I used to have to drug myself when the weather was bad.
Anxiety comes and goes but it often comes when the weather is gloomy and dark. Lately it has been coming less and less and I attribute that to Susan, my therapist.
I have been in therapy for over 3 years now and the last year has been exceptionally good, when I started seeing Susan.
She is my confidante and the little voice inside my head that tells me to "be compassionate" with myself. In the year that I've been seeing her, I have learned so much about who I am and the different ways that my mind operates. With the progress that I've made, I have felt a shift in my soul. It's not even just a shift in my mental state, but myself as a whole. I am discovering who I am, and in doing so, how strong I am.
I have moved around most of my life and transitioned into the person I thought I needed to be when in different surroundings. I got so good at being a chameleon that I lost myself. When life finally slowed down and I lived in a city for more than a year or two I realized that I didn't know who I was or how I should cope with different situations.
One particular situation has been gloomy weather. In the process of stripping away the false layers and discovering who I really am, I stopped relying on the same sources of comfort that I was used to. That made coping with inclement weather or less-than-ideal situations all the more difficult. That allowed for anxiety to creep in.
I used to dream about the day when I wouldn't have anxiety anymore. I thought I would wake up and the clouds would dissipate, leaving me clear-headed and capable of handling anything. And then I realized that was never going to happen. Anxiety isn't something to cure. It is something I would need to learn how to live with and when I finally realized that, I also came to the conclusion that I didn't need to feel anxiety. It was something I could choose.
I have had anxiety since then, but I have also chosen to deal with it in a constructive way. Today, as I watch the snow fall from my living room for the 7th day in a row, I am proud of myself. I have been a "shut-in", as my sister puts it, for a week but instead of allowing that to make me feel claustrophobic I have chosen to view it as an adventure. This is just a storm; just an oddity. And it's a part of my life that I will look back on and say "oh yeah, I was there for that."
I am fully present and finding the fulfillment that comes with experiencing something out of the ordinary: like a crazy, unprecedented storm in Seattle.
December 21, 2008
December 20, 2008
I Felt Inspired
to write a song after reading this headline on yahoo:
"Prop. 8 sponsors seek to nullify 18K gay marriages".
So far I only have the chorus but it goes a little something like this:
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS YOU HOMOPHOBES.
"Prop. 8 sponsors seek to nullify 18K gay marriages".
So far I only have the chorus but it goes a little something like this:
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS YOU HOMOPHOBES.
December 12, 2008
December 09, 2008
December 05, 2008
It Really is Real
A while back I wrote about my brother, Tom, telling me that his girlfriend was pregnant. He typically "lies" to me so I refused to believe him. At the baby shower, Bonnie appeared to have a belly-bump but I still was not convinced.I upped the ante and insisted on seeing the actual baby before I would believe it.
Well, last night I met Klaire and she is very real.
Tom called me at 4:00 to tell me that Bonnie was at the hospital having heavy contractions and then again at 6:30 to tell me that 'he had a Klaire'.
Logic and I rushed over to Ballard and were greeted by a 5 lb, 12 oz. bundle who immediately stole my heart.
My brother is officially a daddy and I am, again, an aunt.
Having been through this before, you would think that I have grown accustomed to how this works but every single time that I get to hold a new member of my family, I am reminded of what a gift it truly is.
I haven't held Klaire in roughly 14 hours and my heart hurts. I loathe work on a normal day but today it is exponentially worse.
Well, last night I met Klaire and she is very real.
Tom called me at 4:00 to tell me that Bonnie was at the hospital having heavy contractions and then again at 6:30 to tell me that 'he had a Klaire'.
Logic and I rushed over to Ballard and were greeted by a 5 lb, 12 oz. bundle who immediately stole my heart.
My brother is officially a daddy and I am, again, an aunt.
Having been through this before, you would think that I have grown accustomed to how this works but every single time that I get to hold a new member of my family, I am reminded of what a gift it truly is.
I haven't held Klaire in roughly 14 hours and my heart hurts. I loathe work on a normal day but today it is exponentially worse.
November 28, 2008
Fed Up
Work is really starting to wear on me. Is there such a thing as the Four-Year-Itch? Cause I think I've caught it.
November 14, 2008
Pro-Abortion
Often times when I start my morning reading the news, I get queasy. So much is being thrown at me from National to World to Local news that it can easily seem overwhelming. So this morning I had my breakfast before I searched the headlines.
Now I'm wishing I hadn't. After reading one particular article I feel like blowing chunks:
"A South Carolina Roman Catholic priest has told his parishioners that they should refrain from receiving Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama because the Democratic president-elect supports abortion, and supporting him "constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil."
The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.
"Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president." (msnbc)
"Obama is Pro-Abortion"???? Yes, his goal is to convince people to have them. That's right. He stands outside abortion clinics trying to get people to go in. He organizes rallies with signs that read: "Do You Really Want a Baby? Why Not Kill It Instead?"
Man. I didn't expect Conservative America to actually pay attention to what he had to say because it was pretty obvious that they already had their minds made up. (Or maybe they'd already been told by their priests that their souls would be in jeopardy if they voted for Obama so they didn't even watch the debates.) But I think it's important to point out a portion of the debate between Obama and McCain in October.
McCain: "...Then there was another bill before the Senate Judiciary Committee in the state of Illinois not that long ago, where he voted against a ban on partial-birth abortion, one of the late-term abortion, a really -- one of the bad procedures, a terrible. And then, on the floor of the Illinois State Senate, he voted present.
I don't know how you vote "present" on some of that. I don't know how you align yourself with the extreme aspect of the pro- abortion movement in America."
Obama: "If it sounds incredible that I would vote to withhold lifesaving treatment from an infant, that's because it's not true. The -- here are the facts...nobody's pro-abortion. I think it's always a tragic situation." (cnn)
Now I'm wishing I hadn't. After reading one particular article I feel like blowing chunks:
"A South Carolina Roman Catholic priest has told his parishioners that they should refrain from receiving Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama because the Democratic president-elect supports abortion, and supporting him "constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil."
The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.
"Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president." (msnbc)
"Obama is Pro-Abortion"???? Yes, his goal is to convince people to have them. That's right. He stands outside abortion clinics trying to get people to go in. He organizes rallies with signs that read: "Do You Really Want a Baby? Why Not Kill It Instead?"
Man. I didn't expect Conservative America to actually pay attention to what he had to say because it was pretty obvious that they already had their minds made up. (Or maybe they'd already been told by their priests that their souls would be in jeopardy if they voted for Obama so they didn't even watch the debates.) But I think it's important to point out a portion of the debate between Obama and McCain in October.
McCain: "...Then there was another bill before the Senate Judiciary Committee in the state of Illinois not that long ago, where he voted against a ban on partial-birth abortion, one of the late-term abortion, a really -- one of the bad procedures, a terrible. And then, on the floor of the Illinois State Senate, he voted present.
I don't know how you vote "present" on some of that. I don't know how you align yourself with the extreme aspect of the pro- abortion movement in America."
Obama: "If it sounds incredible that I would vote to withhold lifesaving treatment from an infant, that's because it's not true. The -- here are the facts...nobody's pro-abortion. I think it's always a tragic situation." (cnn)
November 06, 2008
November 05, 2008
Montana Nicknames
I was recently asked why Montana was called Big Sky Country. Apparently, the fact that I lived there for three years qualified me to know the answer. Unfortunately, I did not.
Wanting to sound smart, I did some research and came across a site that I found to be rather interesting.
Passing on my new-found wealth of knowledge, here is a list of Montana nicknames and reasons why:
Country of the Mountains ~ This was a Shoshone expression "Toyabe-Shock-up". It was the first published nickname coined in 1865 by Granville Stuart while publishing the first book to promote Montana.
The Treasure State ~ this was the first nickname to gain acceptance by residents of Montana. It appeared on the cover of a promotional booklet published by the Montana Bureau of Agriculture, Labor, and Industry and was referring to Montana's ranking as the country's foremost producer of metallic treasure--gold, silver, and, most importantly, copper.
Land of Shining Mountains ~ The same 1895 guidebook that introduced The Treasure State nickname also referred to Montana as the "Land of Shining Mountains". This was coined by brothers Pierre and Chevalier Verendrye, French Canadian fur traders and explorers. They gazed upon the snow-capped northern Rockies and dubbed them the "Shining Mountains." According to historian Joaquin Miller's 1894 history of Montana, Native tribes also referred to the Rockies as "the Shining" because of their glittering snow. The Land of Shining Mountains remained in the popular lexicon for several decades, but the Treasure State proved its greater staying power.
Stubbed-Toe State ~ Probably the oddest moniker attached to Montana, the nickname refers to the mountainous region of western Montana where the multitude of rocks might pose a hazard to the novice hiker. This is according to the 1922 World Almanac.
Montana: High, Wide and Handsome ~ One of the most resonant Montana epithets, it first came into use during the 1940s and 50s. Its original source is unknown, although evidence points to C. B. Glasscock, who stated that "Life in Butte was high, wide, and occasionally handsome" in War of the Copper Kings published in 1935.
Big Sky Country ~ borrowed from the book The Big Sky, by A. B. Guthrie, Jr. A bestselling fur trade novel.
P.S. this is all taken from the website. I only summarized.
Wanting to sound smart, I did some research and came across a site that I found to be rather interesting.
Passing on my new-found wealth of knowledge, here is a list of Montana nicknames and reasons why:
Country of the Mountains ~ This was a Shoshone expression "Toyabe-Shock-up". It was the first published nickname coined in 1865 by Granville Stuart while publishing the first book to promote Montana.
The Treasure State ~ this was the first nickname to gain acceptance by residents of Montana. It appeared on the cover of a promotional booklet published by the Montana Bureau of Agriculture, Labor, and Industry and was referring to Montana's ranking as the country's foremost producer of metallic treasure--gold, silver, and, most importantly, copper.
Land of Shining Mountains ~ The same 1895 guidebook that introduced The Treasure State nickname also referred to Montana as the "Land of Shining Mountains". This was coined by brothers Pierre and Chevalier Verendrye, French Canadian fur traders and explorers. They gazed upon the snow-capped northern Rockies and dubbed them the "Shining Mountains." According to historian Joaquin Miller's 1894 history of Montana, Native tribes also referred to the Rockies as "the Shining" because of their glittering snow. The Land of Shining Mountains remained in the popular lexicon for several decades, but the Treasure State proved its greater staying power.
Stubbed-Toe State ~ Probably the oddest moniker attached to Montana, the nickname refers to the mountainous region of western Montana where the multitude of rocks might pose a hazard to the novice hiker. This is according to the 1922 World Almanac.
Montana: High, Wide and Handsome ~ One of the most resonant Montana epithets, it first came into use during the 1940s and 50s. Its original source is unknown, although evidence points to C. B. Glasscock, who stated that "Life in Butte was high, wide, and occasionally handsome" in War of the Copper Kings published in 1935.
Big Sky Country ~ borrowed from the book The Big Sky, by A. B. Guthrie, Jr. A bestselling fur trade novel.
P.S. this is all taken from the website. I only summarized.
Do You Think
... that Lorne Michaels and Jon Stewart are disappointed with the outcome of the election?
November 04, 2008
November 03, 2008
Barack and Maya
"She was the person who encouraged and allowed us to take chances. She was proud of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren and left this world with the knowledge that her impact on all of us was meaningful and enduring. Our debt to her is beyond measure."
~regarding their Grandmother. What a bitter-sweet time for them.
~regarding their Grandmother. What a bitter-sweet time for them.
October 31, 2008
The Douchies
Another round of the Douche Awards today.
This time I'd like to nominate the maroon Ford Taurus that parked so close to my car in the public garage yesterday that I had to get in from the passenger side door. Not only was that incredibly inconsiderate but I'm pretty sure it was impossible for said person to get out of their car without significantly dinging up mine (luckily, I didn't see any maroon paint on my door).
Thanks alot douche!
This time I'd like to nominate the maroon Ford Taurus that parked so close to my car in the public garage yesterday that I had to get in from the passenger side door. Not only was that incredibly inconsiderate but I'm pretty sure it was impossible for said person to get out of their car without significantly dinging up mine (luckily, I didn't see any maroon paint on my door).
Thanks alot douche!
October 30, 2008
What It Might Be Like
Not that I know... but I have the feeling I am being prepped for parenthood.
My cat, Grace, has Fatty Liver Disease which is treatable but she has been a wreck for the past few weeks; losing weight, throwing up, refusing to eat, turning yellow, you know - all the good stuff.
We have taken her to the vet more times that I can count and have done everything from blood-work to an ultra-sound to inserting a feeding tube. We're finally starting to see some progress so it has been worth all the effort, but damnit! I'm tired.
This whole ordeal has required a lot of sacrifices. The most recent one has been lack of sleep. All of the other sacrifices I can handle - like turning our house into a virtual vet office - including the hanging IV, but missing sleep is about to push me over the edge.
I remember reading a post by Aaryn a while back that talked about the challenges of parenting: more specifically, her daughter's lack of sleep which resulted in her lack of sleep. Now I can't compare what's going on to me to what happened to her but I can complain nonetheless.
I didn't sign on the dotted-line the way parents do. They know what they're getting themselves into. But lack of sleep is one of the reasons I have avoided that kind of paperwork. So to find myself in a situation where I'm losing sleep because of my cat.... well let me just say that if this is how being a cat-owner is, I never want kids.
