Good Investment

I just stumbled across this article and was inspired to share it.
It just seems kind of ironic that Sheehan would buy the property with the money she received from her son's death. I can't think of a better way to spend it.

The Wedding - Installment Three

It's only two days before the trip to MT and I'm actually looking forward to it. There were quite a few contributing factors that lead me to this zenlike place and I feel like I walked through the desert to get here.
I guess I had to freak out in order to relax. My mind requires me to go through every possible scenario of what could potentially happen before it allows me to get over it. So I did that for a few weeks and it was exhausting. I had to remind myself that this trip was probably going to be more normal that I expect. I have some unpleasant memories of Lewistown, but it took me 3 years to accumulate those memories - not 3 days.
It also helped to hear about Lach & Bayou's trip to Deer Lodge a few weeks ago. Hearing them talk about the slower-paced lifestyle reminded me that I'm going to a place where there will be no horns honking or pedestrial fatalities. Almost like going back in time, I'm visiting a place without cell phones and wi-fi coffee shops. If need be, I can neglect everything going on around me and just BE. With 5 mountain ranges surrounding the town, I see myself reflecting a lot. And I look forward to it.

Mr. J.T. What You Got For Me?

When Britney and Justin broke up it was inevitable that sides be chosen.
Since I saw Britney as nothing more than a lucky semi-talent, I immediately sided with Justin. And when he came out with a solo effort in 2002 I could hardly wait to hear it. I remember sitting on the floor of my apartment watching the MTV awards when "Like I Love You" debuted. What a great song! And an even better performance.
Okay, now I'm starting to sound kinda scary... so instead of rambling on about my undying love for J.T.'s dance moves, I'm going to segue into his new single "Sexy Back." It debuted on MTV today and I thought I'd add a link in case anyone was interested.

Was That Invention Really Necessary?

I was at the in-laws over the weekend and shortly after arriving on Friday, Logic broke one of their chairs! To be fair - he was trying to share a fabric-director's chair with a cat and the material tore when he was putting all his weight on the front of the chair.
After that incident everyone chipped in with a few weight jokes. It was funny but I can guarantee that if it were me, I'd be mortified. I think he might have been embarrassed by it, but he did a good job of hiding it.
After a few more weighty jabs, he recommended we all place bets on his weight and he'd go measure. Turns out he weighed less than everyone thought (except me, I was dead-on). Unfortunately, I got caught up in the excitement (what excitement? you ask) and decided to weigh myself. I don't know where my common sense went, because I don't like to rely on a scale. I find that they're often inaccurate and quite harmful to one's self-esteem. But alas, I went and weighed myself. Needless to say I was upset with the results.
According to the standard - I am normal for my height/weight but the reason I'm so disappointed is because I've been working really hard lately to get into shape. Weight aside, I felt frustrated.
My defense mechinism tried to convince myself that it's because muscle weighs more than fat, but regardless - I didn't think I had THAT much muscle, if you know what I mean.
What I want to know is who's invented the scale? And why do they differentiate so much? Damn scales!

Unintentional Publicity

When Joel Seigel walked out of the theater during the premiere of Clerks II I doubt he realized that his little stunt would give Kevin Smith so much publicity.
Makes me want to see the movie even more now.

