatmeal out of the packet.
My cousin is very smart.

I Need a Weekend to Recuperate From My Weekend - and So Will You After You Finish Reading This

After work on Friday, I met up with Logic and some of his co-workers at Taphouse for a birthday party. There must have been at least 20 people that showed up and we managed to find 2 large booths next to each other. It was chaotic, loud, and fun; just what any 23 year old wants out of a birthday. We stayed until 10:00 and I was still wide awake when we got home so I watched t.v. until midnight and before convincing myself that sleep was required.

When I woke up on Saturday it was too late for my Hip-Hop class but I still had time to make 11:30 Yoga. I hadn't been in over a month and it took some serious self-discipline to get off my ass and go there but I'm so glad I went. I have yet to find anything that compares to the way I feel after a good yoga class.

After class I had to run some errands so I didn't get home until 4:00. I had three hours to get ready for Lach and Bayou's housewarming party so the first thing I did was lie on the couch. At 6:00 I decided that I should probably shower before we left ( ;)). A half hour later Logic came into the bathroom to tell me I missed a phone call. So I checked my messages and it was my cousin Andy from Michigan.

He had contacted me earlier in the week to tell me that he and his friend, Eric were going to be in Washington. They were taking a ten-day camping trip through the Cascades and Olympics and figured they'd be in Seattle early next week. Well, after three days in the Cascades they decided they'd seen enough and were driving into the city. They wanted suggestions for a good bar and we ended up meeting them at Pike's Place Pub and Brewery later that night. But first we drove over to Lachlan and Bayou's and spent some quality time with twenty of their closest friends.

By the time Andy and Eric reached Seattle it was after 10. When they called and asked if we wanted to meet up with them downtown I thought we'd say hi and head home. Wrong! We ended up staying there until midnight and then bringing the party back to our place. Toward the end of the night I asked where they were staying and they both went silent. We offered to let them crash on our floor and they were adamant that they didn't want to impose. Their plan was to continue driving until they reached the coast and then to sleep in their rental car but Logic and I insisted they stay with us (boy did they trick us into thinking it was our idea ;)). We were all exhausted but we still managed to stay up until 2 am talking! Finally, the conversation started to slow down and I suggested we get some sleep.

After rubbing the sleep out of our eyes, we went to Alki Cafe for breakfast on Sunday morning. It was a beautiful day so we took the guys on a walk around Alki Point before heading back to the condo so they could take a quick nap before hitting the road. They left around 1, which gave Logic and I just enough time to shower before driving over to Daniel's. We met up with Daniel and Ishmael and then walked over to McCormick's for a quick drink before setting sail on an Argosy Lakes Cruise around Lakes Union and Washington. It was the perfect weather! The sun was high in the sky and the breeze off the water was just enough to cool us down. The cruise lasted about 2 hours (not a three hour tour) and turned out to be very educational and entertaining (insert booze cruise).

We docked around 5:00 and walked across the street to Buca di Beppo's for dinner. I ate myself into a food coma and was ready to head home but the boys wanted to play the wii so we drove over to Ishmael's. I crashed on his couch while the boys played. I was so tired that I didn't even care whether or not I snored in the midst of their game playing. I woke up at 8:30 and suggested that Logic and I go home. We walked through the door, exhausted, around 9 but I didn't get to bed until 10:30 because a friend called to finalize her plans to visit at the end of the month.

It looks like Justin and I may have a few days to recover but if this week is anything like last, we'll have spontaneous phone calls from out of town friends and relatives and not get much rest at all. I sure hope we get a break though. Andy and Eric will be coming back on Friday and staying the night before flying back to Michigan on Saturday evening. When they get back on Friday we'll be meeting up with them for dinner and a Mariner's game. And before their flight on Saturday night, we'll also be showing them around the city. They seemed interested in going to the Space Needle and seeing Doc's Underground Tour and I'm guessing there will be some more drinking involved. Yes, I will definitely need to recuperate before they come back.

Feet

I recently discovered that my niece is an artist. Her mom had been bragging for years that she was really good, but I chalked that up as maternal pride. Then I saw some of her sketches.
Ever since I laid eyes on her first sketch a few months back, I've been begging her to send me more. This morning I got my wish and I just had to share.
I'm swelling with pride right now. Oh yeah, did I mention she's 17?

Father's Day

No More Roseburg

With George needing his antibiotics twice a day for two weeks, Logic and I won't be able to drive down to Roseburg for a four day weekend as we'd originally planned.
We haven't been to Roseburg since Christmas, so it would have been nice to see his family but at the same time, I'm relieved that it didn't work out.
We would have driven 6 hours home on Tuesday only for me to turn around and fly to Michigan on Wednesday. And with the anxiety-filled weekend I just finished, I think I might need some down time before my big trip.
I wish I didn't get like this. When I'm not in the puddle of anxiety that sometimes surrounds me, I can't even remember what it was like, but as I'm wading through the muddy waters, it's as if it never ends. I can't recall what it feels like to not be anxious.
With Roseburg aside, my next dilemma presents itself: what am I going to do with 4 days off this weekend? Sometimes too much is just as bad as not enough free time. It gives me time to really sink into the anxiety in a way I wouldn't have time for otherwise.