My cat, Grace, has Fatty Liver Disease which is treatable but she has been a wreck for the past few weeks; losing weight, throwing up, refusing to eat, turning yellow, you know - all the good stuff.
We have taken her to the vet more times that I can count and have done everything from blood-work to an ultra-sound to inserting a feeding tube. We're finally starting to see some progress so it has been worth all the effort, but damnit! I'm tired.
This whole ordeal has required a lot of sacrifices. The most recent one has been lack of sleep. All of the other sacrifices I can handle - like turning our house into a virtual vet office - including the hanging IV, but missing sleep is about to push me over the edge.
I remember reading a post by Aaryn a while back that talked about the challenges of parenting: more specifically, her daughter's lack of sleep which resulted in her lack of sleep. Now I can't compare what's going on to me to what happened to her but I can complain nonetheless.
I didn't sign on the dotted-line the way parents do. They know what they're getting themselves into. But lack of sleep is one of the reasons I have avoided that kind of paperwork. So to find myself in a situation where I'm losing sleep because of my cat.... well let me just say that if this is how being a cat-owner is, I never want kids.
October 28, 2008
October 17, 2008
October 09, 2008
The List
Happy, Happy Birthday!
Today's Your Special Day!
Happy, Happy Birthday!
That's Why I'm Here to Say!
oh Happy, Happy Birthday!
May All Your Dreams Come True!
Happy, Happy Birthday!
From Me-e-e To You!
Jill is the first one to call barring any major catastrophe. She likes to make sure I know that she loves me the most. And she likes to sing me the Birthday Song when I'm still warm and squishy from a restful night's sleep. With no catastrophe to speak of, my first phone call today was from her. She called five more times throughout the day. In her last message she told me the story of how mom and dad were visiting her on her birthday last year and she woke up to find that mom had placed Post-Its all over the house that read "Happy Birthday, Jilly". So in her own special way, as she put it, she was calling me throughout the day to make sure I felt as loved as she did on her birthday; and loved I did feel.
Since I moved around so much growing up, I am proud to say I've wrangled quite an extensive "friends" list. This list is great for traveling cross-country because I always have a place to stay. It is also great on my birthday because I am guaranteed at least six phone calls, a dozen emails and birthday cards trickling in for the two weeks surronding my birthday.
I like to draw my birthday out. Similar to Christmas, the fun is over when it's time to clean up the wrapping paper, so I make it last as long as possible. Last night Logic agreed to let me open the gifts he gave me and then this morning I unwrapped the new Wellies from his family. But there was still a box and half a dozen cards that I wanted to save until I got home from work. So when we returned home, I was excited to see another four cards in the mail for me! Before opening the cards Logic was dying for me to open the last box, so I obliged. It was from Lilikoi and Ranger and it was full of my favorite things: PB M&Ms, Lush bath products and some Hawaiian tea.
Next I decided to open my cards. Organizing them in the order I wanted to open them, I noticed that the card from my Godmother had a return address from California even though she lives in Washington. I knew she had a sister near San Francisco and assumed that she was visiting her. When it came time to open her card, which she sends every year, I was surprised to find a note fall out with a pictures of the Virgin Mary on it. This wasn't typical for her. She usually sent me cute cards with puppies or flowers on it but I still turned it over expecting to see the familiar hand-writing wishing me a Happy Birthday. When I turned the card over, I saw that it was a Mass Card*. What happened next took a few minutes for me to register.
My breath caught in my throat and I grappled to find the piece of paper that fell out of the envelope when I hastily pulled out the card. Finding the paper, I flipped it over. Logic looked on, expecting me to tell him how my Godmother was doing and to read him the kind words she most definitely had written. He was nearly as shocked as I was when the words "she's dead" fell out of my mouth. The next few minutes, I just sat on the couch reading and re-reading the card:
We are saddened to let you know that our sister, Margaret, died on September 21, 2008at Lourdes Medical Center in Pasco, Washington due to complications of cancer.
Please remember our family and the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet, of which she was a member for 52 years.
With love,
(her family)
I put the note down, exasperated.
"They didn't even say how she died!".
Logic picked up the note and scoured every line.
"Cancer", he whispered.
I had read the card five times and missed that fucking C word every time. I must have seen it but couldn't absorb it; didn't want to believe it.
I was still expecting my birthday card.
She was the nurse in my delivery room. And since the day I was born when she cradled me before handing me to my dad, she has always sent me a card. She would usually include a cheesy gift that I would be embarrassed to show anyone. Being a nun, she was delightfully out of touch when it came to the latest toys and instead sent me a home-made apron or a magnet with my name on it or an oven mitt. Things I took for granted because I didn't expect the gifts to stop coming. But as I sit here, reeling from the news, I wish I had shown that rooster magnet off to all of my friends and that I'd worn that apron at least once. Now I don't even know where they are.
I know she wouldn't be hurt by my lack of interest in her gifts. She and I both knew that it wasn't about the gifts at all. It was about that day, now twenty nine years ago, when she helped my parents bring me into this world and how special we both knew we were to each other.
Every year, after opening her card and the little trinket that she spent her time searching for, buying, wrapping and shipping, I would sit down and write her a Thank You card that not only included a detailed list of everything she sent, but also an update on how I was doing. One time I even asked her when her birthday was so that I could send HER a card and make sure she felt as loved as I did on my birthday but she never responded with an answer. No, she didn't want anything from me; except for the rare card and the even rarer visit to see her.
I was the closest thing she would ever have to a child of her own. She joined the convent at an early age and devoted most of her life as a nurse to working in the Delivery Room, counselor teenage mothers and, later in life, devoting most of her time to AIDS patients and the elderly. She sacrificed her own possibility for children so that she could help other people's children into the world, help them when they found themselves scared and pregnant at sixteen, suffering from a weakened immune system as a result of the AIDS virus, and comforting them as they eased their way into death.
Today I did not get a birthday card from Sister Margaret Mary,
(Happy, Happy Birthday...)
but the absence of that card
(Today's Your Special Day...)
is much deeper than the lack of its delivery.
(Happy, Happy Birthday)
Instead,
(May All Your Dreams Come True)
as the day winds down,
(Happy, Happy Birthday)
the one she helped usher me into,
(From Me-e-e To You)
I find myself with one less friend on the list.
*card sent out to loved ones asking for their prayers.
Today's Your Special Day!
Happy, Happy Birthday!
That's Why I'm Here to Say!
oh Happy, Happy Birthday!
May All Your Dreams Come True!
Happy, Happy Birthday!
From Me-e-e To You!
Jill is the first one to call barring any major catastrophe. She likes to make sure I know that she loves me the most. And she likes to sing me the Birthday Song when I'm still warm and squishy from a restful night's sleep. With no catastrophe to speak of, my first phone call today was from her. She called five more times throughout the day. In her last message she told me the story of how mom and dad were visiting her on her birthday last year and she woke up to find that mom had placed Post-Its all over the house that read "Happy Birthday, Jilly". So in her own special way, as she put it, she was calling me throughout the day to make sure I felt as loved as she did on her birthday; and loved I did feel.
Since I moved around so much growing up, I am proud to say I've wrangled quite an extensive "friends" list. This list is great for traveling cross-country because I always have a place to stay. It is also great on my birthday because I am guaranteed at least six phone calls, a dozen emails and birthday cards trickling in for the two weeks surronding my birthday.
I like to draw my birthday out. Similar to Christmas, the fun is over when it's time to clean up the wrapping paper, so I make it last as long as possible. Last night Logic agreed to let me open the gifts he gave me and then this morning I unwrapped the new Wellies from his family. But there was still a box and half a dozen cards that I wanted to save until I got home from work. So when we returned home, I was excited to see another four cards in the mail for me! Before opening the cards Logic was dying for me to open the last box, so I obliged. It was from Lilikoi and Ranger and it was full of my favorite things: PB M&Ms, Lush bath products and some Hawaiian tea.
Next I decided to open my cards. Organizing them in the order I wanted to open them, I noticed that the card from my Godmother had a return address from California even though she lives in Washington. I knew she had a sister near San Francisco and assumed that she was visiting her. When it came time to open her card, which she sends every year, I was surprised to find a note fall out with a pictures of the Virgin Mary on it. This wasn't typical for her. She usually sent me cute cards with puppies or flowers on it but I still turned it over expecting to see the familiar hand-writing wishing me a Happy Birthday. When I turned the card over, I saw that it was a Mass Card*. What happened next took a few minutes for me to register.
My breath caught in my throat and I grappled to find the piece of paper that fell out of the envelope when I hastily pulled out the card. Finding the paper, I flipped it over. Logic looked on, expecting me to tell him how my Godmother was doing and to read him the kind words she most definitely had written. He was nearly as shocked as I was when the words "she's dead" fell out of my mouth. The next few minutes, I just sat on the couch reading and re-reading the card:
We are saddened to let you know that our sister, Margaret, died on September 21, 2008at Lourdes Medical Center in Pasco, Washington due to complications of cancer.
Please remember our family and the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet, of which she was a member for 52 years.
With love,
(her family)
I put the note down, exasperated.
"They didn't even say how she died!".
Logic picked up the note and scoured every line.
"Cancer", he whispered.
I had read the card five times and missed that fucking C word every time. I must have seen it but couldn't absorb it; didn't want to believe it.
I was still expecting my birthday card.
She was the nurse in my delivery room. And since the day I was born when she cradled me before handing me to my dad, she has always sent me a card. She would usually include a cheesy gift that I would be embarrassed to show anyone. Being a nun, she was delightfully out of touch when it came to the latest toys and instead sent me a home-made apron or a magnet with my name on it or an oven mitt. Things I took for granted because I didn't expect the gifts to stop coming. But as I sit here, reeling from the news, I wish I had shown that rooster magnet off to all of my friends and that I'd worn that apron at least once. Now I don't even know where they are.
I know she wouldn't be hurt by my lack of interest in her gifts. She and I both knew that it wasn't about the gifts at all. It was about that day, now twenty nine years ago, when she helped my parents bring me into this world and how special we both knew we were to each other.
Every year, after opening her card and the little trinket that she spent her time searching for, buying, wrapping and shipping, I would sit down and write her a Thank You card that not only included a detailed list of everything she sent, but also an update on how I was doing. One time I even asked her when her birthday was so that I could send HER a card and make sure she felt as loved as I did on my birthday but she never responded with an answer. No, she didn't want anything from me; except for the rare card and the even rarer visit to see her.
I was the closest thing she would ever have to a child of her own. She joined the convent at an early age and devoted most of her life as a nurse to working in the Delivery Room, counselor teenage mothers and, later in life, devoting most of her time to AIDS patients and the elderly. She sacrificed her own possibility for children so that she could help other people's children into the world, help them when they found themselves scared and pregnant at sixteen, suffering from a weakened immune system as a result of the AIDS virus, and comforting them as they eased their way into death.
Today I did not get a birthday card from Sister Margaret Mary,
(Happy, Happy Birthday...)
but the absence of that card
(Today's Your Special Day...)
is much deeper than the lack of its delivery.
(Happy, Happy Birthday)
Instead,
(May All Your Dreams Come True)
as the day winds down,
(Happy, Happy Birthday)
the one she helped usher me into,
(From Me-e-e To You)
I find myself with one less friend on the list.
*card sent out to loved ones asking for their prayers.
October 08, 2008
October 07, 2008
The Right Place at the Right Time
I was walking out of a restroom this morning when a woman walked in and I noticed that she was crying. I had just gone for a walk because I needed to clear my head. I was thinking about Thoreau and how he believed that man is, at its core, truly unhappy. He believed that sometimes those thoughts of displeasure are tucked away but they tend to resurface now and again; reminding man that he is unsatisfied with his life. (An interesting tidbit: In Buddhism, that philosophy is called Dukkha and is roughly translated to mean living with suffering.)
With Thoreau's thoughts on my mind and the walk behind me, I decided to go into the restroom for one final moment to myself before heading back to work. I allowed myself a few minutes to strategize about how I was going to manage the hectic weeks ahead of me and then I focused on the one part of me that was seeing those thoughts float by and I cleared everything else out of my mind. I sat there for a while - just being - and I felt somewhat restored. And at the moment when I felt that I had accomplished my task of shoving out the negative thoughts, I ran into that woman at the sinks. She was wiping a few tears from her face; attempting to hide her crying but it was obvious that she was shaken up. As a woman, it isn't rare to see another women visibly upset in a restroom so you learn to gauge people's needs; whether they need someone to talk to or whether they need to be alone. This woman looked scared and vulnerable so I decided to see if she was okay.
She was receptive to my concern and told me about her recent Epileptic attack. She said she is given enough warning to be able to brace herself but unfortunately, this time she was around a group of co-workers and was mortified when she began to seize. As soon as she regained control of her body, she rushed to the restroom to regain her composure. There's a possibility that she wished she'd been alone in that bathroom, but I hope that she was as relieved to run into me as I was to run into her. Maybe for her I needed to be there because she needed someone to sympathize with her epilepsy. And for me, maybe she was there because I needed genuine human interaction; I needed my day to mean something; something other than meaning to make money. I'm sorry that my sense of fulfillment came at her expense but the next time I'm having a rough day I hope to remember that maybe my discomfort is helping someone else to feel fulfilled by helping me.