Lost in Translation

Lach and I just went for a walk over to the local Asian grocer to get a bit of a break from our full time job of stopping fraud. What started out as a harmless break turned into a post.
I consider myself to be pretty open-minded and try to be understanding of others. I don't expect everyone to have English as their first language - especially in the Internation District of Seattle, so this post is in no way a stab at other cultures. Before I get too far into my argument I guess I should set the scene.
I picked up 2 fuji apples and an Odwalla mo'beta shake. Lach had a salad and tea. I was first in line and as I was paying for my food I asked the cashier for cashback. a $5 and 5 $1's. The woman behind the counter nods and says, "yeah". Then proceeds to give me a $10. Now normally I'd let that slide but I needed the smaller change for a tip I intend to give later in the day. So I stop the woman before she starts ringing Lachlan up. I say, "I'm sorry, I asked for a $5 and 5 $1's."
Cashier: "oh, yeah." She then opens the register back up and gives me 2 $5!
Me: "Okay, I need $5 and 5 $1's."
Cashier: "oh, yeah." and then she counts to five on her fingers.
I nod in approval and watch as she opens the till back up and counts out 5 $1s.
By the time she gives me the correct change Lach has cashed out and we are finally able to leave. But I can't help feeling irritated. Not because she didn't understand me; I was more than happy to help her. It was that she acted like she was listening and wasn't. 2 TIMES!

Musical Taste

I think musical taste is almost as touchy a subject as politics. Everyone's taste varies and there's no way to sway someone on their likes and dislikes. So I go into this blog hesitantly.
I recently talked about launchcast.com and how much I love it. Well today I announce that I'll sporadically mention new videos that I like. (wait, pretty sure I did that in the launchcast post, oh well. get used to it.)
I just watched the new Hoobastank video called "Inside of You" which is as suggestive as it's title. I am surprised at how pop-y the sound is compared to their previous albums, but I have to admit it's very catchy.

Inside The Actor's Studio

I used to really love that show! I liked how it seemed true to the art of acting. No fabricated interviews about love lives or mansions - just questions about acting technique and what brought the guests to the place they are at.
That was until the day they invited Jennifer Lopez on the show. At first I thought I was watching a spoof on Mad TV but sure enough James and Jennifer were not being impersonated.
Since that show I've tried to get back into it, really I have. I watched the Michael J. Fox special 2 hour episode (which was really good!) but sadly the very next week they had Cameron Diaz! I couldn't stomach the betrayal after that.
I practically forgot about the show until today when I was reading Orchestrated Happenstance and found a posting about the questionaire James Lipton accredits Bernard Pivot with creating. In rememberance of a happier ITAS time, here are the questions and my answers.

What is your favorite word? limpia para brisas (windshield wipers in Spanish)

What is your least favorite word? hootenanny (maybe I'll blog about that sometime)

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? the ocean

What turns you off? ignorance

What is your favorite curse word? fuck. although I have to admit I am also fond of British vulgarity such as wanker.

What sound or noise do you love? waves crashing

What sound or noise do you hate? saliva sloshing around in someone's mouth

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? dance

What profession would you not like to do? anything in the restaurant industry (again)

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
See! I DO exist!

The Consequences of Lying (don't try this at home)

Saturday morning started out the same as any other weekend. I woke up around 9 and lounged around while listening to the Top 20 Countdown on VH1. Then I got my lazy ass off the couch and went for a jog. As I left my building I noticed that our neighbor put her condo on the market.
By the time I returned from my jog I could feel the palpable excitement in the air. The neighborhood was obviously excited to see the price she listed her unit under - since that would increase the odds of any of us getting that kind of a profit when we chose to turn around and sell.
I walked through my front door to see Logic's smile. He was excited too.
After more laziness, we decided to do a little recon work and see what her place looked like. We wanted to know how it stacked up to our unit. As we were heading over there, Logic mentioned that he didn't want the neighbor to know we came over - he figured it might be weird. So when we walked into the unit I went into fabrication-mode. I lied about our names, our interest and where we were from. Once I started I had to keep the story up. I couldn't exactly tell her we lived next door after saying we just wanted to see what the market had to offer in this area.
By the time we left I knew I'd taken it too far. Now what am I going to do when the realtor comes by again and sees us carrying groceries up the steps?

update: The condo sold within 3 weeks so the realtor has no reason to come back. Looks like we got away with our lie. But I will think twice before doing it again.

New York Times Article - What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage

---

June 25, 2006

Modern Love

What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage

By AMY SUTHERLAND

AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. "Have you seen my keys?" he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.

In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, "Don't worry, they'll turn up." But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.

Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.

I love my husband. He's well read, adventurous and does a hysterical rendition of a northern Vermont accent that still cracks me up after 12 years of marriage.

But he also tends to be forgetful, and is often tardy and mercurial. He hovers around me in the kitchen asking if I read this or that piece in The New Yorker when I'm trying to concentrate on the simmering pans. He leaves wadded tissues in his wake. He suffers from serious bouts of spousal deafness but never fails to hear me when I mutter to myself on the other side of the house. "What did you say?" he'll shout.

These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce, but in sum they began to dull my love for Scott. I wanted — needed — to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be easier to love.

So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books and set about improving him. By nagging, of course, which only made his behavior worse: he'd drive faster instead of slower; shave less frequently, not more; and leave his reeking bike garb on the bedroom floor longer than ever.

We went to a counselor to smooth the edges off our marriage. She didn't understand what we were doing there and complimented us repeatedly on how well we communicated. I gave up. I guessed she was right — our union was better than most — and resigned myself to stretches of slow-boil resentment and occasional sarcasm.

Then something magical happened. For a book I was writing about a school for exotic animal trainers, I started commuting from Maine to California, where I spent my days watching students do the seemingly impossible: teaching hyenas to pirouette on command, cougars to offer their paws for a nail clipping, and baboons to skateboard.

I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip and elephants to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband.

The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.

Back in Maine, I began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt into the hamper. If he threw in two, I'd kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step over any soiled clothes on the floor without one sharp word, though I did sometimes kick them under the bed. But as he basked in my appreciation, the piles became smaller.

I was using what trainers call "approximations," rewarding the small steps toward learning a whole new behavior. You can't expect a baboon to learn to flip on command in one session, just as you can't expect an American husband to begin regularly picking up his dirty socks by praising him once for picking up a single sock. With the baboon you first reward a hop, then a bigger hop, then an even bigger hop. With Scott the husband, I began to praise every small act every time: if he drove just a mile an hour slower, tossed one pair of shorts into the hamper, or was on time for anything.

I also began to analyze my husband the way a trainer considers an exotic animal. Enlightened trainers learn all they can about a species, from anatomy to social structure, to understand how it thinks, what it likes and dislikes, what comes easily to it and what doesn't. For example, an elephant is a herd animal, so it responds to hierarchy. It cannot jump, but can stand on its head. It is a vegetarian.

The exotic animal known as Scott is a loner, but an alpha male. So hierarchy matters, but being in a group doesn't so much. He has the balance of a gymnast, but moves slowly, especially when getting dressed. Skiing comes naturally, but being on time does not. He's an omnivore, and what a trainer would call food-driven.

Once I started thinking this way, I couldn't stop. At the school in California, I'd be scribbling notes on how to walk an emu or have a wolf accept you as a pack member, but I'd be thinking, "I can't wait to try this on Scott."

On a field trip with the students, I listened to a professional trainer describe how he had taught African crested cranes to stop landing on his head and shoulders. He did this by training the leggy birds to land on mats on the ground. This, he explained, is what is called an "incompatible behavior," a simple but brilliant concept.

Rather than teach the cranes to stop landing on him, the trainer taught the birds something else, a behavior that would make the undesirable behavior impossible. The birds couldn't alight on the mats and his head simultaneously.

At home, I came up with incompatible behaviors for Scott to keep him from crowding me while I cooked. To lure him away from the stove, I piled up parsley for him to chop or cheese for him to grate at the other end of the kitchen island. Or I'd set out a bowl of chips and salsa across the room. Soon I'd done it: no more Scott hovering around me while I cooked.

I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin trainer introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn't respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away.

In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott!"

It was only a matter of time before he was again tearing around the house searching for his keys, at which point I said nothing and kept at what I was doing. It took a lot of discipline to maintain my calm, but results were immediate and stunning. His temper fell far shy of its usual pitch and then waned like a fast-moving storm. I felt as if I should throw him a mackerel.