Being a Mom

Logic and I occasionally talk about having kids. Sometimes it will come up after we spend time with our family and other times it is when we see a real brat in a restaurant. The first scenario leads us to think that we might want them, the second has the opposite effect. But whenever we have 'the talk' we both agree that we'd be screwed if children really are like their parents. Logic was a difficult child and I was a handful as a teen. Put those together and we'd have one helluva nightmare on our hands.
But with Mother's Day tomorrow, and the recent death of my Grandma, I can't help but admire the women in my life and think there might just be enough of a reward to outweigh the difficulties that come with being a mom.
Take my relationship with my mom, for example. As I previously stated, I was a handful as a teenager. I was mad for having to move to Montana during my Sophomore year of high school, among other things, and I chose to focus all of that anger on my mom. After taking a particularly brutal assault, she suggested that maybe I was taking all of my agression out on her because I knew that no matter what I said, she would still love me. I wouldn't admit it at the time, but she was right. And the next few years of our cohabitation would prove just how strong her love was. I would yell and scream and insult her every chance I got and her love for me never waivered.
Shortly after my 18th birthday I moved out. Amid tears and hurt feelings, my parents were supportive of my decision. And to my surprise, I spent more time at home than I did when I lived there. It was the beginning of a new phase in my relationship with my mom.
Of course, after moving out from the comforts of home, I started to see all the little things that my mom had done without acknowledgement for all those years.
I started to see her in a new light. She was not just my mother anymore, but this amazing woman who made unlimited sacrifices and had an all-encompassing heart.
Living on my own was quite an awakening in many respects but there was one particular factor that changed our relationship completely. That factor was anxiety.
When I started having panic attacks, there was nothing my mom could do to help. For the first time in my life, I had to take care of something on my own. As hard as it was for me, I think it was even harder for my mom. Her faith gave her all the comfort and support she needed and she couldn't relate to my ambivalence for it. She wanted to pray with me and try to resolve my fears through religion. And while I wish it could have been as easy as kneeling down and doing some serious praying, her answers were not mine.
I had to find alternate ways to solve my problems. Prayer was eventually replaced with meditation and instead of church, I found my weekly comfort in yoga. Even though my mom could see that I was finding comfort in these new forms of spirituality, she had a hard time understanding how those answers could be any better than her own. It was scary and exhausting for both of us, but in my search for new resolutions we've learned a lot about each other.
I can't pinpoint when it was that I finally started to appreciate all that my mom has done for me, but I know that I haven't even come close to understanding her love in all its capacity. As I look back on the last few years, all the anxiety and fear has been worth it if for no other reason than to bring us closer.
Ten years after all the fighting and even some hair pulling, I am so proud of the progress we've made. And should I ever decide to be a mom, I know that I'll do just fine. Mine set a pretty great example.

One of Those Weeks

Sometimes it's as if time gives me a break just so it can shove a year's worth of crap in my face all at once. Last week was typical: gym, school, Justin, home, work. But this week will be slightly different. Tomorrow I have school, like usual, but Friday is where things get tricky.
Logic will be driving me to the airport early Friday morning and I'll fly out to Dallas to say my goodbyes to an ailing Grandpa while simultaneously hugging my mom and loving my sisters. On top of that, I'll be catching up with a brother that I haven't seen in five fucking years! (way too long) and his family.
Everyone will scatter back home three or four days later, except for me. You see, before my Grandpa had a stroke, I'd booked a trip to Vegas. The option of canceling presented itself but I'm figuring a few days in the sun might be just what I need after a tumultuous weekend. Logic will be flying into Sin City on Monday and spending the day with our friends but I won't arrive until Tuesday (ticket pricing, you know). Tuesday through Thursday will hopefully consist of a few drinks and a lot of pool-time. Then I fly home just in time to attend classes on the 21st.
Here's hoping the week after will be back to normal.

Knock, Knock

Who's there?
It's me! Can you believe it!?!
I realize I've been phoning it in lately but I'm going to use the old tried-and-true school excuse.
Right now all my creative juices are being used to sound smart and witty in the classroom and there hasn't been any left over for this blog. So in honor of those juices that need to be reserved for academic purposes I am going to randomly write out the ideas swirling around in my noggin.
-Cable is the devil. Logic and I upgraded to the premium package and now have too much t.v. Between Orangutan Island, DIY, Sex in Independent Film (which was a little too graphic for my taste, actually), karaoke and even a yoga channel, I feel my soul depleting every time I hit the 'on' button.
-Vegas can't come soon enough; I haven't seen the sun in about 4 days now. February in the NW is a dirty bitch and I will be so glad to have a respite from it.
-It's amazing what a difference music makes during my work-outs. This morning I was struggling on the elliptical. I just wasn't feelin' it. But then (yeah, I'll admit it) Britney's "Break the Ice" came on and I was off and running. I get mesmerized by the beats and find my feet trying to stay in time.
-Every time I use a semi-colon ^(ex: "enough; I haven't") I hear Kurt Vonnegut in my head: "If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. But do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college."
-My mom buys me a calendar every year for my cube. This year's is Live With Intention and the quote for the month is: "At first glance I loved you with a thousand hearts". It makes me smile and miss her every time I see it.