With Thoreau's thoughts on my mind and the walk behind me, I decided to go into the restroom for one final moment to myself before heading back to work. I allowed myself a few minutes to strategize about how I was going to manage the hectic weeks ahead of me and then I focused on the one part of me that was seeing those thoughts float by and I cleared everything else out of my mind. I sat there for a while - just being - and I felt somewhat restored. And at the moment when I felt that I had accomplished my task of shoving out the negative thoughts, I ran into that woman at the sinks. She was wiping a few tears from her face; attempting to hide her crying but it was obvious that she was shaken up. As a woman, it isn't rare to see another women visibly upset in a restroom so you learn to gauge people's needs; whether they need someone to talk to or whether they need to be alone. This woman looked scared and vulnerable so I decided to see if she was okay.
She was receptive to my concern and told me about her recent Epileptic attack. She said she is given enough warning to be able to brace herself but unfortunately, this time she was around a group of co-workers and was mortified when she began to seize. As soon as she regained control of her body, she rushed to the restroom to regain her composure. There's a possibility that she wished she'd been alone in that bathroom, but I hope that she was as relieved to run into me as I was to run into her. Maybe for her I needed to be there because she needed someone to sympathize with her epilepsy. And for me, maybe she was there because I needed genuine human interaction; I needed my day to mean something; something other than meaning to make money. I'm sorry that my sense of fulfillment came at her expense but the next time I'm having a rough day I hope to remember that maybe my discomfort is helping someone else to feel fulfilled by helping me.
September 25, 2008
Back in Session
So last night was the beginning of Autumn quarter and classes were good. I knew a few people in my first class but my friend from last year's English class will most likely be dropping the class since she doesn't care for the professor. My second class had a few people in it from the first class but no one I know.. yet. I'm sure it'll be fine. My only concern is walking between and after classes now that it's dark at 7:00. Last night there were a few people walking in the same direction as me so I felt safe but the pathways aren't well lit so I need to find a walking buddy.
Both professors/classes are intriguing. My first class "The Contemporary Novel" is a Literary Critiquing class with a focus on the psychology of the author. VERY interesting. Then the second class "Early American Literature" will have me reading a lot of prose and writing about my interpretations in a daily journal. Also interesting. That class is going to be kind of intense and he warned us in advance that the reading will be difficult - but I can handle it! The professor in that class is very eccentric and has the weirdest whirly, fuzzy combover I've ever seen. It's like an afro-over. That alone should keep my interest. He also has a unique sense of humor that I enjoyed last night.
Over all, I give the classes a strong A so far.
Both professors/classes are intriguing. My first class "The Contemporary Novel" is a Literary Critiquing class with a focus on the psychology of the author. VERY interesting. Then the second class "Early American Literature" will have me reading a lot of prose and writing about my interpretations in a daily journal. Also interesting. That class is going to be kind of intense and he warned us in advance that the reading will be difficult - but I can handle it! The professor in that class is very eccentric and has the weirdest whirly, fuzzy combover I've ever seen. It's like an afro-over. That alone should keep my interest. He also has a unique sense of humor that I enjoyed last night.
Over all, I give the classes a strong A so far.
September 24, 2008
I'm Over It
Sometimes I get caught up in the ideals of what I wish my marriage was. Then I realize that what I have isn't so bad. It's no fairytale but it's good.
My life with Logic is fun and unpredictable. He is a great dancer and an even more adept comedian. He is a caring man who loves his family and does all that he can to help his friends. He is sometimes logical to a fault and he has a hard time completing projects. But his faults are my strengths and vice versa.
He is the Malbec to my Manchego.
Since my last post we talked and I re-learned that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. He still appreciates me and wants to celebrate the accomplishment of 10 years together. But he also wants to see his sister settle into her new place. This is a big move for her and we are both proud and excited.
There are so many things about marriage that people didn't explain to me. But even though I often find myself surprised by its unexpected facets, I am loving every minute of it.
My life with Logic is fun and unpredictable. He is a great dancer and an even more adept comedian. He is a caring man who loves his family and does all that he can to help his friends. He is sometimes logical to a fault and he has a hard time completing projects. But his faults are my strengths and vice versa.
He is the Malbec to my Manchego.
Since my last post we talked and I re-learned that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. He still appreciates me and wants to celebrate the accomplishment of 10 years together. But he also wants to see his sister settle into her new place. This is a big move for her and we are both proud and excited.
There are so many things about marriage that people didn't explain to me. But even though I often find myself surprised by its unexpected facets, I am loving every minute of it.
September 23, 2008
10 Years
Next week will be the 10 year anniversary of Logic's and my first kiss. Since that time, it has been like pulling teeth to get him to celebrate anniversaries and Valentine's Days. I knew he wasn't a romantic guy when I married him but I guess I was still holding out that one day he would surprise me and I'd come home to find my bags packed and all the details arranged so we could slip away to Fiji for the week.
Okay, so that's a little extreme - especially coming from someone who thinks that Valentine's Day is too contrived and that he shouldn't be told when to buy me flowers or chocolates. But a girl can dream, right?
Last night I realized that's what it is... a dream. I guess this whole time I've been waiting for something to happen without realizing it's just a figment of my imagination. So I'm sure you can understand why I was upset when I learned that his sister's move-in date for her new apartment was pushed back yet another week and he wants to spend our 10 year anniversary helping her unpack. It was at that very moment that I realized my dream wouldn't be coming true.
Okay, so that's a little extreme - especially coming from someone who thinks that Valentine's Day is too contrived and that he shouldn't be told when to buy me flowers or chocolates. But a girl can dream, right?
Last night I realized that's what it is... a dream. I guess this whole time I've been waiting for something to happen without realizing it's just a figment of my imagination. So I'm sure you can understand why I was upset when I learned that his sister's move-in date for her new apartment was pushed back yet another week and he wants to spend our 10 year anniversary helping her unpack. It was at that very moment that I realized my dream wouldn't be coming true.
September 22, 2008
Dear Valued Reader (Singular),
Work has me exhausted. I am growing to loathe it with every inch of my being. It has started creeping up into my shoulders, for which I am now getting regular massages. Seriously.
School starts on Wednesday and I can't wait to have something to look forward to again. I'll be reading Thoreau, Emerson, Melville and more contemporary authors such as McCarthy and Satrapi. I will learn to see things in a new light; to experience reading as more than just a casual past-time. I will have a chance to dig deep into my psyche and see what I can pull out. (I just cleaned out my garage over the weekend, so it's only fitting that I clean out what's in my head too.)
This blog is probably not going to be interesting enough for anyone to follow so you may as well remove me from your bloglines list. Sporadic at best, my future posts will probably be about how fictional characters are changing my life.
Sorry in advance,
Amaya
School starts on Wednesday and I can't wait to have something to look forward to again. I'll be reading Thoreau, Emerson, Melville and more contemporary authors such as McCarthy and Satrapi. I will learn to see things in a new light; to experience reading as more than just a casual past-time. I will have a chance to dig deep into my psyche and see what I can pull out. (I just cleaned out my garage over the weekend, so it's only fitting that I clean out what's in my head too.)
This blog is probably not going to be interesting enough for anyone to follow so you may as well remove me from your bloglines list. Sporadic at best, my future posts will probably be about how fictional characters are changing my life.
Sorry in advance,
Amaya
September 16, 2008
Kihl and His Baby Mama
A few months back I mentioned how my brother, Kihl, told me that he was going to be a dad and how I thought he was just fucking with me like he always does. Then a few factors came into play that lead me to believe that he may have been telling the truth. 1) My sister called and spoke with such a high pitch that I couldn't understand her but after calming her down, I discovered that Kihl told her that his girlfriend was pregnant and that I was the only other person who knew. 2)About a month after that I got a phone call from my parents, who also were so excited that it was hard to understand them. But I was still trepidatious because afterall, it was Kihl.
But today I sit with invitation in hand, waiting in anticipation for this afternoon when I am going to Kihl's house for a bbq and actually SEEING his girlfriend. This will be the defining moment.
I'll keep you posted...
But today I sit with invitation in hand, waiting in anticipation for this afternoon when I am going to Kihl's house for a bbq and actually SEEING his girlfriend. This will be the defining moment.
I'll keep you posted...
September 15, 2008
I Should Have Known Better Than to Assume I would Learn Something From the News
Don't you just hate it when you hear a news piece that piques your interest only to find out it was a stupidly-obvious answer?
Example:
"Where to get your textbooks at a great price... Find out after the break"....
"Getting your textbooks just got easier, and cheaper! You can actually go online to such retailers as amazon.com or abebooks.com and get them at bargain prices!"
NO SHIT!
So I'm looking through MSNBC and I see "never wait in line at a museum again." I think cool, they're going to explain the times of days that people typically go and what days of the week are least busy. Nope. "Get a private tour. only $95!!!" A-holes!
(btw - that textbook example was a real news piece on King 5 about two weeks ago)
Example:
"Where to get your textbooks at a great price... Find out after the break"....
"Getting your textbooks just got easier, and cheaper! You can actually go online to such retailers as amazon.com or abebooks.com and get them at bargain prices!"
NO SHIT!
So I'm looking through MSNBC and I see "never wait in line at a museum again." I think cool, they're going to explain the times of days that people typically go and what days of the week are least busy. Nope. "Get a private tour. only $95!!!" A-holes!
(btw - that textbook example was a real news piece on King 5 about two weeks ago)
September 11, 2008
September 05, 2008
A Must Read
I have a great fondness for Thematically Fickle for many reasons:
1) Her writing inspires me to try and formulate my thoughts in an equally jaw-dropping fashion.
2) She has the cojones to speak her mind, uncensored, at all times.
3) I feel smarter for having read her posts.
4) A lot of other stuff...
Today's is no exception. In fact, it is an example of the 4 reasons I gave. Please take the time to read her post "The party of the white…er…I mean “the right”".
(The fact that Obama is taking the high road and handling this criticism (among much, much more) in such a dignified way says a lot about his character, don't you think?)
1) Her writing inspires me to try and formulate my thoughts in an equally jaw-dropping fashion.
2) She has the cojones to speak her mind, uncensored, at all times.
3) I feel smarter for having read her posts.
4) A lot of other stuff...
Today's is no exception. In fact, it is an example of the 4 reasons I gave. Please take the time to read her post "The party of the white…er…I mean “the right”".
(The fact that Obama is taking the high road and handling this criticism (among much, much more) in such a dignified way says a lot about his character, don't you think?)
If This Doesn't Make You Smile, I Don't Know What Will
These pictures can be found on CuteOverload.com. I just had to share. Doesn't it make you want a kitty?
September 02, 2008
Let Me See if I've Got This Right...
This is cause for concern regarding our need to uphold the 'sanctity' of marriage?
But this isn't?
But this isn't?
August 29, 2008
#14
Oh Stu, what can I say? It's the end of an era: you are retiring from hockey.
You taught me to love the game as the star of the Tri-City Americans and it continued to when you moved up to the big leagues with the Winnipeg Jets.
Sure, we had some rough times. Like that time when I asked for your hockey stick and you told me no. But I forgave you; and continued to collect your autographs on hockey pucks and jerseys for years to come. I have been a consistent fan of your career from the beginning. But now we've reached the end of a chapter. You'll be moving on to an Assistant Coaching position with the Dallas Stars, and for that I congratulate you. But what am I supposed to do without #14 on the ice?
Luckily for me, Olie the Goalie is still playing. But I sure will miss you.
August 23, 2008
Thank You for the Thank You
My friend Uppity has many talents; one of them being card-making. After attending her 40th birthday soiree, she hand delivered this thank you card to me. Unbeknownst to her, a thank you card is the fastest way to my heart.
I truly appreciate the time it took for her to not only write a very thoughtful note but also to make the card with which the note "was written and placed on the desk" (sorry, that's a little So I Married an Axe Murderer humor).
Thank you for the Thank You, Uppity.
I truly appreciate the time it took for her to not only write a very thoughtful note but also to make the card with which the note "was written and placed on the desk" (sorry, that's a little So I Married an Axe Murderer humor).
Thank you for the Thank You, Uppity.
August 20, 2008
The Cutest Man in the World, Part 7 Million
This morning as we were getting ready to leave for work, Logic saw a huge-ass spider in our doorway. We were in a hurry so he left it where it was but after driving up the hill and realizing he forgot his wallet, he drove back home to retrieve it. And as he was walking back to the car I spied him from the rear-view mirror bringing the spider down the driveway in a glass cup and letting it go near the bushes.
I love that man.
I love that man.
Oh LeRoi
Isn't it true that music can cause so many emotions? Not only in the midst of music, but in its absence?
Today I am very sad because of music. One of the founding members of the Dave Matthews Band passed away yesterday due to complications from a recent ATV accident. He was only 46.
August 18, 2008
Genius Thought for the Day
I've decided email forwards are a lot like religion - people are scared into participation
August 13, 2008
2 For 1
To consolidate since I'm short on time, I'd like to announce 2 Douchebag Award Winners at one time.
The first goes to a man who gave a douchey impression when I had the opportunity to meet him 2 years ago and has since done nothing but support my case ever since.
The second award goes out to the nameless man who decided to walk upwind from me and light a cigarette in a non-smoking area during my break. Thanks for that.