Now he's at it again; I hear him banging a closet door shut, rustling through papers on a chest in the front hall and thumping upstairs. At the sink, I hold steady. Then, sure enough, all goes quiet. A moment later, he walks into the kitchen, keys in hand, and says calmly, "Found them."

Without turning, I call out, "Great, see you later."

Off he goes with our much-calmed pup.

After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love. I used to take his faults personally; his dirty clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol of how he didn't care enough about me. But thinking of my husband as an exotic species gave me the distance I needed to consider our differences more objectively.

I adopted the trainers' motto: "It's never the animal's fault." When my training attempts failed, I didn't blame Scott. Rather, I brainstormed new strategies, thought up more incompatible behaviors and used smaller approximations. I dissected my own behavior, considered how my actions might inadvertently fuel his. I also accepted that some behaviors were too entrenched, too instinctive to train away. You can't stop a badger from digging, and you can't stop my husband from losing his wallet and keys.

PROFESSIONALS talk of animals that understand training so well they eventually use it back on the trainer. My animal did the same. When the training techniques worked so beautifully, I couldn't resist telling my husband what I was up to. He wasn't offended, just amused. As I explained the techniques and terminology, he soaked it up. Far more than I realized.

Last fall, firmly in middle age, I learned that I needed braces. They were not only humiliating, but also excruciating. For weeks my gums, teeth, jaw and sinuses throbbed. I complained frequently and loudly. Scott assured me that I would become used to all the metal in my mouth. I did not.

One morning, as I launched into yet another tirade about how uncomfortable I was, Scott just looked at me blankly. He didn't say a word or acknowledge my rant in any way, not even with a nod.

I quickly ran out of steam and started to walk away. Then I realized what was happening, and I turned and asked, "Are you giving me an L. R. S.?" Silence. "You are, aren't you?"

He finally smiled, but his L. R. S. has already done the trick. He'd begun to train me, the American wife.

Amy Sutherland is the author of "Kicked, Bitten and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers" (Viking, June 2006). She lives in Boston and in Portland, Me.

Conversation

Me: did you hear what W did?
anonymous: no
Me: heh
anonymous: ha, that gets news...
did you hear that he started an illegal war that has killed 2500 us soldiers so far?

To Nag or Not To Nag? That Is The Question.

Remember when you first got married and swore to yourself that you weren't going to be like your mom? You were going to be Superwife! The kind that fits in as one of the guys. Whether it's watching Sports Center with your husband (or wife) and their friends, or pointing out hot chicks on t.v.. You would be the coolest wife ever!
Cut to 3 years later and you have friends coming over for dinner. You look around the house and notice that all of YOUR stuff is where it's supposed to be. And yet the house is still a wreck! Socks are in a heap by the couch, empty glasses stacked up on the desk and don't even go into the bathroom or you'll freak out!
Because you've reached your boiling point, you find yourself saying things you swore you'd never say. Things like "do you know where the sink is?"and "have you ever heard of a laundry hamper?"
The first time those words leave your mouth your hand instinctively goes to your mouth in utter shock. But as time goes on, you realize that you mother had every reason to nag. After all, she was only asking for a little help.
And yet, as time wears by you notice that all that nagging doesn't do any good. If anything, your husband (wife)/children resent you for it. So what the hell are you supposed to do? Suffer quietly? Learn to appreciate the smell of 3 day old beer coming from the office?
I have to admit that I chose the nagging route. But a friend passed along an article entitled "What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage" (see newer post by that name for article in it's entirity) and I can't help but smile.
There is still hope!

