For Those of You Who Don't Know My Mom

I guess I should talk about my monk-email and why I chose to pick on my mom.
See, my family is very "special". And I blame my dad for that. He is a very "unique" individual with a "rare" sense of humor.*
I'll give you some examples. Just don't expect them to make sense.

-He tells stories about how he wanted to name my eldest sister Paulution and that he almost convinced my mom to name me Gorbog.
-He pretends that his scars are from "the war" or some recent adventure. (ex:)
ME: "Dad what happened? You have a gash on your arm"
HIM: (as he walks in from mowing the lawn) "Oh, that old thing? Remember the time an alligator jumped over the fence and bit me? Well when I was just outside I noticed a tunnel and when I got closer I saw a man digging his way from China and it tore back open when I was helping him out."
-Anytime my 2nd sister meets someone new he asks her if they showed her their library card.
-When anyone receives a job offer, he admits to calling the employer ahead of time and explaining to them that he is a Shellback twice over.
-And the most relevant one: In college my mom passed out from malnutrition and her front teeth needed to be replaced. My dad tells the story a bit differently. See, in his eyes my mom had (and still has) a massive drinking problem and had her teeth knocked out one night at a bar. It doesn't stop there. Anytime my mom happens to be out, she is "sleeping off a hang-over" or "riding around in the cop car". He even went so far as to tell me that she saved up her aluminum cans for months and exchanged them for me on one of her benders in Tijuana.
It is because of that scenario that I just had to, let's be honest, exploit my mom.


*Parenthesis are used to signify a possible mental disorder in this situation.