The first goes to a man who gave a douchey impression when I had the opportunity to meet him 2 years ago and has since done nothing but support my case ever since.
The second award goes out to the nameless man who decided to walk upwind from me and light a cigarette in a non-smoking area during my break. Thanks for that.
July 30, 2008
No Vacancy
In the past few weeks I've had a number of guests pass through my house. Typically I love company but lately I've been craving my space. The idea of sleeping in on a weekend seems like a thing of the past and I can't remember the last time I ran through the house in my undies to grab some orange juice from the fridge.
Don't get me wrong, I've loved everyone who has come by but I wish they'd been a little bit more spread out.
For the next month Logic and I have no obligations - and I want to keep it that way. So for now I'm putting up a No Vacancy sign in the hopes that we'll be left alone.
Don't get me wrong, I've loved everyone who has come by but I wish they'd been a little bit more spread out.
For the next month Logic and I have no obligations - and I want to keep it that way. So for now I'm putting up a No Vacancy sign in the hopes that we'll be left alone.
July 28, 2008
Poem With My Eyes Closed
So tired today.
When will life slow down?
Just in time for school to start?
Friends coming from every direction.
Oregon, Idaho, Michigan and Hawaii
Plus a few trips of my own.
Michigan, Oregon, Vancouver, B.C.
No rest in sight.
Another one comes this week.
And she brings with her a challenge.
Recovery from surgery.
Maybe this is why Winter is needed?
The pace slows down
And no one wants to visit Seattle.
When will life slow down?
Just in time for school to start?
Friends coming from every direction.
Oregon, Idaho, Michigan and Hawaii
Plus a few trips of my own.
Michigan, Oregon, Vancouver, B.C.
No rest in sight.
Another one comes this week.
And she brings with her a challenge.
Recovery from surgery.
Maybe this is why Winter is needed?
The pace slows down
And no one wants to visit Seattle.
July 25, 2008
Dropping in To Say Hello
Yesterday we spent 4 hours in the car due to an hour at the US border (in the sweltering heat, no less) coming back from Vancouver and today we will spend another 3 driving to Portland. Beer is the theme of the week and we have yet to be disappointed.
Candian beer, Washington beer, Oregon beer, New York beer.. and this is all before the Beer Fest this weekend. Here's hoping I remember enough to write about it next week.
Candian beer, Washington beer, Oregon beer, New York beer.. and this is all before the Beer Fest this weekend. Here's hoping I remember enough to write about it next week.
July 22, 2008
From Molly
After reading Eat, Pray, Love two times, I saw that Elizabeth Gilbert was on Oprah and I watched diligently. I even took notes. The book came into my life at a time when I really needed it and I was absorbing anything and everything I could find in relation to it.
In the interview remember Elizabeth saying that she really just wrote it for herself as a sort of ladder to help herself out of the dark hole that she was in. I loved that imagery because I often saw myself slipping into the abyss during a panic attack and the image of climbing out on a ladder was really powerful.
Her interview was really interesting, inspiring and thought provoking but what stands out the most was when she said that she wrote in her journal every night and she always filled out two columns. In one column she finished this sentence: "What I really, really, really want is..." and in the other column she finished "My favorite thing about today was.."
Today is going to be a really great day! First of all, I got to sleep in because Logic had to go to Olympia for work and we weren't able to carpool. Second, I woke up to George resting his head on my face and purring. And third, one of my dearest friends Lilikoi and her dear, dear husband, Ranger are coming to visit tonight. I haven't seen them in a little over a year and I am jumping up and down with excitement.
But in spite of all of the amazing things that have and will happen today, when I crawl into bed tonight I am going to finish "My favorite thing about today was..." with "getting this picture from Molly."
July 21, 2008
Learning From My Cousin
Andy and Eric drove back into the city Friday afternoon. After a week of camping they chose to park at the south end of the city and walk through downtown to meet Logic and I at the north end for dinner. After dinner the four of us walked back to the south end for a Mariner's game (which totally kicked ass by the way).
The next morning Andy and Eric accompanied me to the gym where they took their very first yoga class. We got to the gym about 45 minutes before yoga and Eric decided he wanted to run on the treadmill but Andy agreed to sneak into my favorite Hip Hop class with me. We'd already missed 2 out of the 3 sections but someone was nice enough to catch us up in time to dance the whole thing through. Andy was holding his own, especially for someone who'd never taken the class before. I stopped a few times to encourage him and see how he was doing even though I knew - he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. After telling me how much fun he was having, Andy got serious for a second. "This is so far out of my comfort zone; and I am loving it!"
As soon as he said it, I knew how important it was for me to remember that. He and Eric flew across the country with sleeping bags and tents. They picked up a rental car at the airport and let the wind lead them around the state. They hiked 20 miles to a campsite, swam in hot springs, met some interesting people and journaled the whole trip through writing and pictures. They were in their element and living to seek new experiences. It was invigorating to watch.
Here I am, living in my condo in a safe part of Seattle and I have panic attacks over the weather, the course of my life, the death of my family and my short-comings while all along there have been people out there who just live. And love it.
Also, I learned that you can eat instant oatmeal out of the packet.
My cousin is very smart.
The next morning Andy and Eric accompanied me to the gym where they took their very first yoga class. We got to the gym about 45 minutes before yoga and Eric decided he wanted to run on the treadmill but Andy agreed to sneak into my favorite Hip Hop class with me. We'd already missed 2 out of the 3 sections but someone was nice enough to catch us up in time to dance the whole thing through. Andy was holding his own, especially for someone who'd never taken the class before. I stopped a few times to encourage him and see how he was doing even though I knew - he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. After telling me how much fun he was having, Andy got serious for a second. "This is so far out of my comfort zone; and I am loving it!"
As soon as he said it, I knew how important it was for me to remember that. He and Eric flew across the country with sleeping bags and tents. They picked up a rental car at the airport and let the wind lead them around the state. They hiked 20 miles to a campsite, swam in hot springs, met some interesting people and journaled the whole trip through writing and pictures. They were in their element and living to seek new experiences. It was invigorating to watch.
Here I am, living in my condo in a safe part of Seattle and I have panic attacks over the weather, the course of my life, the death of my family and my short-comings while all along there have been people out there who just live. And love it.
Also, I learned that you can eat instant oatmeal out of the packet.
My cousin is very smart.
July 17, 2008
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Last night as I was lying in bed, Logic was in the shower so George took the opportunity to come cuddle with me. I was lying on my side, head resting on one arm while the other one was petting him. And because of the angle I was in, I could feel the cool, quick breaths coming from George's pink nose. I rubbed under his chin, around his ears, on his nose; all his favorite places. And although he didn't purr (which is rare), the sensation of having his soft breath on my face was reward enough. I basked in the kitty-love for a minute or two until I heard the shower turn off. Knowing that 1) as soon as Logic entered the room George would scamper as if he'd never cared an ounce for me in the first place and 2) as soon as Logic entered the room I might forget what happened, so I needed to write it down.
July 14, 2008
Og Mandino
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
I Need a Weekend to Recuperate From My Weekend - and So Will You After You Finish Reading This
After work on Friday, I met up with Logic and some of his co-workers at Taphouse for a birthday party. There must have been at least 20 people that showed up and we managed to find 2 large booths next to each other. It was chaotic, loud, and fun; just what any 23 year old wants out of a birthday. We stayed until 10:00 and I was still wide awake when we got home so I watched t.v. until midnight and before convincing myself that sleep was required.
When I woke up on Saturday it was too late for my Hip-Hop class but I still had time to make 11:30 Yoga. I hadn't been in over a month and it took some serious self-discipline to get off my ass and go there but I'm so glad I went. I have yet to find anything that compares to the way I feel after a good yoga class.
After class I had to run some errands so I didn't get home until 4:00. I had three hours to get ready for Lach and Bayou's housewarming party so the first thing I did was lie on the couch. At 6:00 I decided that I should probably shower before we left ( ;)). A half hour later Logic came into the bathroom to tell me I missed a phone call. So I checked my messages and it was my cousin Andy from Michigan.
He had contacted me earlier in the week to tell me that he and his friend, Eric were going to be in Washington. They were taking a ten-day camping trip through the Cascades and Olympics and figured they'd be in Seattle early next week. Well, after three days in the Cascades they decided they'd seen enough and were driving into the city. They wanted suggestions for a good bar and we ended up meeting them at Pike's Place Pub and Brewery later that night. But first we drove over to Lachlan and Bayou's and spent some quality time with twenty of their closest friends.
By the time Andy and Eric reached Seattle it was after 10. When they called and asked if we wanted to meet up with them downtown I thought we'd say hi and head home. Wrong! We ended up staying there until midnight and then bringing the party back to our place. Toward the end of the night I asked where they were staying and they both went silent. We offered to let them crash on our floor and they were adamant that they didn't want to impose. Their plan was to continue driving until they reached the coast and then to sleep in their rental car but Logic and I insisted they stay with us (boy did they trick us into thinking it was our idea ;)). We were all exhausted but we still managed to stay up until 2 am talking! Finally, the conversation started to slow down and I suggested we get some sleep.
After rubbing the sleep out of our eyes, we went to Alki Cafe for breakfast on Sunday morning. It was a beautiful day so we took the guys on a walk around Alki Point before heading back to the condo so they could take a quick nap before hitting the road. They left around 1, which gave Logic and I just enough time to shower before driving over to Daniel's. We met up with Daniel and Ishmael and then walked over to McCormick's for a quick drink before setting sail on an Argosy Lakes Cruise around Lakes Union and Washington. It was the perfect weather! The sun was high in the sky and the breeze off the water was just enough to cool us down. The cruise lasted about 2 hours (not a three hour tour) and turned out to be very educational and entertaining (insert booze cruise).
We docked around 5:00 and walked across the street to Buca di Beppo's for dinner. I ate myself into a food coma and was ready to head home but the boys wanted to play the wii so we drove over to Ishmael's. I crashed on his couch while the boys played. I was so tired that I didn't even care whether or not I snored in the midst of their game playing. I woke up at 8:30 and suggested that Logic and I go home. We walked through the door, exhausted, around 9 but I didn't get to bed until 10:30 because a friend called to finalize her plans to visit at the end of the month.
It looks like Justin and I may have a few days to recover but if this week is anything like last, we'll have spontaneous phone calls from out of town friends and relatives and not get much rest at all. I sure hope we get a break though. Andy and Eric will be coming back on Friday and staying the night before flying back to Michigan on Saturday evening. When they get back on Friday we'll be meeting up with them for dinner and a Mariner's game. And before their flight on Saturday night, we'll also be showing them around the city. They seemed interested in going to the Space Needle and seeing Doc's Underground Tour and I'm guessing there will be some more drinking involved. Yes, I will definitely need to recuperate before they come back.
When I woke up on Saturday it was too late for my Hip-Hop class but I still had time to make 11:30 Yoga. I hadn't been in over a month and it took some serious self-discipline to get off my ass and go there but I'm so glad I went. I have yet to find anything that compares to the way I feel after a good yoga class.
After class I had to run some errands so I didn't get home until 4:00. I had three hours to get ready for Lach and Bayou's housewarming party so the first thing I did was lie on the couch. At 6:00 I decided that I should probably shower before we left ( ;)). A half hour later Logic came into the bathroom to tell me I missed a phone call. So I checked my messages and it was my cousin Andy from Michigan.
He had contacted me earlier in the week to tell me that he and his friend, Eric were going to be in Washington. They were taking a ten-day camping trip through the Cascades and Olympics and figured they'd be in Seattle early next week. Well, after three days in the Cascades they decided they'd seen enough and were driving into the city. They wanted suggestions for a good bar and we ended up meeting them at Pike's Place Pub and Brewery later that night. But first we drove over to Lachlan and Bayou's and spent some quality time with twenty of their closest friends.
By the time Andy and Eric reached Seattle it was after 10. When they called and asked if we wanted to meet up with them downtown I thought we'd say hi and head home. Wrong! We ended up staying there until midnight and then bringing the party back to our place. Toward the end of the night I asked where they were staying and they both went silent. We offered to let them crash on our floor and they were adamant that they didn't want to impose. Their plan was to continue driving until they reached the coast and then to sleep in their rental car but Logic and I insisted they stay with us (boy did they trick us into thinking it was our idea ;)). We were all exhausted but we still managed to stay up until 2 am talking! Finally, the conversation started to slow down and I suggested we get some sleep.
After rubbing the sleep out of our eyes, we went to Alki Cafe for breakfast on Sunday morning. It was a beautiful day so we took the guys on a walk around Alki Point before heading back to the condo so they could take a quick nap before hitting the road. They left around 1, which gave Logic and I just enough time to shower before driving over to Daniel's. We met up with Daniel and Ishmael and then walked over to McCormick's for a quick drink before setting sail on an Argosy Lakes Cruise around Lakes Union and Washington. It was the perfect weather! The sun was high in the sky and the breeze off the water was just enough to cool us down. The cruise lasted about 2 hours (not a three hour tour) and turned out to be very educational and entertaining (insert booze cruise).
We docked around 5:00 and walked across the street to Buca di Beppo's for dinner. I ate myself into a food coma and was ready to head home but the boys wanted to play the wii so we drove over to Ishmael's. I crashed on his couch while the boys played. I was so tired that I didn't even care whether or not I snored in the midst of their game playing. I woke up at 8:30 and suggested that Logic and I go home. We walked through the door, exhausted, around 9 but I didn't get to bed until 10:30 because a friend called to finalize her plans to visit at the end of the month.