7 Things

Okay, so it's obvious I have a questionaire problem. I just love them!
Thank you Anissa for this one:

7 things I plan to do before I die:

1) finish college

2) travel to Europe

3) learn another language

4) make enough money to be able to afford a little pampering

5) take another dance class

6) be on Oprah

7) see the Great Barrier Reef

7 things I can do:

1) speak enough Spanish to save my life

2) quote most of the movie "So I Married An Axe Murderer"

3) be brave

4) do the splits

5) figure people out

6) shop til I drop

7) drive a stick-shift

7 things I cannot do:

1) sit still when the house is a mess

2) do a good french manicure

3) do a triple pirouette anymore

4) manage to save a significant amount of money without going shopping

5) physics

6) sing in front of people

7) go back to a customer service job

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex/another person:

1) eyes

2) smile

3) teeth

4) hair

5)height

6) build

7) legs

7 things that I say most often:

1) fook

2) wtf

3) word

4) that's funny

5) what the pho?

6) sheyit

7) heyl no!

7 celebrity crushes:

1) Johnny Depp

2) Jake Gyllenhall

3) David Beckham

4) Ryan Reynolds

5) Lenny Kravitz

6) Ryan Gosling

7) Terrance Howard

Music

I am a big fan of launchcast. Not only because it carries a lot of videos/songs that I enjoy, but because it also introduces me to music I wouldn't hear on the radio (yet).
For example: Ok Go. They're a funky band that launchcast randomly introduced me to. If you're feeling adventurous you should check out their video for A Million Ways. It's a lot of fun to watch.
If you're not ready to branch out, but want to watch a good video try: Coldplay - Fix You, Gnarles Barkley - Crazy, or Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars.
If you have a yahoo account you can access these videos by clicking on the launchcast link and signing in. If you don't have a yahoo account, I suggest you sign up. Free music? I say 'yes please'!

Showing the Ropes

I would like to officially welcome my sister to the blogworld. I have referred to her as Onni in the past (meaning "older sister") but since she now has her own blog I'm going to refer to her as Paige.
I hope you enjoy!

Home (written in chronological order for easy reading)

I recently saw John Edwards and heard him talk about his new book "Home". The book consists of essays from a variety of people explaining how influencial their home has been to them.
John explained that he got the idea for the book when he was campaigning through South Carolina with John Kerry during the 2004 Presidential Campaign. He was given the opportunity to tour the home he grew up in and said it was a monumental day in his life. Memories that shaped his life came flooding back and he was inspired to share that story with others.
This got me thinking about my home and how it's affected me.
Home is probably most often described as "a place where one lives; a residence"* but for me the structure I lived in never felt like home. My family moved around frequently and I missed out on a lot of the typical things that so many people take for granted. I never had my height marked out on the frame of the kitchen door or stumbled across a box of memories in the garage. I never left for college just to come home during holidays and see all of my childhood friends. It was because of this nomadic lifestyle that I had to create my own 'home' in the different towns I lived in.
To me home became "an environment offering security and happiness.".* A place where I could get away from the stresses of the day and enjoy time by myself. Unfortunately this place changed as often as my address, but in every house I found a new place of refuge.

*dictionary.com

Lewiston - Home Part 1

Since I have quite a few homes I've decided to seperate them by the different places I lived.
To start, I was born in Lewiston, Idaho in 1979. After a day in the hospital I came home to a rather large house in The Orchards. It had 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a full basement that included a family room, utility room and storage room.
It was the storage room that I remember most fondly. It had 2 beanbag chairs and a sewing machine. Other than that, it was filled to the rim with smashed boxes and old clothes that my mom couldn't yet part with.
Sounds rather boring, I'm sure. But for me it was a place full of imagination where I played dress- up and even learned a very valuable lesson. Do NOT lock a cat inside an airtight sewing machine box! She never stepped foot inside that storage room again - or near me for that matter, but she got out okay and I continued to spend most of my spare time in there.
We moved when I was six, but I credit that storage room for my ever-growing imagination.