It's a Scary, Scary World Out There

So my niece plays hockey on a guy's team and a girl's team. The coach for the guy's team has recently been texting and IMing her on a regular basis; even while he's at work. She's 17, he's in his 40s with a wife and kids. Doesn't this sound like the beginning of an After School Special to you? (Do they even do those anymore?)
My sister is really great with her daughters and had a talk with my niece about how her coach's behavior is inappropriate. My niece said "okay" and that she'd tell him that her parents didn't want him doing that anymore. When I talked to my sister, I suggested she make a formal visit to see him. Just so he knows that she's aware of what's going on and that she's watching him.
It is for reasons exactly like this that I second-guess the thought of ever having kids.

A busy weekend leads to a dragging Amaya

I'm having the hardest time getting through this week and I blame Logic's sister for that. She drove up from Oregon last weekend to see us and we took her through the city. On Saturday we drove up to Capitol Hill to see the Asian Art Museum (whoops. no picture of that) at Volunteer Park and then walked down to the arboretum

to see some flowers

in the middle of January. We also climbed a shitload of stairs to an observation deck that overlooked downtown.

After that, we went to La Rustica for the best Italian food in the city and finished the night off with some wine and Scrabble.
On Sunday we drove downtown and walked through the Market

before drinking the afternoon away in the Purple Cafe.


The whole weekend was really great, but damn I'm tired!

I Carry Your Heart (I Carry It In My Heart)

I watched the movie In Her Shoes yesterday. I went into it with some trepidation because Cameron Diaz can make or break a film. But Toni Collette and Shirley MacLaine prompted me to watch it anyway.
It starts out with a younger sister and an older sister in their same old rut. The younger, Cameron, is irresponsible and the older, Toni, takes care of her. But Cameron's character finally goes too far and Toni forces her out. It's a story of what it's like to be a sister. Loving, hating, fighting, hating some more, growing apart and then growing up.
There is one scene in particular that stood out for me and made me think of my sister, Paige. She and I have had our ups and downs. Lots of loving, hating, fighting, hating.... and I think we've finally reached a plateau. A place where we have accepted each other for who we are and also loved each other for that. I'm sure our relationship will continue to change but this poem will always sum it up:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

by E.E. Cummings

I love you Sister!

The Cycle of Life - No Longer Living at Home

They swept into town last Friday and immediately cocooned me with comfort, familiarity, faith and unconditional love. There were many walks, home cooked meals, hugs, back-scratches and teasing. We watched movies (Freedom Writers, Becoming Jane), did some shopping (Dwell in Possibilities Calendar, Panasonic Linex FZ18- from Logic), indulged in dessert (cream puffs, confetti cake, apple pie) and framed some of my pictures for their house.
They will leave tomorrow and I will not see them again for months.
I miss them already.

Happy Birthday Kinlie

My niece turned 17 today. It's like she's a real-live-person with memories and thoughts. And it freaks me out. When did she stop being "my niece" and start being a real person?
She is a manager of the Varsity volleyball team at her high school and will be spending today plus 2 more days in Great Falls with the team. Having learned that over the weekend, I called last night to wish her a happy birthday. Surprisingly, she was home so I actually got to talk to her. In fact, we talked for over 30 minutes. I think that's more than I talked to her when I used to stay over for the summer years back. It felt like an adult conversation. I gave advice, she gave her opinions, we made fun of each other. It was really great. And it made me miss her even more.

It's Hereditary

My mom likes to think I get my photographic talent from her.
This is her attempt to snap a picture of my sister and my uncle. My aunt is supposed to be in the picture too.. you can see a sliver of her shirt.
She is an abstract revolutionary.

Withdrawls

As I've stated before, my Dad and I email each other throughout the workweek. He is newly retired and I am loathing my job in front of a computer all day. I think he initiated it but we've gone back and forth for nearly a year now and he never seizes to brighten my day.
One glitch in our perfect system is when he goes on vacation. Having a good grasp of email, but not a great one, he hasn't set up a personal email account outside of his Outlook. This prevents him from being able to access his email when he's away from his computer. Which means that our communication stops for however long he's gone.
Since it has been a part of my day for so long now, I have a really hard time without our correspondence. My days seem longer. I laugh less. It's very sad, really.
It's been 2 days into his 3 week vacation and I'm starting to go through withdrawls. My mouse instinctually gravitates toward my inbox and I've already harrassed all my friends with multiple emails.
What the next few weeks will be like, I'm not sure. But I do know that when my Dad returns and I start getting emails from him again, I am going to be so happy!

Letter from Allison

Paige transcribed an email today from my neice, Allison to me:

Allison to Auntie Amaya,

I miss you. I love you! I love Auntie Amaya!

Come visit me.

I love you.

Come play with me. I painted my nails. Mommy painted my toenails.

I painted Mommy’s fingernails.

Love, Allison