It looks like Justin and I may have a few days to recover but if this week is anything like last, we'll have spontaneous phone calls from out of town friends and relatives and not get much rest at all. I sure hope we get a break though. Andy and Eric will be coming back on Friday and staying the night before flying back to Michigan on Saturday evening. When they get back on Friday we'll be meeting up with them for dinner and a Mariner's game. And before their flight on Saturday night, we'll also be showing them around the city. They seemed interested in going to the Space Needle and seeing Doc's Underground Tour and I'm guessing there will be some more drinking involved. Yes, I will definitely need to recuperate before they come back.
July 11, 2008
Weezer
When I was younger
I used to go and tip cows for fun, yeah
Actually I didn't do that
'Cos I didn't want the cow to be sad
But some of my friends did
They were all just a little bit wicked
I used to go and tip cows for fun, yeah
Actually I didn't do that
'Cos I didn't want the cow to be sad
But some of my friends did
They were all just a little bit wicked
The Week In Hangovers
Monday:
3 glasses of wine while watching the finale of The Bachelorette with Liz.
Tuesday:
2 glasses of wine when Daniel and Ishmael came over for dinner.
Wednesday:
nap/rejuvinate
Thursday:
1 glass of wine, a margarita and 2 beers with Corynn and her family
Today:
Happy Hour with Logic's co-workers
Saturday:
Housewarming party with copious amounts of wine consumed (I can already guarantee that)
Sunday:
Lake cruise with Daniel and definite drinking involved.
My poor liver. Next week my cousin will be in town and I know he's a drinker and after that Lilikoi and Ranger are visiting for four days. The last time they were here we racked up a $200 bill at Fox Sports and Lilikoi and I spent the next 2 days recovering...
3 glasses of wine while watching the finale of The Bachelorette with Liz.
Tuesday:
2 glasses of wine when Daniel and Ishmael came over for dinner.
Wednesday:
nap/rejuvinate
Thursday:
1 glass of wine, a margarita and 2 beers with Corynn and her family
Today:
Happy Hour with Logic's co-workers
Saturday:
Housewarming party with copious amounts of wine consumed (I can already guarantee that)
Sunday:
Lake cruise with Daniel and definite drinking involved.
My poor liver. Next week my cousin will be in town and I know he's a drinker and after that Lilikoi and Ranger are visiting for four days. The last time they were here we racked up a $200 bill at Fox Sports and Lilikoi and I spent the next 2 days recovering...
July 10, 2008
It's Either This or Jumping Out the Window
I have been working on a mind-numbing report for the majority of the day and feel as if I'm about to lose my last brain cell. So after zooming around the internet for a while, I decided to copy and paste this meme from Lach. (Thanks for giving me something to do.)
1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? An umbrella, a book from last semester and an empty Gatorade bottle
2. When was the last time you threw up? Last fall
3. What’s your favorite curse word? Motherfucker
4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? My dad, Jade and Dominique
5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Leaving the gym
6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Stalling, just as I am now
7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? Having dinner with an old friend
8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes and I highly recommend it (gag).
9. What is the last thing you said aloud? "Oooh! I have a voicemail!"
10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Cookie Dough
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
13. What was the last thing you ate? Doritos
14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Not yet. ;)
15. When was the last time you ran? This morning
16. What’s the last sporting event you watched? Wimbledon
18. Who is the last person you emailed? Gene and Todd simultaneously
19. Ever go camping? Just went last weekend. It sucked.
20. Do you have a tan? Barely
24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Rarely
21. What did your last IM say? "Guess what I had for dinner last night?" (to a person who makes fun of me for eating cereal for dinner.)
22. Are you someone’s best friend? Yes
23. What are you doing tomorrow? Playing with my new phone
24. Where is your mom right now? In New Mexico
25. Look to your left, what do you see? A big window looking out to blue skies, my bamboo plant, a small fan, lotion, Gatorade and gifts/pictures on my windowsill.
26. What color is your watch? Pink and it comes in the shape of my cell phone
27. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Kangaroos and Keith Urban (even though he was born in New Zealand)
28. Would you consider plastic surgery? I hope not
29. What is your birthstone? Opal
30. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I often go in. Not sure why though.
31.How many kids do you want? Eh. 0? Okay, there's a 2% chance that I may eventually want 1 or 2.
32. Do you have a dog? No
33. Last person you talked to on the phone? Jill
34. Have you met anyone famous? A few people - I talked to Patrick Ewing on the phone once, met John Edwards and David Lynch and have seen Obama from a block away (does that count?)
35. Any plans today? Dinner with a friend
36. How many states have you lived in? Hmm. Let me count it out: 1) Idaho 2) Washington 3) Oregon 4) Montana 5) Florida
37. Ever go to college? Yes
38. Where are you right now? At work, looking longingly out the window that I was forced to look out of on question #25
39. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Besides being at work? Wait.. that's the only one.
40. Last song listened to? Bleed It Out by Linkin Park
41. Are you allergic to anything? Myself, practically. All things pollen/grass/weed related.
42. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Black and tan ballet flats with a little black leather bow
43. Are you jealous of anyone? My friend Ishmael is getting a new iPhone tomorrow AND a new Z3. If he weren't so cute I'd hate him.
44. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably my friend Renee who moved back to Montana
45. What time is it? 4:00 on the dot
46. Do any of your friends have children? Yes
47. Do you eat healthy? I try to but splurge on sugary desserts.
48. What do you usually do during the day? Surf the internets looking for fraud.
49. Do you hate anyone right now? Nope
50. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily? No. I'm a "hey" or "hi" kinda girl.
51. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 29!!
52. Have you ever been to Six Flags? When I was too young to go on the fun rides.
53. How did you get one of your scars? Falling off a bike when I was in 3rd grade. I love that scar!
1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? An umbrella, a book from last semester and an empty Gatorade bottle
2. When was the last time you threw up? Last fall
3. What’s your favorite curse word? Motherfucker
4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? My dad, Jade and Dominique
5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Leaving the gym
6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Stalling, just as I am now
7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? Having dinner with an old friend
8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes and I highly recommend it (gag).
9. What is the last thing you said aloud? "Oooh! I have a voicemail!"
10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Cookie Dough
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
13. What was the last thing you ate? Doritos
14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Not yet. ;)
15. When was the last time you ran? This morning
16. What’s the last sporting event you watched? Wimbledon
18. Who is the last person you emailed? Gene and Todd simultaneously
19. Ever go camping? Just went last weekend. It sucked.
20. Do you have a tan? Barely
24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Rarely
21. What did your last IM say? "Guess what I had for dinner last night?" (to a person who makes fun of me for eating cereal for dinner.)
22. Are you someone’s best friend? Yes
23. What are you doing tomorrow? Playing with my new phone
24. Where is your mom right now? In New Mexico
25. Look to your left, what do you see? A big window looking out to blue skies, my bamboo plant, a small fan, lotion, Gatorade and gifts/pictures on my windowsill.
26. What color is your watch? Pink and it comes in the shape of my cell phone
27. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Kangaroos and Keith Urban (even though he was born in New Zealand)
28. Would you consider plastic surgery? I hope not
29. What is your birthstone? Opal
30. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I often go in. Not sure why though.
31.How many kids do you want? Eh. 0? Okay, there's a 2% chance that I may eventually want 1 or 2.
32. Do you have a dog? No
33. Last person you talked to on the phone? Jill
34. Have you met anyone famous? A few people - I talked to Patrick Ewing on the phone once, met John Edwards and David Lynch and have seen Obama from a block away (does that count?)
35. Any plans today? Dinner with a friend
36. How many states have you lived in? Hmm. Let me count it out: 1) Idaho 2) Washington 3) Oregon 4) Montana 5) Florida
37. Ever go to college? Yes
38. Where are you right now? At work, looking longingly out the window that I was forced to look out of on question #25
39. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Besides being at work? Wait.. that's the only one.
40. Last song listened to? Bleed It Out by Linkin Park
41. Are you allergic to anything? Myself, practically. All things pollen/grass/weed related.
42. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Black and tan ballet flats with a little black leather bow
43. Are you jealous of anyone? My friend Ishmael is getting a new iPhone tomorrow AND a new Z3. If he weren't so cute I'd hate him.
44. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably my friend Renee who moved back to Montana
45. What time is it? 4:00 on the dot
46. Do any of your friends have children? Yes
47. Do you eat healthy? I try to but splurge on sugary desserts.
48. What do you usually do during the day? Surf the internets looking for fraud.
49. Do you hate anyone right now? Nope
50. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily? No. I'm a "hey" or "hi" kinda girl.
51. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 29!!
52. Have you ever been to Six Flags? When I was too young to go on the fun rides.
53. How did you get one of your scars? Falling off a bike when I was in 3rd grade. I love that scar!
June 30, 2008
Evan Rachel Wood
"If I go to see a Beatles film, I want it to be weird and artistic and interesting and experimental and psychedelic and dark at times and also beautiful -- and that's what this is. - On Across the Universe."
(I saw this movie yesterday and I really liked it.)
DID YOU KNOW?
~courtesy of Lilikoi
Bananas
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little 'stringy things' off of it. That's how the primates do it. Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Cheese
Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Garlic
Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the endof the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
Reheating Refrigerated Bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
Newspaper Weeds Away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket.It will keep the mosquitoes away.
Keep Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
Flexible Vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing pantyhose.Place pin in seam of slacks and... tada!... static is gone.
Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
Foggy Windshield
Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the window s fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
Reopening Envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair.
Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Clothes Dryers
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the
dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he
took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material... I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. Well ...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free... that nice fragrance too. You know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box ...well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!
~Sadly, a friend tried the dryer sheet technique for staying off mosquitos and it did not work. Use this advice at your own risk.
Bananas
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little 'stringy things' off of it. That's how the primates do it. Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Cheese
Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Garlic
Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the endof the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
Reheating Refrigerated Bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
Newspaper Weeds Away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket.It will keep the mosquitoes away.
Keep Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
Flexible Vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing pantyhose.Place pin in seam of slacks and... tada!... static is gone.
Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
Foggy Windshield
Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the window s fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
Reopening Envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair.
Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Clothes Dryers
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the
dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he
took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material... I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. Well ...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free... that nice fragrance too. You know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box ...well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!
~Sadly, a friend tried the dryer sheet technique for staying off mosquitos and it did not work. Use this advice at your own risk.
June 28, 2008
Another Beautiful Day
Most Seattlites like to brag about suffering through nine months of clouds and rain for three months of blissful summer and I have to admit that these three months are definitely worth bragging about. Today might actually reach 90 degrees but if it does, it will be a record. Normally, the end of June is greeted with 70 and 80 degree weather and a nice cool breeze off the Puget Sound. In fact, such a breeze is blowing against my face right now.
I looked at my gym class schedule this morning and was disappointed to see that my yoga instructor isn't teaching this morning but on the up-side, Logic suggested we walk down to the water and get some coffee. We'll be leaving here in a minute and I can't guarantee that we'll be back anytime soon. We often get caught up in the beauty of the boats, kayaks, ferries and jet-skis zooming across the serene, cobalt water and the entertainment that ensues when most of Seattle tries to cram their beach blankets, barbeques and coolers onto the small Alki Beach.
Our enjoyment of the chaos is multiplied by the fact that we live just far enough off the beach that when we are home, the most noise we hear is a woodpecker slowly knocking over the unstable house next to us. We can strain our ears and still not hear horns honking, mother's yelling at their kids and music blaring from portable iPod speakers. And yet, we're still close enough that we can put on our flip-flops and casually make our way to the noise without breaking a sweat, or having to deal with the stressful ordeal of finding a parking spot.
I recently came to the conclusion that there is no where else I'd rather live, and that's a big deal as anyone who knows me would agree. The grey winters can be brutal. But I like to think of those nine months as Mother Nature's way of ensuring we get to enjoy the most beautiful three months of vibrant summer on Earth.
I looked at my gym class schedule this morning and was disappointed to see that my yoga instructor isn't teaching this morning but on the up-side, Logic suggested we walk down to the water and get some coffee. We'll be leaving here in a minute and I can't guarantee that we'll be back anytime soon. We often get caught up in the beauty of the boats, kayaks, ferries and jet-skis zooming across the serene, cobalt water and the entertainment that ensues when most of Seattle tries to cram their beach blankets, barbeques and coolers onto the small Alki Beach.
Our enjoyment of the chaos is multiplied by the fact that we live just far enough off the beach that when we are home, the most noise we hear is a woodpecker slowly knocking over the unstable house next to us. We can strain our ears and still not hear horns honking, mother's yelling at their kids and music blaring from portable iPod speakers. And yet, we're still close enough that we can put on our flip-flops and casually make our way to the noise without breaking a sweat, or having to deal with the stressful ordeal of finding a parking spot.
I recently came to the conclusion that there is no where else I'd rather live, and that's a big deal as anyone who knows me would agree. The grey winters can be brutal. But I like to think of those nine months as Mother Nature's way of ensuring we get to enjoy the most beautiful three months of vibrant summer on Earth.