Council - Home part 2

Before my first-grade year I moved 3 hours south of Lewiston to Council. We rented a log cabin on a small ranch 5 miles outside of town. There were 2 horses, a few cows and other animals that I can't recollect.
Inside the fence we had a large garden, a pond and creek, and an impressive built-in playground that included a sand-box and a slide attached to a "tree" house that was not attached to a tree at all, but rather to the side of the house. Being that I was a child, you would probably assume my refuge was inside that "tree" house. But there was something about the playground that didn't appeal to me. Maybe because it wasn't built for me. (There was a large family who previously lived in the house and built the playground for their 11 children. I always felt like I was intruding on their space.) So instead of making mudpies in the sandbox I wandered down to the creek and spent most of my spare time hanging out by the "Golden Gate Bridge".
Onni and I stumbled upon the tree one particular afternoon as the sun set and added a golden-hue to a log that had fallen over the creek. I remember going to Golden Gate Bridge after I found out my uncle passed away, but for the most part I went there to play. I made up songs, acted out skits about The Cosby Show and most importantly, spent rare time with a sister 5 years my senior who scarcely found time to hang out with her uncool kid sister.
As much as I loathed that town, I know it was a crutial time for my budding creativity. And if I'm trying to be optimistic - it was also the place where we got our family dog, Maggie.

Kennewick - Home part 3

After 2 years in the cabin and a temporary move to a guest house across the street from family friends, my family (which now consisted of my parents, Onni and I) moved to Eastern Washington. We lived in a townhome that had 2 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms and square footage that estimated to 1200 feet (if my memory serves me well).
Since this place was so small I found my home outside. Onni and I attended a private school on the other side of town and took the public bus to and from classes. Our busstop was a block from the apartment. It was in front of a mini-mall and faced an empty lot full of tumbleweeds and lava rock. Having gone back to this place in previous years, I can attest that it was nothing to brag about. But it wasn't so much the location as the memories that made that place my home. After all, I shared this busstop with a neighbor who was in the same grade as me. She and I became inseperable and spent our mornings kicking lava rocks and pretending to be princesses who were being chased by kidnappers. It's because of that busstop that I continue to have a valued relationship with her to this day.

Roseburg - Home part 4

We lived in Washington for over two years by the time my dad was offered a job in central Oregon. We moved to Roseburg in the middle of my fourth grade year. Originally we lived in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath tri-plex that must have been around 600 square feet and didn't even have the pleasure of privacy. There were 2 little girls at the other end of the building - Jenny and Joanna - who didn't have much parental guidance and spent a great deal of their time watching tv through our window. Looking back, I feel really bad for those little girls but at the time it was unfuriating.
I can honestly say I didn't have a "home" at this place but luckily we only lived there while my parents looked for a house to buy; 6 months tops.
Before my 5th grade year we moved into a moderately sized house with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms on the edge of town. This house was by far my favorite. I felt safe and happy there. It probably didn't hurt that this was the friendliest town we lived in. I felt as though I fit right in.
In fact, I remember my first day of school being neither scary nor intimidating. I was befriended immediately and still keep in touch with some of my classmates. (On a side note- it was one of those classmates that later introduced me to Logic. No wonder I have a soft spot for this place.)
I liked my room in that house. It was small, but I somehow managed to get a t.v. in there! Many hours were spent mastering Mario Brothers upside down and finding that I actually enjoyed reading. But it wasn't my bedroom that I found refuge in. It was the garage.
Oregon molded me in many ways, but one of the most influencial experiences was learning to love dance. A good friend introduced me to ballet and jazz and I started taking lessons when I was 11. The studio was like a second home to me. I found myself using the garage as an alternate studio; I took my boombox with me and spend hours out there practicing my moves and choreographing new ones. I would invite friends over to make up dances and subjected my parents to hours of "Cold Hearted Snake" and "U Can't Touch This".
Unfortunately, when we left Roseburg I left behind an amazing ballet teacher and any chance at becoming a professional dancer. But it was because of Roseburg that loved dance in the first place.
(I continue to dance around my house and find inspiration in such shows as -say it with me- So You Think You Can Dance.)

Lewistown - Home part 5

After 4 1/4 years living in Roseburg, my parents surprised everyone by announcing they would be packing up and moving to MT where my dad was offered another admin position. That would mean that I would be leaving my friends and more importantly, Onni behind and traveling to a place that I had no desire to go.
We knew the move wasn't permanent so my parents never purchased a house. We rented a place across the street from the high school (great, a daily reminder!) and I can honestly say that none of us liked it.
It is for this reason that I find it so ironic that I never found a 'home' in Lewistown. The one place that I needed it the most! I spent a lot of time in my bedroom, but it never felt like my bedroom. The walls were pale pink (at a time when I HATED pink) and the room was so small that I literally had to cram my twin sized waterbed (yes, I had a waterbed... and thank god! It was so cold there that I had icesicles growing on a wall!) in there with a dresser and only had a small pathway to manuever through. AND it smelled of cat urine.
The weather was only bearable for about 4 months out of the year so I couldn't exactly find my "home" outside and the house was so small that I didn't have any non-communal space.
If I had to describe my home in MT it would probably be in any random place with a warm beer in my hand. After all, it is what I spent the majority of my time doing.
Lewistown had a reputation for one thing: alcoholic teenagers. I'm not kidding. I actually dated someone my senior year who would have 'the shakes' if he went more than 12 hours without a drink. And sadly, I don't think I was far behind.
You know, at the time I thought it was a lot of fun. I'd go visit friends in other towns and have some really fun* stories to tell. I even had a sort of celebrity because everyone knew OF Lewistown and its reputation.
It wasn't until years later that I realized the drinking was my way of escaping.
I'm still trying to find something positive that came out of living in Lewistown, but regardless of positive or negative, that place affected me a lot.
"And I'd like to thank the town of Lewistown for my current need for anxiety medication..."

* by fun I mean stories that seemed innocuous at the time but later turned out to be quite painful to recollect.

A.M. (after Montana) - Home part 6 - The Conclusion

After graduation, I moved to Oregon again and lived with Onni in Portland.
That was the first move I voluntarily made (voluntary? is that what it's called when you just want to get the fuck out of MT?) and it was very liberating.
That October I started dating Logic. I drove down to Roseburg with him that Thanksgiving and met his family. I was greeted at the front door of their beautiful Northwestern style home with hugs from his dad, mom and younger sister. It was at that very moment I knew I was home.

Feeling Stagnant

Every so often someone will surprise me with a nugget of enduring wisdom. Yesterday that person was my mom.
I talked to her about how I felt stagnant in my professional life. Like I wasn't living up to my potential and, in turn, wasting away my life. She absorbed that complaint and took a day to process it. Then she called me yesterday to talk about it again. She thinks that sometimes my urgency to have 'answers' prevents me from enjoying my current situation. She went on to say that I might want to change my perspective and try to look at life as a journey - one that can be enjoyed along the way.
The fact that she took the time to think about what I said meant a lot to me. So when she said that, I thought it was the least I could do to consider her opinion. And you know what? She's right. Why wish my life away? "I wish I was doing something else... I wish it was 5:00". I need to try and look at this part of my life as the journey that takes me to where I need to be. After all, I do believe in fate - so that would mean that I'm here, right now for a reason, right?

More About Me

I enjoyed reading Kris' post so much that I had to do one of my own.

10 years ago...I was staying with my sister in Kalispell. Helping her take care of her two baby girls during summer vacation. I was eating Nabisco food all the time (her husband was a nabisco rep) and getting pretty fat. My favorite show was the Rosie O'Donnell show and I snuck down to the basement to watch MTV like it was going off the air.

5 years ago...I just arrived in Jacksonville with Logic. We were invited by my aunt to stay with a cousin I hadn't seen in years. When we arrived the cousin informed us that we'd be paying her $100 to stay with her for 6 days. Looking back, I think that was Jacksonville's way of saying "welcome to the sunshine state! get ready! we're going to fuck you over as much as possible!"