June 24, 2008
Feet
I recently discovered that my niece is an artist. Her mom had been bragging for years that she was really good, but I chalked that up as maternal pride. Then I saw some of her sketches.
Ever since I laid eyes on her first sketch a few months back, I've been begging her to send me more. This morning I got my wish and I just had to share.
I'm swelling with pride right now. Oh yeah, did I mention she's 17?
Ever since I laid eyes on her first sketch a few months back, I've been begging her to send me more. This morning I got my wish and I just had to share.
I'm swelling with pride right now. Oh yeah, did I mention she's 17?
June 19, 2008
A Day With Sun
Summer starts today, and what a long time coming. Our Spring was hardly a week long so I'm hoping Summer will compensate for the lack of good weather we've been having. When the sun is out, I am a different person. The glass if half-full on these days.
I don't mind working, I don't mind sitting around doing nothing, and I don't mind the crowds of cave-dwellers that emerge and devour the sidewalks of the city. Instead I take deeper, more relaxing breaths and I find enjoyment in every thing. Feeling the warm sun on my inviting skin is an experience I cherish. I stop whatever I am doing and relish in the feeling. My eyes closed, my breathing deep and a smile engulfing my face.
Ahhh, summer.
I don't mind working, I don't mind sitting around doing nothing, and I don't mind the crowds of cave-dwellers that emerge and devour the sidewalks of the city. Instead I take deeper, more relaxing breaths and I find enjoyment in every thing. Feeling the warm sun on my inviting skin is an experience I cherish. I stop whatever I am doing and relish in the feeling. My eyes closed, my breathing deep and a smile engulfing my face.
Ahhh, summer.
June 18, 2008
Complaints
*Can the city really give two simultaneous parking tickets?
*Am I really going to eat a dozen White Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies in one sitting?
*Am I going to be able to attend school in the fall or did I royally fuck up my financial aid?
*Why can't I get my lazy ass to the gym?
*Who knew buying a new t.v. would cause the husband to stress out so much about components, location, wiring. Ay ya ya.
*What if DeAnna picks the wrong guy and it doesn't work out?
*Is Molly going to ditch me AGAIN and ruin my chances of seeing the Sex and the City movie in the theater?
*When is Logic going to do the dishes?
These are all the important issues going on in my life right now.
~ update on financial aid: the issue has been resolved. Phew!
*Am I really going to eat a dozen White Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies in one sitting?
*Am I going to be able to attend school in the fall or did I royally fuck up my financial aid?
*Why can't I get my lazy ass to the gym?
*Who knew buying a new t.v. would cause the husband to stress out so much about components, location, wiring. Ay ya ya.
*What if DeAnna picks the wrong guy and it doesn't work out?
*Is Molly going to ditch me AGAIN and ruin my chances of seeing the Sex and the City movie in the theater?
*When is Logic going to do the dishes?
These are all the important issues going on in my life right now.
~ update on financial aid: the issue has been resolved. Phew!
June 17, 2008
June 16, 2008
June 12, 2008
Obsessed with Faith
Looking back on my recent posts, it seems to be all I talk about. I guess I'm trying to figure some things out, and writing seems to be the most constructive way for me to do it. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
May 23, 2008
Just As You've Said
My friend Gail wrote a reply to some of my blogs this morning and I truly believe, just as she said, that God works in mysterious ways. One of those ways is finding a friend through flickr.
I stumbled upon Gail's flickr site over a year ago. I was having a particularly rough day and was in desperate need of some cheer. I really don't remember how I found her, but I remember saving some of her flower pictures as 'favorites' and receiving my first email about a day later. Throughout the next year we have talked about pictures, family, work and even a little bit about faith.
Here's a sample of our most recent conversation:
"in my heart I know that some day [my son] will probably understand that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." When we pray, although it makes NO logical sense, it helps us to think that we are not in this thing we called life alone. We may not understand God, and that's ok, we hardly understand the people we see with our eyes everyday!"
Her words really resonated with me and I cannot express how much I needed to hear that.
Thank you Gail.
I stumbled upon Gail's flickr site over a year ago. I was having a particularly rough day and was in desperate need of some cheer. I really don't remember how I found her, but I remember saving some of her flower pictures as 'favorites' and receiving my first email about a day later. Throughout the next year we have talked about pictures, family, work and even a little bit about faith.
Here's a sample of our most recent conversation:
"in my heart I know that some day [my son] will probably understand that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." When we pray, although it makes NO logical sense, it helps us to think that we are not in this thing we called life alone. We may not understand God, and that's ok, we hardly understand the people we see with our eyes everyday!"
Her words really resonated with me and I cannot express how much I needed to hear that.
Thank you Gail.
Jacket Season
I used to think that Summer was my favorite time of year. It probably had something to do with more vacations, the waning of my allergies and a more consistently blue sky. But now that I can take a vacation whenever I want, I have my allergies under control and I live in Seattle (where blue skies are relative) I've come to realize that Spring is by far my favorite time of the year.
In Seattle especially, spring is when everything comes out of hibernation. The flowers bloom, the birds return and everything turns from brown to green. It is a magical thing to watch.
In Seattle especially, spring is when everything comes out of hibernation. The flowers bloom, the birds return and everything turns from brown to green. It is a magical thing to watch.
May 19, 2008
No More Roseburg
With George needing his antibiotics twice a day for two weeks, Logic and I won't be able to drive down to Roseburg for a four day weekend as we'd originally planned.
We haven't been to Roseburg since Christmas, so it would have been nice to see his family but at the same time, I'm relieved that it didn't work out.
We would have driven 6 hours home on Tuesday only for me to turn around and fly to Michigan on Wednesday. And with the anxiety-filled weekend I just finished, I think I might need some down time before my big trip.
I wish I didn't get like this. When I'm not in the puddle of anxiety that sometimes surrounds me, I can't even remember what it was like, but as I'm wading through the muddy waters, it's as if it never ends. I can't recall what it feels like to not be anxious.
With Roseburg aside, my next dilemma presents itself: what am I going to do with 4 days off this weekend? Sometimes too much is just as bad as not enough free time. It gives me time to really sink into the anxiety in a way I wouldn't have time for otherwise.
We haven't been to Roseburg since Christmas, so it would have been nice to see his family but at the same time, I'm relieved that it didn't work out.
We would have driven 6 hours home on Tuesday only for me to turn around and fly to Michigan on Wednesday. And with the anxiety-filled weekend I just finished, I think I might need some down time before my big trip.
I wish I didn't get like this. When I'm not in the puddle of anxiety that sometimes surrounds me, I can't even remember what it was like, but as I'm wading through the muddy waters, it's as if it never ends. I can't recall what it feels like to not be anxious.
With Roseburg aside, my next dilemma presents itself: what am I going to do with 4 days off this weekend? Sometimes too much is just as bad as not enough free time. It gives me time to really sink into the anxiety in a way I wouldn't have time for otherwise.
Whiskeymarie's Fucking Awesome Chocolate Chip Cookies
I had to make them on Sunday, even though I was melting from the heat. They were worth it.
May 17, 2008
Exhaustion, a UTI and God
A few nights ago I noticed that my cat, George, had been licking himself more than any respectable boy kitty should, so I mentioned it to Logic and then went about my business. When I woke up this morning George was doing double-duty. He would go to the litter box, come out and clean his nether regions only to go back into the litter box again. Seeming like a disaster waiting to happen, I called the vet to make an appointment for later that day. When our 2:40 appointment was confirmed I was off to dance and yoga.
Class started off as usual; Dom taught us the first set of 8 counts and then we warmed up before learning the rest of the dance. By the time we started stretching, I felt a little tired. Could it have been the beer I'd had the night before? Was I dehydrated? It's possible. Or it could have been that the routine was grueling and I wasn't listening to my body when it said SLOW DOWN!!!
We finished the dance and were running through it a few times before being broken up into groups for the performance. Everyone was going full-force, trying to tweak some moves here and there to make it their own and I was right along with them. Until I couldn't breathe. My lungs and chest were tight so I decided to take a break and get something to drink. As I walked in circles on the edge of the dance floor, chugging my Gatorade, I thought about how hard the routine was but also how much I liked it. I wanted to get back out there and give it my best. And that's what I did.
By the time class was over I was contemplating skipping yoga. It is my all-time-favorite thing to do but I was pretty beat up from dancing and wasn't sure I'd have the energy. Then I remembered that I had a new yoga mat. Really wanting to test it out, I decided to stay.
My regular instructor wasn't in so there was a sub. As nice as it is to have variety, it's just not the same when Jessie's not there. And this particular instructor had something to prove; class was intense. So intense that I had to revert to child's pose and lie on the floor quite a few times throughout the hour-long session. When it was over I finished off my Gatorade and quickly crossed the street for my 'energizing' smoothie. But even that didn't help. By the time I got home I was weak and shaky. And to make matters worse, the vet had called while I was gone, wanting us to bring George in as soon as possible because she was worried about his symptoms. So Logic did the grunt work of stalking the cat and managing to close the cage without George's crafty escape.
I didn't find out about this until I was driving home when I got a call from Logic saying that the vet wanted to keep George for the afternoon and do some tests to make sure he didn't have a blockage or anything. (He'd already left me a message but I hadn't seen it yet.)
Something about leaving the house that morning, knowing I'd be taking George that afternoon and finding out that he'd already been rushed up there without me threw me off. So between my workout exhaustion and cat-related drama I was not feeling so well.
I tried to eat, I tried to lie down, I drank and drank and drank water. Nothing was helping. My body was starting to act the way it does under anxious circumstances and as much as I tried to distinguish the difference between discomfort and fear*, it wasn't helping. Next, I tried to take a shower thinking the isolation and relaxation would help me to clear my head but I was so tired that I kept shaking, which only induced more anxiety. I finally got out of the shower and had enough time to grab another Gatorade before collapsing on the bed. My mind was swirling and my body was reacting with a knotted stomach and a tingling/burning sensation in my arms that felt as if my veins had just been injected with vinegar.
I'm a stubborn one and I was determined to talk myself down from this panic attack without resorting to my helper pills*. I opened the mental vault to my therapy session notes and skimmed through the pages:
~Focus on breathing - do ujjayi breathing techniques and listen to my breath.
~Imagine that my thoughts are floating over rocks on a river bed - not stopping or getting stuck anywhere - just floating on by. (this one is usually awesome, but today I had no such luck. Anxiety was on to me. It knew my favorite tricks and came at me with new material.)
~See my body's physical reaction to anxiety as its way of getting the toxins out of my body and leaving me with only the good.
~Try to pinpoint what is upsetting me and remind myself what has helped in the past.
After 90 minutes of trying these techniques and about 10 minutes of sleep I decided to be compassionate with myself* and take a helper pill*. It was a struggle to even get up, find my medicine, cut the pill in half, drink it down and go back to bed. I felt so weak that passing out seemed like a real option. But I managed. And as I laid back down on the bed I started to think about the one 'solution' that I specifically skipped over: prayer.
Prayer and I go way back. Back to the beginning, when I was taught that it would help me in any circumstance:
~Having a bad dream? Pray about it.
~Want to make the dance squad? Pray about it.
~Driving a long distance and want to get there safely? You guessed it...Pray about it.
But when I deliberately decided to chuck the ole Catholic Church to the curb a few years back I have been questioning everything I've been taught and filtering out the things that don't make sense. Prayer is one of those things. I didn't believe that God only answers the 'prayers' of the people who believe in him. I didn't agree with the idea of an answered prayer being God's Grace but an unanswered prayer being the Mysterious Ways in which he works. Who is this God and why does he answer some prayers and not others? And why does he insist on being so mysterious?
These questions, among many others are the reason I questioned my faith to begin with. Some of it just didn't add up. And I wasn't willing to just blindly believe in what I was told. So I started questioning everything I'd been taught. My recycle bin filled up quickly and by the end of it, I only had a few things left in my Faith File. One was that I truly did want to believe in something. That there is Something out there (whether we go to him in the afterlife or not). I had a decision to make: either revert back to the faith I was raised with and feel like a fake or traverse the rugged terrain in front of me, hoping that all the hard work would pay off and I would eventually find something that made sense.
Again, being stubborn, I chose the difficult path. And that's where I've been ever since. It's a real bitch this path I've chosen; with narrowly carved roads up winding canyons in the dead of a desert summer. I can go days and days without seeing another person and when I do it is often from a distance - since they have their own path to take. This path is extremely isolating. All the things that I knew are no longer comforting and I find myself delirious with exhaustion in an attempt to find answers that are true to me.
Which brings us back to today. When I am having anxiety, I question my strength because all of my solutions revert me back to the path that I chose to leave. I get upset about something or feel out of control when I've pushed myself too far and I suddenly find myself stuck on a ledge without the proper spelunking equipment. Feeling scared, do I choose to pray or grapple with my fears in the silence of my own, anxiety-ridden head?
Actually, in these situations I typically go for the hand. Instead of praying or trying to think out my problems I pick up my journal and just start writing. Sometimes it takes me a while to have the courage and the strength to find my journal and pour my heart out on the always comforting page. Today was no exception: it took me more than two hours to get to the point where I could write without worrying that I'd lose my balance and only have one available hand to pull me back up onto the ledge. But after those two hours I grabbed my journal and wrote.
I must have written at least five pages, transferring the anxiety from my head to my hand and then to the paper. Once I started to write I felt a sense of relief. Finally I was able to get all of those worries and fears out of my head. It provided me with so much relief but it also surprised me with a little insight as well.
On page four, after spilling out all of my concerns I suddenly asked myself: "Why does the thought of not praying to God make me feel so alone? Do I believe in the concept of prayer? And if so, how do I justify the audacity that it would take to do so and to believe that God is going to help me while so many other prayers go un-answered?"
I went on to write: "Emile Durkheim believed that religion was vital for society to succeed and that it would crumble without its rituals and beliefs. He thought that people needed religion to be socially conscious and without it, no one would care about another and greed and chaos would rule supreme."
Then I countered that with what my hand transcribed from my subconscious. My mind was completely blank as I wrote this next section:
"I'd like to think that people are mostly good, so in thinking about prayer and it's relationship to religion, I'd like to think prayer doesn't need to be tied into religion. It doesn't need to be a part of society to keep it from falling apart. It doesn't even need to be the kind of prayer that I've been taught it to be. If prayer could be whatever I want it to be; whatever I feel it in my heart to be, than I'd like it to be my thoughts for others. Just thoughts; no request for resolution. In my ideal prayer scenario, I would wish something good for someone else and instead of expecting an answer, I would focus all of my energy on that person and hope that they are given some sense of comfort and peace as a result."
I let my anxiety reach epic proportions not because I fear the worst, but because I am searching for a source of comfort and when I look into my heart I find a gaping hole where religion used to be. So the next time I find myself in an anxious situation I would like to try to pray again. But not to the Catholic God or anyone else's God for that matter. I want to pray to the one who will hug me and hold me tight. Yes, I will ask for his help but not in the sense that I expect him to solve my problems for me. I will pray that God can provide me with love, comfort and peace of mind too. I don't need him to solve my problems for me. I just need him to hug and comfort me while I figure them out for myself.
~Quotations used to signify things that my therapist and I have talked about.
P.S. George is home now. As soon as I finished writing in my journal I decided to call the vet and check on him. They prescribed him some medicine and confirmed that he had a urinary tract infection. Poor guy.
Class started off as usual; Dom taught us the first set of 8 counts and then we warmed up before learning the rest of the dance. By the time we started stretching, I felt a little tired. Could it have been the beer I'd had the night before? Was I dehydrated? It's possible. Or it could have been that the routine was grueling and I wasn't listening to my body when it said SLOW DOWN!!!
We finished the dance and were running through it a few times before being broken up into groups for the performance. Everyone was going full-force, trying to tweak some moves here and there to make it their own and I was right along with them. Until I couldn't breathe. My lungs and chest were tight so I decided to take a break and get something to drink. As I walked in circles on the edge of the dance floor, chugging my Gatorade, I thought about how hard the routine was but also how much I liked it. I wanted to get back out there and give it my best. And that's what I did.
By the time class was over I was contemplating skipping yoga. It is my all-time-favorite thing to do but I was pretty beat up from dancing and wasn't sure I'd have the energy. Then I remembered that I had a new yoga mat. Really wanting to test it out, I decided to stay.
My regular instructor wasn't in so there was a sub. As nice as it is to have variety, it's just not the same when Jessie's not there. And this particular instructor had something to prove; class was intense. So intense that I had to revert to child's pose and lie on the floor quite a few times throughout the hour-long session. When it was over I finished off my Gatorade and quickly crossed the street for my 'energizing' smoothie. But even that didn't help. By the time I got home I was weak and shaky. And to make matters worse, the vet had called while I was gone, wanting us to bring George in as soon as possible because she was worried about his symptoms. So Logic did the grunt work of stalking the cat and managing to close the cage without George's crafty escape.
I didn't find out about this until I was driving home when I got a call from Logic saying that the vet wanted to keep George for the afternoon and do some tests to make sure he didn't have a blockage or anything. (He'd already left me a message but I hadn't seen it yet.)
Something about leaving the house that morning, knowing I'd be taking George that afternoon and finding out that he'd already been rushed up there without me threw me off. So between my workout exhaustion and cat-related drama I was not feeling so well.
I tried to eat, I tried to lie down, I drank and drank and drank water. Nothing was helping. My body was starting to act the way it does under anxious circumstances and as much as I tried to distinguish the difference between discomfort and fear*, it wasn't helping. Next, I tried to take a shower thinking the isolation and relaxation would help me to clear my head but I was so tired that I kept shaking, which only induced more anxiety. I finally got out of the shower and had enough time to grab another Gatorade before collapsing on the bed. My mind was swirling and my body was reacting with a knotted stomach and a tingling/burning sensation in my arms that felt as if my veins had just been injected with vinegar.
I'm a stubborn one and I was determined to talk myself down from this panic attack without resorting to my helper pills*. I opened the mental vault to my therapy session notes and skimmed through the pages:
~Focus on breathing - do ujjayi breathing techniques and listen to my breath.
~Imagine that my thoughts are floating over rocks on a river bed - not stopping or getting stuck anywhere - just floating on by. (this one is usually awesome, but today I had no such luck. Anxiety was on to me. It knew my favorite tricks and came at me with new material.)
~See my body's physical reaction to anxiety as its way of getting the toxins out of my body and leaving me with only the good.
~Try to pinpoint what is upsetting me and remind myself what has helped in the past.
After 90 minutes of trying these techniques and about 10 minutes of sleep I decided to be compassionate with myself* and take a helper pill*. It was a struggle to even get up, find my medicine, cut the pill in half, drink it down and go back to bed. I felt so weak that passing out seemed like a real option. But I managed. And as I laid back down on the bed I started to think about the one 'solution' that I specifically skipped over: prayer.
Prayer and I go way back. Back to the beginning, when I was taught that it would help me in any circumstance:
~Having a bad dream? Pray about it.
~Want to make the dance squad? Pray about it.
~Driving a long distance and want to get there safely? You guessed it...Pray about it.
But when I deliberately decided to chuck the ole Catholic Church to the curb a few years back I have been questioning everything I've been taught and filtering out the things that don't make sense. Prayer is one of those things. I didn't believe that God only answers the 'prayers' of the people who believe in him. I didn't agree with the idea of an answered prayer being God's Grace but an unanswered prayer being the Mysterious Ways in which he works. Who is this God and why does he answer some prayers and not others? And why does he insist on being so mysterious?
These questions, among many others are the reason I questioned my faith to begin with. Some of it just didn't add up. And I wasn't willing to just blindly believe in what I was told. So I started questioning everything I'd been taught. My recycle bin filled up quickly and by the end of it, I only had a few things left in my Faith File. One was that I truly did want to believe in something. That there is Something out there (whether we go to him in the afterlife or not). I had a decision to make: either revert back to the faith I was raised with and feel like a fake or traverse the rugged terrain in front of me, hoping that all the hard work would pay off and I would eventually find something that made sense.
Again, being stubborn, I chose the difficult path. And that's where I've been ever since. It's a real bitch this path I've chosen; with narrowly carved roads up winding canyons in the dead of a desert summer. I can go days and days without seeing another person and when I do it is often from a distance - since they have their own path to take. This path is extremely isolating. All the things that I knew are no longer comforting and I find myself delirious with exhaustion in an attempt to find answers that are true to me.
Which brings us back to today. When I am having anxiety, I question my strength because all of my solutions revert me back to the path that I chose to leave. I get upset about something or feel out of control when I've pushed myself too far and I suddenly find myself stuck on a ledge without the proper spelunking equipment. Feeling scared, do I choose to pray or grapple with my fears in the silence of my own, anxiety-ridden head?
Actually, in these situations I typically go for the hand. Instead of praying or trying to think out my problems I pick up my journal and just start writing. Sometimes it takes me a while to have the courage and the strength to find my journal and pour my heart out on the always comforting page. Today was no exception: it took me more than two hours to get to the point where I could write without worrying that I'd lose my balance and only have one available hand to pull me back up onto the ledge. But after those two hours I grabbed my journal and wrote.
I must have written at least five pages, transferring the anxiety from my head to my hand and then to the paper. Once I started to write I felt a sense of relief. Finally I was able to get all of those worries and fears out of my head. It provided me with so much relief but it also surprised me with a little insight as well.
On page four, after spilling out all of my concerns I suddenly asked myself: "Why does the thought of not praying to God make me feel so alone? Do I believe in the concept of prayer? And if so, how do I justify the audacity that it would take to do so and to believe that God is going to help me while so many other prayers go un-answered?"
I went on to write: "Emile Durkheim believed that religion was vital for society to succeed and that it would crumble without its rituals and beliefs. He thought that people needed religion to be socially conscious and without it, no one would care about another and greed and chaos would rule supreme."
Then I countered that with what my hand transcribed from my subconscious. My mind was completely blank as I wrote this next section:
"I'd like to think that people are mostly good, so in thinking about prayer and it's relationship to religion, I'd like to think prayer doesn't need to be tied into religion. It doesn't need to be a part of society to keep it from falling apart. It doesn't even need to be the kind of prayer that I've been taught it to be. If prayer could be whatever I want it to be; whatever I feel it in my heart to be, than I'd like it to be my thoughts for others. Just thoughts; no request for resolution. In my ideal prayer scenario, I would wish something good for someone else and instead of expecting an answer, I would focus all of my energy on that person and hope that they are given some sense of comfort and peace as a result."
I let my anxiety reach epic proportions not because I fear the worst, but because I am searching for a source of comfort and when I look into my heart I find a gaping hole where religion used to be. So the next time I find myself in an anxious situation I would like to try to pray again. But not to the Catholic God or anyone else's God for that matter. I want to pray to the one who will hug me and hold me tight. Yes, I will ask for his help but not in the sense that I expect him to solve my problems for me. I will pray that God can provide me with love, comfort and peace of mind too. I don't need him to solve my problems for me. I just need him to hug and comfort me while I figure them out for myself.
~Quotations used to signify things that my therapist and I have talked about.
P.S. George is home now. As soon as I finished writing in my journal I decided to call the vet and check on him. They prescribed him some medicine and confirmed that he had a urinary tract infection. Poor guy.
May 12, 2008
Cake
Logic and I went to see Cake at the Paramount last night.
When I found out they were coming to town I was excited but as time progressed I started to question whether I really wanted to go. I love them and have for a long time but the Sunday night thing was almost a deal-breaker. (god, I'm old)
Anyway, Logic hurt his knee over the weekend (going to the doctor today) and it was a struggle getting him to the show but once we were there we were glad we went.
At first I wasn't sure if I could get into it; they sounded so good that it felt like I was just listening to a cd. But then John started playing with the audience and the band played around with the arrangements. The disco ball helped too.
It turned out to be a great show.
When the band left the stage you would have thought there was an earthquake. People were screaming, clapping and stomping so loud that the building felt like it was actually shaking. They made us work for the encore... taking their time coming back to the stage, but it was worth it. They played three more songs and gave the crowd a voice lesson.
Today I am listening to the three albums I have at work and smiling at the memories that were made last night.
May 10, 2008
Being a Mom
Logic and I occasionally talk about having kids. Sometimes it will come up after we spend time with our family and other times it is when we see a real brat in a restaurant. The first scenario leads us to think that we might want them, the second has the opposite effect. But whenever we have 'the talk' we both agree that we'd be screwed if children really are like their parents. Logic was a difficult child and I was a handful as a teen. Put those together and we'd have one helluva nightmare on our hands.
But with Mother's Day tomorrow, and the recent death of my Grandma, I can't help but admire the women in my life and think there might just be enough of a reward to outweigh the difficulties that come with being a mom.
Take my relationship with my mom, for example. As I previously stated, I was a handful as a teenager. I was mad for having to move to Montana during my Sophomore year of high school, among other things, and I chose to focus all of that anger on my mom. After taking a particularly brutal assault, she suggested that maybe I was taking all of my agression out on her because I knew that no matter what I said, she would still love me. I wouldn't admit it at the time, but she was right. And the next few years of our cohabitation would prove just how strong her love was. I would yell and scream and insult her every chance I got and her love for me never waivered.
Shortly after my 18th birthday I moved out. Amid tears and hurt feelings, my parents were supportive of my decision. And to my surprise, I spent more time at home than I did when I lived there. It was the beginning of a new phase in my relationship with my mom.
Of course, after moving out from the comforts of home, I started to see all the little things that my mom had done without acknowledgement for all those years.
I started to see her in a new light. She was not just my mother anymore, but this amazing woman who made unlimited sacrifices and had an all-encompassing heart.
Living on my own was quite an awakening in many respects but there was one particular factor that changed our relationship completely. That factor was anxiety.
When I started having panic attacks, there was nothing my mom could do to help. For the first time in my life, I had to take care of something on my own. As hard as it was for me, I think it was even harder for my mom. Her faith gave her all the comfort and support she needed and she couldn't relate to my ambivalence for it. She wanted to pray with me and try to resolve my fears through religion. And while I wish it could have been as easy as kneeling down and doing some serious praying, her answers were not mine.
I had to find alternate ways to solve my problems. Prayer was eventually replaced with meditation and instead of church, I found my weekly comfort in yoga. Even though my mom could see that I was finding comfort in these new forms of spirituality, she had a hard time understanding how those answers could be any better than her own. It was scary and exhausting for both of us, but in my search for new resolutions we've learned a lot about each other.