1 year ago...Logic and I just purchased our first home - a condo near the Puget Sound.

Yesterday...I had a meltdown for the first time in awhile. I went for a jog and that seemed to help.

Today... I spoke to my boss about my anxiety. He said he will help me in any way possible.

Tomorrow...I'll be holding my breath - hoping Lanie has her baby so we can make a trip to Oregon this weekend.

5 snacks I enjoy...fresh fruit, rondele veggie dip with wheat thins (does that count as 2?), bread of any variety, grape tomatoes (guess that's still fresh fruit) & cheetos.

5 songs I know all the words to...La Isla Bonita, Turn the Radio Up, Lean on Me, Rockin' Robin & Do Ya Wanna Dance?

5 reality television shows I watch... this question is a major intrusion on my privacy. ;) okay - Project Runway, The D-List, So You Think You Can Dance, American Idol and Queer Eye.

5 television shows I watch daily... none. but weekly: So You... , How I Met Your Mother, The D- List, Forensic Files & I try to get in a little Oprah time whenever possible.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000... pay off my debt, invest in real estate, buy a new car, go clothes shopping & buy a house for my parents

5 locations I would love to run away to...Florence, Fiji, Sydney, Honolulu or Barbados

5 things I like doing...dancing, jogging, reading, blogging & watching movies

5 things I would never wear...granny panties, socks w/ sandals, holiday oriented sweaters, a string bikini & pants that allow my thong to show on purpose

5 recently seen movies I like...Everything is Illuminated, Capote, Munich, The Family Stone & Syriana

5 famous people I'd like to meet... Hillary & Bill Clinton, Ellen Degeneres, Dave Chappelle & Johnny Depp

5 biggest joys of the moment...popsicles, launchcast.com, home renovation, jogging & the possibility of seeing family this weekend.

Deep Breath

I feel like a whining child. "I don't wanna go!"
This is the recurring stream running through my head. With the wedding quickly approaching I find myself overwhelmed with anxiety.
The first thought of Lewistown and I have to remind myself to breathe.

Something to Aspire To

People like Oprah often inspire me to try and be a better person. Whether it's hearing about the odds that Oprah has faced or hearing her viewers tell stories of triumph, I can't help but think of how I can make a difference.
I recently stumbled upon an article on cnn.com about a social services coordinator who came up with the idea of having girls in detention centers paired up with dogs from the pound. The girls trained the dogs, hoping to increase their chances of finding a good home and in turn, the dogs taught the girls compassion and discipline.
This is just another example of someone thinking outside the box and making a difference in their community. I found it to be inspiring. Hope you do too.

Baby Isaiah - I love you

I fell in love with a boy this weekend. His name is Isaiah and he is my two month old nephew.
Don't get me wrong, I loved him before. I was in the hospital when he was born and held him when he was a matter of minutes old. I was even there during a very manly procedure the next day. But it wasn't until last weekend that I got to know him.
He and his family came up for the weekend to celebrate the 4th of July and we were busy running all over Seattle.
But it was in the middle of a Mariner's game that my heart melted.

4th of July

- Woke up to my sister handing baby Isaiah to me. He and I cuddled on an air mattress in my living room until I was fully awake and then spent the morning exchanging coo's and smiles.
- My brother showed up around 11:30 and we grilled burgers, had pasta salad, fresh strawberries, deviled eggs and mint chocolate chip ice cream.
-After lunch, Onni and her family left. So did my bro.
- Logic and I then drove over to a friends house for socializing and a little Block Party watching.
- Around 7ish, we drove to another friend's house for dinner - BBQ chicken, more pasta salad, spinach salad w/ feta and olives, onion bread w/ garlic and fresh strawberries and mangos.
- At 9, we walked up to an apartment complex on the hill and watched not one, but two firework shows. We finally got home around midnight and crashed.
It was a long-wonderful day.