I can't pinpoint when it was that I finally started to appreciate all that my mom has done for me, but I know that I haven't even come close to understanding her love in all its capacity. As I look back on the last few years, all the anxiety and fear has been worth it if for no other reason than to bring us closer.
Ten years after all the fighting and even some hair pulling, I am so proud of the progress we've made. And should I ever decide to be a mom, I know that I'll do just fine. Mine set a pretty great example.
But with Mother's Day tomorrow, and the recent death of my Grandma, I can't help but admire the women in my life and think there might just be enough of a reward to outweigh the difficulties that come with being a mom.
Take my relationship with my mom, for example. As I previously stated, I was a handful as a teenager. I was mad for having to move to Montana during my Sophomore year of high school, among other things, and I chose to focus all of that anger on my mom. After taking a particularly brutal assault, she suggested that maybe I was taking all of my agression out on her because I knew that no matter what I said, she would still love me. I wouldn't admit it at the time, but she was right. And the next few years of our cohabitation would prove just how strong her love was. I would yell and scream and insult her every chance I got and her love for me never waivered.
Shortly after my 18th birthday I moved out. Amid tears and hurt feelings, my parents were supportive of my decision. And to my surprise, I spent more time at home than I did when I lived there. It was the beginning of a new phase in my relationship with my mom.
Of course, after moving out from the comforts of home, I started to see all the little things that my mom had done without acknowledgement for all those years.
I started to see her in a new light. She was not just my mother anymore, but this amazing woman who made unlimited sacrifices and had an all-encompassing heart.
Living on my own was quite an awakening in many respects but there was one particular factor that changed our relationship completely. That factor was anxiety.
When I started having panic attacks, there was nothing my mom could do to help. For the first time in my life, I had to take care of something on my own. As hard as it was for me, I think it was even harder for my mom. Her faith gave her all the comfort and support she needed and she couldn't relate to my ambivalence for it. She wanted to pray with me and try to resolve my fears through religion. And while I wish it could have been as easy as kneeling down and doing some serious praying, her answers were not mine.
I had to find alternate ways to solve my problems. Prayer was eventually replaced with meditation and instead of church, I found my weekly comfort in yoga. Even though my mom could see that I was finding comfort in these new forms of spirituality, she had a hard time understanding how those answers could be any better than her own. It was scary and exhausting for both of us, but in my search for new resolutions we've learned a lot about each other.
I can't pinpoint when it was that I finally started to appreciate all that my mom has done for me, but I know that I haven't even come close to understanding her love in all its capacity. As I look back on the last few years, all the anxiety and fear has been worth it if for no other reason than to bring us closer.
Ten years after all the fighting and even some hair pulling, I am so proud of the progress we've made. And should I ever decide to be a mom, I know that I'll do just fine. Mine set a pretty great example.
May 06, 2008
Happy Mother's Day. Or Not. Whatever.
I couldn't get out of bed yesterday. I'd been up until 11:30 the night before doing some spontaneous spring-cleaning in anticipation of Logic's return from Utah. When my alarm went off at 6:00, I could barely manage rolling over to turn it off. After the fourth 'snooze' attempt, I decided to call in sick. My plan was to take the afternoon off anyway so I could pick Logic up from the airport so it was easy to justify having the morning off as well.
I finally crawled out of bed around 9 and was making some final alterations to the newly-arranged living room furniture when I got a call from Tom.
We'd been playing phone-tag since October. Neither one of us was really making the effort to meet up, but after a good talk with a friend on Sunday morning I decided an effort should be made. I called him on Sunday afternoon as he was heading into the movie theater. He agreed to call later that day, but I wasn't really expecting him to. To my surprise he did.
He drove over in the afternoon and we sat on my couch. We talked for two hours - a new record for us. It was weird because it wasn't weird. We talked about nothing and everything and it was really nice. So when he called me on Monday morning, I thought it would be a quick "knock knock" joke, since we'd already covered everything else. But it wasn't.
He called to tell me that Grandma passed away. He'd just gotten off the phone with mom and he wanted to warn me that she was pretty broken up. He said it was really hard to hear her like that and he just wanted me to be prepared. I was shocked twice-over. Once for hearing that Grandma was dead and twice for receiving such a sweet call from my usually-absent brother.
After talking to Tom, I immediately called my mom. She, of course, was trickling the news down the list of her children and was on the phone with Jill. She called me back a few minutes later with a lump in her throat.
"I'm fine", she kept assuring me. "It's just hard to talk about."
After a few attempts at telling me what happened, she had to put my dad on the phone.
He said that they didn't really know much. It was assumed that she died of natural causes. She had recently been moved back to the nursing home from the hospital after a quart and a half of liquid was drained from her lungs. There was no sign of pneumonia but her kidneys were acting up. Among other things, she wasn't eating or drinking and her blood pressure was higher than normal. And yet, she seemed to be improving. We were all bracing ourselves for more trouble but didn't expect her to die so soon.
The real kicker was how my mom found out. When my Aunt Jo called to tell her, my mom was at the post office... sending out my Grandma's card for Mother's Day. It breaks my heart to imagine her walking up to the mailbox, stopping to answer her phone, and then needing to decide what to do with the card.
This Sunday is going to be a really hard day for her. I really want to be there but I also want to go to Michigan in a few weeks when my mom buries both her parents' ashes. I just checked tickets to New Mexico and they are outrageous.
I just don't know what to do.
May 01, 2008
Happy May Day!
Not to be confused with 'MAYDAY!' Here's a little trivia for you:
How did the word "Mayday" come to be a cry for help? Does it have anything to do with the "May Day" holiday?
Aside from the obvious fact that the Mayday '(used as a distress call)' and May Day 'the first of May, variously celebrated with festivities and observances', are both spelled and pronounced the same way, no, they are not related.
The Mayday that is an international radiotelephone distress call used by ships and airplanes is simply a phonetic representation of the French word m'aider, an imperative meaning 'help me!'. It could also be a shortening of the French phrase venez m'aider 'come help me!', which is somewhat less likely on the grounds that if you were in serious trouble you'd probably want use a shorter expression.
Mayday was adopted as a distress call by the International Radio Telegraph Convention in 1927.
~ Brendan Pimper
~updated source information: Jesse Sheidlower
How did the word "Mayday" come to be a cry for help? Does it have anything to do with the "May Day" holiday?
Aside from the obvious fact that the Mayday '(used as a distress call)' and May Day 'the first of May, variously celebrated with festivities and observances', are both spelled and pronounced the same way, no, they are not related.
The Mayday that is an international radiotelephone distress call used by ships and airplanes is simply a phonetic representation of the French word m'aider, an imperative meaning 'help me!'. It could also be a shortening of the French phrase venez m'aider 'come help me!', which is somewhat less likely on the grounds that if you were in serious trouble you'd probably want use a shorter expression.
Mayday was adopted as a distress call by the International Radio Telegraph Convention in 1927.
~ Brendan Pimper
~updated source information: Jesse Sheidlower
April 28, 2008
Shush is a Bad Word in My House
Not because of the vowels and consonants, but because of the intention behind the word. Often times it occurs when I'm watching something on t.v. or listening to the radio. I will be engrossed in it and he'll try and talk to me - so I shush him. He's asked me time and time again not do to it and has explained that it's the way in which I do it that really upsets him.
He's right. I do it quickly and condescendingly. I let him know that it is a monumental inconvenience for me to have to tell him to be quiet so that I can continue doing something more important. You know, like watching t.v.
I 'shushed' him twice yesterday. It wasn't until after the second time that he made me aware of it. I've become so accustomed to being a bitch that I've lost sight of when I'm actually doing it anymore. He asked me not to apologize because he knows I'll do it again. And he's right. It's not like I want to 'shush' him. Of course he is more important than whatever else it is that I'm doing. But I've grown so impatient that I do it without even realizing it. When did this start happening? When did I decide that it was okay to make him feel insignificant?
After our talk and a long night of feeling like shit, I found myself doing it again this morning. I completely cut him off mid-sentence and rushed him out of the car just so I could make it through the traffic light that just turned green. I laughed afterward (maybe trying to relieve some of the guilt that was ballooning up inside of me) but funny or most definitely not, as soon as the words escaped my mouth I realized I had done it again. Just with different vowels and consonants. Catching that light was not more important than letting Logic finish his sentence. I really need to make a conscious effort to stop being such a bitch. He is so patient and loving and I reward him by cutting him off and making him feel unimportant? If the tables had been reversed I would have been crushed.
It's about time that I let him know he is valuable to me.
Logic, I am so sorry.
He's right. I do it quickly and condescendingly. I let him know that it is a monumental inconvenience for me to have to tell him to be quiet so that I can continue doing something more important. You know, like watching t.v.
I 'shushed' him twice yesterday. It wasn't until after the second time that he made me aware of it. I've become so accustomed to being a bitch that I've lost sight of when I'm actually doing it anymore. He asked me not to apologize because he knows I'll do it again. And he's right. It's not like I want to 'shush' him. Of course he is more important than whatever else it is that I'm doing. But I've grown so impatient that I do it without even realizing it. When did this start happening? When did I decide that it was okay to make him feel insignificant?
After our talk and a long night of feeling like shit, I found myself doing it again this morning. I completely cut him off mid-sentence and rushed him out of the car just so I could make it through the traffic light that just turned green. I laughed afterward (maybe trying to relieve some of the guilt that was ballooning up inside of me) but funny or most definitely not, as soon as the words escaped my mouth I realized I had done it again. Just with different vowels and consonants. Catching that light was not more important than letting Logic finish his sentence. I really need to make a conscious effort to stop being such a bitch. He is so patient and loving and I reward him by cutting him off and making him feel unimportant? If the tables had been reversed I would have been crushed.
It's about time that I let him know he is valuable to me.
Logic, I am so sorry.
April 23, 2008
Douche Recipient #2
My co-worker has decided to schedule a vasectomy at the same time that his wife is about to go into labor. (I know this because he scheduled the appointment FROM HIS DESK!)
First of all, who does that at their desk? I mean, really?
But second, and more importantly, who schedules a surgery right as their spouse is about to deliver their 3rd child???
What a douche.
First of all, who does that at their desk? I mean, really?
But second, and more importantly, who schedules a surgery right as their spouse is about to deliver their 3rd child???
What a douche.
April 22, 2008
When Cats Attack
Last night I got into bed and started my routine of rolling around for about 5 minutes before I find "the perfect spot" (which changes daily). I was in the process of rolling onto my stomach when, out of nowhere, George jumped up on my back and bit the back of my head. Luckily, he got mostly hair but still... it was really strange. I yelled (mostly out of shock) and pushed him off the bed. He kept trying to cuddle with me afterward, but I wouldn't let him. In fact, I was a little scared to go to sleep.
This isn't the first time he's done something like this either. When Logic and I wrestle, George used to get protective of me and try to attack Logic's foot. This made sense because Logic plays with George in that way. But recently he started attacking me instead. We'll be on the floor; Logic will have me trapped underneath him and George will try to bite my feet.
I was actually okay with that because it made sense - we were playing and he wanted to play.. but last night was a little too weird.
Any idea what the hell that was about?
This isn't the first time he's done something like this either. When Logic and I wrestle, George used to get protective of me and try to attack Logic's foot. This made sense because Logic plays with George in that way. But recently he started attacking me instead. We'll be on the floor; Logic will have me trapped underneath him and George will try to bite my feet.
I was actually okay with that because it made sense - we were playing and he wanted to play.. but last night was a little too weird.
Any idea what the hell that was about?
April 21, 2008
April 18, 2008
Aaron
Eleven years ago today, a junior in high school got out of school and drove out to a campsite to hang out with his friends. He drank a lot, as did his friends. When it was time to drive back into town, he jumped in the passenger seat of the truck.
Soon into the drive the truck flew over a cliff. The driver was able to escape before the wheels left the pavement but the boy wasn't as lucky. When the truck landed tail-up in the riverbed, he was stuck. His friend ran back to the campground and called for help. As luck would have it, the ambulance got a flat tire en-route and arrived at the scene too late. All by himself, in the middle of nowhere, he waited for help. Help that didn't come in time.
Soon into the drive the truck flew over a cliff. The driver was able to escape before the wheels left the pavement but the boy wasn't as lucky. When the truck landed tail-up in the riverbed, he was stuck. His friend ran back to the campground and called for help. As luck would have it, the ambulance got a flat tire en-route and arrived at the scene too late. All by himself, in the middle of nowhere, he waited for help. Help that didn't come in time.
The Bus Tunnel
I took the bus tunnel from work to the heart of downtown yesterday so I could quickly do some shopping before meeting up with Logic and Daniel. My office is where the tunnel starts so the bus was empty when I got on. At the next stop a man got on, dragging a bag full of his life's belongings. He looked like he hadn't showered in a very long time and may not have even known where he was at. He chose a seat in the middle of the bus that is elevated and facing inward. I had a clear view of him.
I tried to close my eyes because I didn't want to be rude but I kept finding myself peering through a squinted eye - just to see what he was doing. At one point, my eyes had been closed for a while and as I slowly opened them - almost forgetting he was there - I saw him licking his finger and then wiping the arm rest and then licking his finger again. It's as if he were testing it to see what it tasted like.
It was at that moment that I made a conscious decision to NEVER, under any circumstances, touch anything on a bus ever again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)